Worst Week Ever!: Oct. 22-28

President Barack Obama has been a polarizing figure ever since he got on the ballot with a weird name and started being half black.

click to enlarge Cincinnati Enquirer: "Four more decades!"
Cincinnati Enquirer: "Four more decades!"

State Senator Suggests Naming Highway After Obama, Boos Reign Down

President Barack Obama has been a polarizing figure ever since he got on the ballot with a weird name and started being half black. So it’s no surprise that a Cincinnati Enquirer story last week about State Sen. Eric Kearney suggesting the renaming of State Route 562 — aka Ronald Reagan Cross County Highway — to “Barack Obama Norwood Lateral Highway” resulted in considerable debate among readers thanks largely to The Enquirer’s not-ridiculous-at-all “vote and tell us what you think” tool (SARCASM). Even though the “nays” outweighed the “yays” by more than 2-to-1, the anonymous dissenting opinions offered at least a few sound arguments against naming a shitty two-lane thoroughfare after an acting president, including, “Why???? No one will ever call it that without vomiting,” and, “The only thing Barrack Hussein Obama deserves is a firing squad for his treasons.” Others at least used metaphors about potholes and divisiveness, though one of the pro-Obama posters noted that it’s not the Norwood Lateral’s fault there are rich people living on one side of it and poor people on the other.   

Urban Sites Considers Developing Where No One Wanted to Live Before the Streetcar Passed

Correlation does not necessarily prove causation, if you believe the word of scientists and mathematicians who are super smart but probably also kinda socially awkward (stop tipping exactly 15 percent you assholes, it’s rude at the nice restaurants you eat at!). So it’s not to say that Urban Sites wouldn’t have considered developing a 40,000-square-foot building at Central Parkway and Liberty Street into 42 apartments if the streetcar wasn’t being built a couple blocks away, but that is exactly what’s happening now that people increasingly want to live in Over-the-Rhine because new residents, businesses and transit options are making the area more lively and safe. Having entered into a preferred developer agreement with the city, Urban Sites now has 18 months to determine whether the building will house industrial-style office space where young people will earn just enough salary to pay $900 for rent or if the company will go straight to charging these dumbasses a rent that high for a studio apartment.

‘Enquirer’ Endorses Mitch McConnell Because Why Not?

Most humans appreciate being told the truth even if it hurts (and it usually does though not as badly as a lie, weird). The Enquirer’s recent endorsement of Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell read like an awkward answer to an unexpected “Where do babies come from?” question than an honest response to an educated adult about who would best represent Kentucky in the U.S. Senate. Despite the fact that McConnell HAS BEEN A COMPLETE BASTARD FOR THREE DECADES, The Enquirer officially backed six more years of Whac-A-Mole-style campaigning and historically divisive governing, describing the 72-year-old as “cynical a political operative as they come.” Even so, McConnell’s opponent, Alison Lundergan Grimes, has apparently not considered Kentucky’s lack of Internet access or heroin epidemic enough for The Enquirer’s editorial board to back her, even though both were clearly articulated on her campaign website at the time the endorsement was made, a point she noted in an editorial published afterward. In its defense, The Enquirer did describe the call as a “difficult choice” and pointed out that neither candidate adequately answered the question of whether the new Brent Spence Bridge would be cooler if it were a drawbridge that only opened from the south side so Kentucky could charge different tolls to different cars.

Frisch’s to Get Back to Roots: Big Burgers for Big People From a Big Baby

Let’s get one thing straight: Locally based restaurant chain Frisch’s makes a pretty awesome cheeseburger — *wishes he had one for dinner instead of gin & tonic and tortilla chips* — and has done so for a long time. Unfortunately, the company in recent years attempted an ill-fated allegiance with Golden Corral, a meat-potatoes-etc. buffet that appears to have invented new ways of creating meat in order to sell it for like 10 percent of what anyone else does. The good news is that Frisch’s has a new plan: getting back to its roots serving nice little burgers, sometimes two or three at a time with tartar sauce on top, to honest people who love America and pay their taxes. Frisch’s stock reportedly hit an all-time high last week after a California investment group purchased a stake in the company and signed a non-disclosure agreement, though insiders say the group’s intention is to overtake Jack in the Box as the SoCal burger chain with the freakiest mascot and to completely obliterate Del Taco somehow, some way.

City Council Scores Take-Back on Stupid Weed Law From 2006

Sometimes it takes a while for people to do the right thing — Pete Rose wrote like five books about how he didn’t bet on baseball before realizing there were so many people worse than him in the game that he might as well tell the truth. Elected officials are the same way, except instead of ruining their own reputations and professional prospects, their ill-conceived decisions ruin poor people’s lives. Cincinnati City Council last week took the requisite steps to rectify a bad 2006 law that criminalized small amounts marijuana, wasting the judicial system’s resources and unnecessarily scarring offenders’ records for, what, like eight years now? The law was part of a waning phase of elected officials riding out the political capital of the War on Drugs as Americans slowly come to realize that stereotypes from the 1980s aren’t real, marijuana will one day be legal and the only people who get hurt by smoking weed are the ones who forget to order their Crunchwrap Supreme® during the inevitable run to Taco Bell.


CONTACT DANNY CROSS: [email protected]


Correction : Turns out the Ronald Reagan Highway is not the same thing as the Norwood Lateral. Vote and tell us what you think: Should the Ronald Reagan Cross County Highway be renamed for Obama, too?