Could Mr. Wonderful be the Donald Trump of the north? Canuck Shark Tank investor Kevin O’Leary announced his bid to lead the Conservative Party of Canada Wednesday. Let’s see: wealthy businessman, reality TV star, uses Twitter… sounds about right. Nice try, everyone planning to move to Canada! Meanwhile in the States, Trump revealed in a Washington Postarticle his next slogan for his 2020 re-election, interrupting the interview to call in a lawyer, requesting a trademark for “Keep America Great” — with and without an exclamation point. Cool. Take note, Mr. Wonderful. Embrace only the highest level of delusion and you too can rule a country!
THURSDAY, JAN. 19
Animal rights supporters have had a lot to celebrate as of late — the end of SeaWorld’s Shamu shows, the impending end of the circus — but a video from behind the scenes of the movie A Dog’s Purpose presented another cause for concern. It looked like a terrified stunt doggy was thrown into a pool and then went under, prompting trainers to jump in after the pooch. PETA is calling for a boycott of the movie, and its premiere was canceled by Universal Pictures. Which is fine, but if you’re big on animal activism, you probably weren’t going to see a sappy movie in which (spoiler alert) a dog dies (OK, gets reincarnated) like seven times. And you thought Marley and Me was bad.
FRIDAY, JAN. 20
All of last week’s Friday the 13th juju descended on Washington, D.C. today for actual president Donald Trump’s inauguration. Festivities began on Thursday evening, when more people (around 20,000) showed up to Alec Baldwin’s protest in New York, which featured Mark Ruffalo and Cher, than Trump’s inaugural concert, which featured Three Doors Down and Lee Greenwood, in D.C. The numbers didn’t get much better for the incoming administration on Friday, either. While there’s still much debate about just how many folks attended the ceremony Friday (more on that later), Trump’s crowd looked miniscule compared to Obama’s first inauguration in 2009, as evidenced by a side-by-side shot comparing the two that went viral. Elsewhere, the fuckery continued to unfold. Melania and Donnie seemed ice cold together in comparison to the #relationshipgoals that are the Obamas. The incoming First Lady presented a customary gift to Michelle Obama, only it came in a large, conspicuously Tiffany-blue box. So relatable! Nothing says “First Family OF THE PEOPLE” like Tiffany & Co. The bleakest transfer of all, though, had to be the switching over of internet platforms from No. 44 to No. 45. Then it was really real. @POTUS and @FLOTUS are no longer the Obamas. The new administration Cloroxed away any mentions of LGBTQ issues, health care, civil rights and climate change on whitehouse.gov. Basically the only thing they decided to keep from Obama’s time in office was his inauguration cake. Trump’s people reportedly ordered an exact replica of TV chef Duff Goldman’s multi-tiered cake made for Obama’s second inauguration. Pastry plagiarism as its finest.
SATURDAY, JAN. 21
Following that hot mess of an inauguration, millions participated in women’s marches in Washington, here in Cincinnati and in cities across the globe. The streets ran pink with knit “pussy hats” and arguably the most clever protest signage ever. Pretty much all 99 percent of celebrities that wanted nothing to do with ushering in the Trumpresidency participated. And there was no denying the numbers: more marched Saturday than attended the inauguration Friday; the protests had more of a national and global presence; and it was possibly the largest demonstration in U.S. history. It bears repeating: There was no denying the numbers.
SUNDAY, JAN. 22
Just kidding! Sean Spicer, in his first official news briefing as press secretary, totally denied the numbers, calling out journalists for reporting fake news. When fashion roadkill Kellyanne Conway was questioned about Spicer’s claim that Trump’s was the most watched inauguration in history Sunday, she defended it as an “alternative fact.” Alternative facts can be whatever you want them to be! I called in sick to work this week, and it had nothing to do with drinking too much while watching The Bachelor the night before. Alternative fact! First the heave-worthy “alt-right,” now this? The world “alternative” has officially lost all meaning. Alert the Association of Alternative Newsmedia — we need to call ourselves something else.
MONDAY, JAN. 23
Cut to Obama, smiling and flipping all of us off from the golf course on some luxury resort. Not your problem, guy. We get it. But what will Barack Obama’s next act be? He’s on a well-earned family vacay now, presumably smoking cigs a little less secretively (but still on the down-low, because you know Michelle ain’t about it). But eventually Obama is bound to get back to work, and Cards Against Humanity has an opportunity: Become its CEO. A Chicago Craigslist ad reveals the company behind the dirty party game is in the market for a new leader, and the criteria was pretty specific. Candidates must have strong public speaking skills, be proficient in Microsoft Word, Excel and PowerPoint, be willing to inherit the consequences of eight years of irresponsible spending and have a minimum eight years experience as president of the United States of America or equivalent nation.
TUESDAY, JAN. 24
Academy Award nominations were announced Tuesday, and — no shocker here — everybody loves La La Land. After dominating the Golden Globes, the musical rom-com clinched 14 Oscar nominations, tying with Titanic for the most. On the other end of the scale of prestigious awards, the Razzies are out, too, and far more interesting. If only the Golden Razzies were given out in a lavish ceremony. Picture it: the stars of Zoolander 2 alongside Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice and Hillary’s America: The Secret History of the Democratic Party…
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