LISTEN: Cincinnati all-stars team up for world’s first Trump-themed Christmas song

Cincinnati’s Bob Woodiwiss, Rob Fetters, Kate Wakefield, Steve Schmidt and other locals join forces as The Furious Snowflakes for “I Got You A Brain for Christmas”

Nov 21, 2017 at 11:35 am

Going into the Thanksgiving holiday, a lot of people are likely gearing up for and/or dreading spending time with those certain family members who are eager to engage in a political debate around the dinner table. With America being mired in the most frustrating and combative political atmosphere of every single living person’s lifetime, more than a few turkey-and-stuffing-throwing fights are bound to ensue.

So before you head out for your contentious holiday feast, it might be helpful to let off some steam or do some relaxing exercises so you’re not the one thrown in jail at the end of the night. If you are unable to immerse yourself in things like transcendental, bottomless bong hits or an induced coma, a little political humor can be good for some anxiety relief. If it happens to favor your political stance/outrage, all the better. Believe me.

If any of this rings true to your situation, several local musicians have teamed up to help. The Furious Snowflakes is a studio supergroup guided by writer/humorist/lyricist Bob Woodiwiss and comprised of Cincinnati musicians and singers Kate Wakefield, Steve Schmidt, Joe Lukasik, Chris Shenton, Howard Cohen and Rob Fetters, who teamed up to record the Fetters/Woodiwiss co-write “I Got You a Brain for Christmas.”

Whether you’re fortunate enough to have family members who agree that the current President is among the worst in history or you and your kin are all Trump party-liners convinced that every one of his awkward and embarrassing missteps is merely misreported “fake news” designed by the communist liberal media to unfairly topple the regime, you’ll likely get something out of listening to The Furious Snowflakes' debut release.

Give it a listen (or, for those who read Trump’s tweets as gospel, a “hate-listen”) below. If you believe political satire wrapped up in a catchy tune is definitely a leftist conspiracy to brainwash citizens into believing Crooked Hillary would have been the far better choice (or even “Bernie would have won”), we’ve also provided the lyrics for a music-free read-through (OR feel free to read along while watching the video with the sound off, though we cannot guarantee that the creators didn’t load up the visuals with subliminal messages).

 I Got You A Brain For Christmas

Music by Rob Fetters/Lyrics by Bob Woodiwiss

As we gather 'round the tinseled tree to exchange our Christmas gifts,
You've got Fox News on the flat screen causing my good cheer to shift.
'Cause your politics offend me, while your stances make me sick,
The worst, of course, being your support for that White House lunatic.
I got you a brain for Christmas,
Gray and soft and smart.
Just stuff it in your cranium,
Let the cogitating start.
It'll give your right wing outlook
A crucial overhaul,
And soon you'll be astonished
You thought we'd build a wall.
He didn't get the most votes, his voter fraud's a fraud.
All his tweets and narcissism even stick in Santa's craw.
For his lewd and crude misogyny there's simply no defense,
Much like his endless golfing trips at taxpayer expense.
I can't believe that you believe his incoherent speech,
That you don't think secret Russian links are reason to impeach.
You swallow ev'ry lie and cheer each bigoted attack.
So please accept this helpful gift; it's ready to unwrap.
I got you a brain for Christmas,
Gray and soft and smart.
Just stuff it in your cranium,
Let the cogitating start.
More mental electricity's
The power that you need
To see your orange hero
Is just spray tan, hate and greed.
You've got no curiosity about old tax returns,
And despite his business conflicts, you're indifferent, unconcerned.
With his finger on the button Earth could soon incinerate,
But these dangers don't concern you 'cause you think the news is fake.
Do you know obstructing justice is a criminality?
That he's aided and abetted by the whole damn GOP?
Time to wake up and to wise up, time to rise up and deploy.
He's aligned himself with Nazis…Nazis…Oy!
I got you a brain for Christmas,
Gray and soft and smart.
Just stuff it in your cranium,
Let the cogitating start.
It'll give your blind allegiance
A stupor-popping stomp,
Revealing one "yuge" insight:
Your POTUS is the swamp.
I got you a brain for Christmas,
Gray and soft and smart.
Just stuff it up your cranium,
Let the cogitating start.
With frontal lobe igniting
A new consciousness within,
You can use this yuletide upgrade to
Make America Sane Again

You can also stream “I Got You a Brain for Christmas” (and/or purchase it for a buck) on Bandcamp here.

Some of the Furious Snowflake musicians are offering a little live-music salve for your Trump rash this long Thanksgiving weekend.

Singer/cellist Kate Wakefield and her duo project Lung will be home for the holidays (after spending most of the past three months on tour) to play Northside Tavern Wednesday as part of a fantastic triple bill that also includes Us, Today and When Particles Collide. (Showtime is 10 p.m. and there is no cover charge.)

Jazz pianist Steve Schmidt is playing Wednesday with the Blue Wisp Big Band, which recently won the Cincinnati Entertainment Award for Jazz. The Band hosts its 38th annual Thanksgiving Eve gig at Northside’s Urban Artifact, playing sets at 8 and 10 p.m. Tickets are available here (ones for the 8 p.m. set are almost gone). The BWBB is also re-releasing a remastered version of its first ever recording from 1981, which has been out of print since the first run of LPs sold out. Schmidt and longtime supporter/fan Nick Clooney provided new liner notes for the reissue, which will be available at Wednesday’s show.

If you manage to avoid incarceration on Thanksgiving night, Furious Snowflake Rob Fetters and one of Cincinnati’s all-time greatest bands, psychodots, will also be carrying on a local-music tradition, playing its annual Thanksgiving concert on Friday at Woodward Theater in Over-the-Rhine. This year marks the trio’s 666th year presenting a Thanksgiving-timed show! (At least that’s what they say in the show promo — our fact-checker left early for vacation, so we’re just going to have to take their word for it.) Tickets for the 8 p.m. Woodward event are available here.