Living Out Loud: : Me and Juan's Body

Drunken mathematics

Last night I got drunk on wine with Juan and decided to sell all my body parts on the Internet and E-Bay. The highest bidder might win, or I can accept a fixed price.

The sale of body parts is apparently illegal. Of course, donating them for nothing is perfectly fine, and there are many potential recipients, some of whom will even pick up body parts in the comfort of your own home. I decided that giving my body was foolish. Selling is better, even if it's illegal.

Unfortunately, I have to die to deliver all the body parts, but that's all right. Dr. Kevorkian might be called to help, for which he will be willing, even eager, to commit another murder. Also, there's the insurance to consider, and my "loved ones." But what's one more death?

I have to die sometime. It might as well be now.

But first I have to sell my body. The kidneys are the easiest, as there's an established market in India for those. I receive $25,000 per kidney or $50,000 in total. Next, my eyes, which will fetch another $25,000, probably from a blind person or a victim of laser surgery. Next is blood, for which I am promised $5,000. Unfortunately, there's a lot of amateur competition on blood.

Also, I will have to worry about new organs that might be available several years from now because of stem cell research. This promises even more competition in the future — should I decide to wait and not die today — assuming stem cell research somewhere will be legal.

A local charity, Hoxworth Blood Center, enters the bidding but is too late. So I have $80,000 without even trying. To this sum, I have to add $250,000 in insurance. I don't think this is "suicide" under the insurance contract. It is "particide" or something new and unnamed.

But should the insurance company decide that it is "suicide," I'll need an answer to combat it. I could say I received the $50,000 for starring in a "snuff film." This is a type of film that's made in Brazil. I would be killed on camera and receive money for it. My body parts could then be removed and resold. Assuming $250,000 in insurance, I would receive a total of $ 380,000 by dying.

The other option that I have is to appear and die on Iraqi TV but I might not get paid. My body parts might be blessed by Allah.

Perhaps I should just to be killed outright. But insurance claims for a person my age (63 years young) are likely to be limited because of my limited future earning capability. So I would be surprised to receive more than $150,000 for an immediate death, say in a plane accident. But how do I find out for sure?

Probably, the best idea is to appear as the star of a snuff film and sell my body parts. The other parts should raise at least $150,000 or more, yielding a total of over $530,000. This is very attractive.

Maybe I can kill Juan and sell his parts. This is better because it doesn't involve my dying today.