5 reasons Zack Cozart should name his donkey Joey Votto

Back in spring training, Joey Votto made Cozart a promise: Earn a spot on the All-Star Team, get a free donkey.

Jul 12, 2017 at 1:17 pm

click to enlarge 5 reasons Zack Cozart should name his donkey Joey Votto
Illustration: Dylan Robinson
Last year was tough for hardcore Reds fans — the team finished 68-94, trading away several beloved players along the way. This year, however, there have been lights beckoning through the dark tunnel that is the modern “rebuilding” process. Amongst other exceptional feats by Reds this year — Joey Votto’s best offensive output since his 2010 MVP season, Adam Duvall’s continued power hitting, Raisel Iglesias’ bullpen dominance — longtime shortstop Zack Cozart is having a breakout season.

Turns out, back in spring training, Votto made Cozart a promise: Earn a spot on the All-Star Team, get a free donkey. All eyes have been on the duo ever since Cozart pulled out to a big lead among National League shortstops and people found out about the promise. Would Votto follow through?

Now that Cozart has won the spot and played in the game, the more important question is: What should Zack Cozart name his donkey once it gets here? The answer is simple: Joey Votto!

Here’s why: First of all, Joey Votto doesn’t get many days off. If there were another Joey Votto, a donkey Joey Votto, to stand in the batter’s box and stubbornly stare at and frustrate opposing pitchers, human Joey Votto would have more time to spend reading about his favorite animal, the blobfish, which he would by no means like to be gifted by Cozart for his home saltwater aquarium (hint-hint, winky-winky).

Second, Donkey McDonkface is funny but unoriginal. Therefore, this knock-off of the popular British suggestion for its Antarctic research vessel, Boaty McBoatface, is simply unacceptable. Kickass McGee, however, is a cool name and should be used for all FC Cincinnati players and any person observed spinning their car’s tires in the rain.

Third, Joey Votto once did an interview on MLB Network dressed as a Canadian Mountie, complaining about not being taken seriously and only wanting to talk about his outfit and his horse, “Nibbles.” While this has nothing to do with naming the donkey, it is an equine-related anecdote and should be known by all fans and haters alike.

Fourth, sharing equal legal name rights, donkey Joey Votto can negotiate “a more reasonable contract” with Reds GM Dick Williams that will please broadcaster Marty Brennaman, who has lamented often and consistently that five-time All-Star human Joey Votto is paid too much. If this fails to appease Mr. Brennaman, his frustrations can be abated via the donkey Joey Votto pulling a mesh drag to smooth the infield while the grounds crew whips ole long ears in the ass after home games.

Finally, donkeys are notoriously moody and protective. They are sometimes even used to protect livestock from predators and will stomp any animal they feel is a threat. While the Reds were struggling through last year’s season, human Joey Votto played the foil to away-game crowds, entertaining fans and irritating foes by refusing to toss foul balls he’d caught to the opposing spectators and by famously stomp-twisting a paper plane that had found its way on the field near first base. If this isn’t worthy of donk-consecration, then what else do you want?