Worst Week Ever! July 08-14

Many Americans grew sick and tired of University of Kentucky fans bragging and acting like they were the ones boxing out and draining three-pointers during the Wildcats’ impressive undefeated run through the regular college basketball season this year.

click to enlarge No weed here, we swear.
No weed here, we swear.

New Dating Site Aims to Keep UK Fans’ Courtship Attempts From Being ‘One and Done’

Many Americans grew sick and tired of University of Kentucky fans bragging and acting like they were the ones boxing out and draining three-pointers during the Wildcats’ impressive undefeated run through the regular college basketball season this year. So it was a great relief to many when Wisconsin ousted UK in the Final Four of the NCAA Tournament. Kentucky’s defeat also served as a wake-up call to single fans of the team, who can now join a dating site created specifically for them called BBNMeetUp.com. The site’s founder makes a solid point that “When searching for Mr. or Mrs. Right, it is important that you have shared interests.” Those who do love Big Blue Nation will be able to go on dinner dates with likeminded individuals who will agree in advance to avoid talking about how little sense it makes to root dearly for young athletes from other states who would never set foot in, let alone attend college in, Kentucky if not for the direct pipeline to the NBA Draft that their head coach has exploited in response to how stupid collegiate athletics rules are.

Fountain Square Concert Spirals Out of Control; Many Become Race-Relations Experts

Many internet commenters know exactly who is to blame regarding the series of unfortunate events that transpired on and near Fountain Square on July 4. After an all-ages concert turned into a free-for-all featuring fireworks and bottles being thrown and a police officer getting punched, things got even worse for one downtown human who was beaten up pretty badly by multiple other humans. It is impossible to wade through the idiocy regarding many people’s “He said a cop posted this about it on Facebook” or “My friend’s friend was there and…” stances on who is responsible for the brief spate of lawlessness and violence that overtook the event and ultimately caused its sponsor to cancel the remaining scheduled concerts on the square this summer. What can be gleaned from all the unfortunate events that transpired is that although technology makes our lives easier today than they’ve ever been in many ways, it has also rendered the present era as the worst time in history to be a victim of violence, because if you are ever unconscious lying on the pavement bleeding all over the place most people will stand around and record video instead of trying to help you.

‘Enquirer’ Publishes Story About Young Dude with Decent-Paying Job Buying House 

To really get one’s finger on the pulse of what millennials in Cincinnati are doing in regard to purchasing homes, our fair city’s newspaper decided to profile a 27-year-old who works for a market research company in Columbia Tusculum and other people who make nice living wages in hoity toity neighborhoods for a “Millennials go house hunting at last” feature. While those featured in the story most likely make more than your free-newspaper-reading ass, there is hope for millennials who haven’t yet purchased homes. This year marks the second in a row during which millennials are the largest group of home buyers, according to a National Association of Realtors study. High rental rates are cited as a reason for millenials’ push to acquire property. However, the study fails to definitively pinpoint if Generation X was too fucked up and not paying attention when it was their turn to get homes, grow up and stop living in crappy apartments with a bunch of second-hand furniture.

Ohio Explores Overseas Options in Pursuit of Lethal Injection Drugs for Criminal Scum

Criminals are totes a drain on society. We lock them up and throw away the key, and in Ohio we even kill some of them whose offenses are considered to be death-penalty worthy by tough-talking law enforcement and judicial bros. A problem that arises from killing criminals is that it takes drugs to do it because it is somehow considered more humane to shoot lethal drugs into people’s arms than it is to terminate their life forces via other methods. Representatives of the ODRC have had to search both domestically and overseas for drugs to send the condemned to the afterlife, even though a recent FDA ruling against the state of Nebraska in the wake of its procurement of sodium thiopental from India means lethal injection drugs can’t legally be imported. If Ohio can’t figure out how to get these drugs into its jurisdiction it could, theoretically, resort to using some of the tons of heroin flooding our streets and killing our citizens, or maybe even some of those synthetic opiod pills that people are overprescribed and likely to OD on. Regardless of what actions must be taken to ensure we can kill criminals dead, it is hoped that the drugs obtained are quick-acting and administered before the Ohio Innocence Project’s workers start making trouble and proving that at least some of the people our tax money is being used to kill are on Death Row because they are poor, black and only able to get crappy public pretender attorneys to represent them.

Schmucks’ Plan to Monopolize the Weed Game Takes a Hit

By now, most are familiar with ResponsibleOhio, a group of profiteers who bonded together to try to subvert the free market economy and make weed production in Ohio something that only they can do once it inevitably becomes legal and stops being such a drain on law enforcement. Fortunately, the Ohio legislature has crafted an amendment to be placed on the Nov. 3 ballot that will prohibit any addition to our state’s constitution that creates “a monopoly, oligopoly or cartel” to sell federally controlled substances like the potweeds. Stoners across the state are rejoicing, glad that their state’s representatives realize that KFC/Pizza Hut/Taco Bell cartels are OK but monopolies and oligarchies and stuff like that is just plain wrong in most instances.

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]