Minimum Gauge: People Can’t Stop Talking About Pitchfork’s Brutal Greta Van Fleet Review

Plus, Post Malone spends a lot of money on Postmates, and your annual reminder that Iron Maiden somehow isn’t in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame

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HOT: Music Review Savagery

Most intentionally savage music reviews are, themselves, garbage, pretentious writing exercises that are almost always more about a writer flexing than the musicians’ actual art. But beyond the mean-spirited vitriol, occasionally a vicious review is transcendent. From a humor standpoint, Henry Owings’ Chunklet magazine is The Bible of music-review snark, but a recent review of young Rock band Greta Van Fleet’s debut album for Pitchfork took such critical takedowns to a new level.

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Veteran writer/editor Jeremy D. Larson offered plenty of zingers (their fashion sense is “hippie costumes they 3D-printed off the internet” and they sound like “they did weed exactly once, called the cops, and tried to record a Led Zeppelin album before they arrested themselves”), but the review is far from just “Ha ha, this band sucks.” Presenting the Zeppelin Lite act as an example of monochromatic music “product” designed like a marketing expert’s wet dream — an “algorithmic fever dream” that soullessly hits all of the right 21st-century “branding” buttons — Larson writes, “While they’re selling out shows all over the world, somewhere in a boardroom, a half-dozen people are figuring out just how, exactly, Jimmy Page and Robert Plant are supposed to fit into the SUV with the rest of the Greta Van Fleet boys on ‘Carpool Karaoke.’ ” Even if you love GVF (they’re inarguably talented young musicians), it’s a thoughtful, entertaining read well worth your time (check it out here). While the review isn’t necessarily a “career ender,” it will certainly leave a mark.

WARM: Post Malone is All of Us

What does a 23-year-old dude who raps about “Beerbongs & Bentleys” do when he comes into a nice sum of cash as a result of his sudden fame? If you’re Post Malone, you order a lot of take-out for dinner. And lunch. And for snacks. Lots of snacks. Postmates recently revealed what their “#1 most dedicated customer” has been ordering and, over the past year, that has included a lot of fast-food from places like Chick-fil-A, Burger King and Popeyes. Out of the approximately 3,000 items he’s ordered (racking up a $40,000 bill), the musician’s most frequent delivery item was a 12-pack of beer. Other fun Post Malone Postmates facts: He once tipped a delivery driver with a CD that had his unreleased music on it; he has ordered “calcium crickets” (presumably to feed some kind of reptile?) and latex gloves; and he ordered 10,000 Popeyes biscuits for a Coachella party.

COLD: Put Maiden in the Rock Hall (Even If It Is ‘Bullocks’!)

Iron Maiden is one of a small handful of iconic bands that makes you do a double take whenever anyone reminds you that they’re not in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Unsurprisingly, the group’s vocal force, Bruce Dickinson, feels the same way. During a spoken word tour in Australia, Dickinson said, “Absolutely,” when he was asked if he thought his band should be in the Rock Hall, then added that he feels the whole institution is “an utter and complete load of bollocks.” “It’s run by a bunch of sanctimonious bloody Americans who wouldn’t know Rock & Roll if it hit them in the face,” he continued. “They need to stop taking Prozac and start drinking fucking beer.” It’s nice to hear from legit Rock legends who actually deserve to be in the Rock Hall instead of the borderline musicians who cry about conspiracies (looking at you, Ted Nugent!) or whine about not getting in fast enough (hi, Jon Bon Jovi).


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