WEDNESDAY, DEC. 26
When the clock strikes Midnight on Dec. 31, 2007, it will signal another step toward the end of the sanctity of marriage in America. New Hampshire will offer civil unions to gay people starting Tuesday, allowing them such special rights as hospital visits and health care benefits. Gay couples — even those consisting of two dudes — will be recognized by New Hampshire, the sixth state to officially accept such lifestyles. The action is expected to disgust conservative organizations and closeted homosexuals throughout the state and draw ridicule from Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who says there are no gays in his country.
THURSDAY, DEC. 27
Four Cincinnati Police supervisors were demoted and another fired after an investigation into two officers playing video games and clicking around on the Internet instead of walking a patrol. According to The Cincinnati Enquirer, the Cincy PD handed down the punishments — which include 30-day suspensions and amount to $20,000 salary reductions for some officers — last Monday and Wednesday, leaving Christmas Day free for the officers involved to feel terrible about themselves while spending time with their families. The FOP called the punishments excessive but is happy that the officers can still keep the gold star thing on their license plates to keep from getting in trouble.
FRIDAY, DEC. 28
Mount Airy police sharpshooters have culled (killed) about 125 deers during the past two months in an effort to reduce car accidents and other overpopulation-caused nuisances. Populations of deers often grow too quickly relative to the decreasing size of their habitats because human homes take up space where the animals used to frolic and eat stuff. Residents are not expected to know the full effect of the culling (killing) until spring, when they can see how much nicer their landscaping looks without nibble marks all over it.
SATURDAY, DEC. 29
A 48-year-old man was arrested at Tri-County Mall Saturday and charged with felony public indecency for flashing shoppers. According to The Cincinnati Enquirer, Robert W. Cost of Sidney, Ohio, went to the mall specifically to expose his wang to groups of women by spreading his legs while wearing shorts, a practice commonly accepted among high school soccer players. Cost told police that it wasn't the first time he had visited Tri-County Mall for this purpose and said he has also gone into nice malls and done the same thing.
SUNDAY, DEC. 30
Osama bin Laden dropped some uncommonly uninteresting knowledge last week during a video urging Middle Easterners to resist the U.S.-backed Iraqi government because it would only help secure American oil and power in the region. During the 56-minute recording, bin Laden called out Saudi Arabian King Abdullah for being cool with the United States and said Israel doesn´t even exist to him. Osama also ripped the American currency, encouraging Gulf Arab oil producers to force Americans to exchange our dollars for a more stable currency before buying oil just to make us look like dicks. Experts expect bin Laden's viewership to decline if his future productions continue to be so belated and irrelevant.
MONDAY, DEC. 31
Ohio sex offenders are about to be in even more trouble once new federally conceived monitoring laws take effect in Ohio Jan. 1. Critics have called the new registry rules — which will increase how often and how long one must register and be banned from most public places — just a worthless scare tactic. The Ohio Justice and Policy Center has already filed a lawsuit stating that changing already-served sentences is way unconstitutional. Although federal funding has not been offered for the increased supervision, the state expects to increase revenue by charging convicts for mandatory purple body suits that say "I AM A TERRIBLE WORTHLESS PREDATOR" across the chest. The most threatening individuals will also be charged for neon orange capes.
TUESDAY, JAN. 1
We at WWE! are proud to have officially taken the place of The Cincinnati Post, which has printed its final newspaper after nearly 130 years in the industry. After operating in a most unhealthy Joint Operating Agreement with The Cincinnati Enquirer for the past 30 years, The Post has finally died, leaving a generation of aging Baby Boomers without an afternoon paper. With the impending question of whether to begin reading the newspaper in the morning or learn how to use the Internet, most old people are expected to watch more local TV news and fear the worst in everyone. It has taken a long time for WWE! to usurp The Post as Cincinnati's most under-appreciated news source, but we will do our best to provide the seven relevant stories per week to which readers of The Post have become accustomed.
contact danny cross: [email protected]