Worst Week Ever!: Aug. 29-Sept. 4

SUNDAY SEPT. 2: Carolyn Washburn, editor and vice president of The Enquirer, wrote a piece in today’s edition explaining the new look of the paper’s print edition. Washburn said the new look of the paper will be like the Weekly Reader newspapers you used

"Look, kids! Pictures!"
"Look, kids! Pictures!"


An Aurora, Ind. Taco Bell had to instruct its patrons to leave today after an accident between a semi truck and a car resulted in the truck on fire and clouds of smoke covering the area. The crash was reportedly caused by both drivers running a yellow light and at least one of them not kissing their fingers and touching the roof of their vehicles. Taco Bell declined to comment on the matter, noting that “no matter what we say you’re just going to twist it into something about our restaurant’s menu and fiery evacuations.”


Vice President Joe Biden made a campaign stop in Lordstown, Ohio, today, and he wanted to make sure everyone doesn’t like Republican candidate Mitt Romney. Biden lauded the Obama administration’s rescue of the auto industry and accused Romney of being against government efforts to keep jobs in this country. The vice president refused to acknowledge hecklers from the right wing who pointed out that Biden and The Chosen One weren’t clairvoyant and bold enough to tell people who supported the bailout of GM and other domestic car companies that foreign cars are cheaper, sleeker, more reliable and likely to come with fancy things like power windows.


If you really love something, you’ll endure a lot to be around it. That’s the gist of today’s article on wlwt.com about a group of local fireworks enthusiasts whose love for the game can’t be weakened by hail, sleet or snow. The fireworks have never been cancelled because of inclement weather, and as of Saturday organizers hoped that this year’s Riverfest wouldn’t be affected by the remnants of Hurricane Isaac. A group of 200-300 people who really like explosions in the sky that won’t maim you started staking out their tents and territory for Sunday night’s show. According to the article, the folks who began camping out near the riverside like authentic hobos refer to themselves as “The Bang Gang.” A member of the early-bird group hopes for more people to join their group before next year’s Riverfest, but warns prospective members to be careful of how they put the group’s web address into their stored contacts, or things between new fireworks fans and their significant others could get real dicey real quick.


Carolyn Washburn, editor and vice president of The Enquirer, wrote a piece in today’s edition explaining the new look of the paper’s print edition, which will go into effect this fall. Making note of how “young adults are more compelled by bold visuals,” Washburn promises to provide readers with cool-looking ones and make every long story end on the page next to the one it started on, so people don’t start reading about the election and somehow get tricked into thinking Johnny Cueto is running for president because they made a wrong turn when attempting to follow the directions on the “Story Continued On Page...” part. Washburn said the new look of the paper will be like the Weekly Reader newspapers you used to get in grade school, but with fewer pictures of animals.


In advance of the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte, N.C., national media outlets are trying to learn more about the convention’s keynote speaker, San Antonio Mayor Julian Castro, who will become the first Hispanic American to deliver the speech. Republicans aren’t exactly sure who Castro is either, but maintain that if this country was actually the way our forefathers intended it to be we would be able to wave muskets in front of his face and demand to see identification to make sure he wasn’t here illegally and trying to screw up what we stole fair and square from the Native Americans.


Figuring out the particular nuances and rituals of holidays can be difficult — it’s just about impossible to understand how Jesus’ zombie resurrection brought about a special day featuring jelly beans, colored egg hunts and baskets of plastic grass. Not everyone is as understanding as the good folks of WWE!, so House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) is feeling the heat today over his statement describing Labor Day as a celebration for business owners instead of the unions and labor organizations who fought to make things like days off and eight-hour workdays possible. Cantor’s statement read that on Labor Day we “celebrate those who have taken a risk, worked hard, built a business and earned their own success.” The closing of his shout out to all the entrepreneurs out there details the House majority leader’s plans for next month, which include heading to Ohio’s capital city on Oct. 8 to celebrate Columbus Day “right where it started.”