WEDNESDAY JAN. 9
The state of Ohio brought its report card home to Mom and Dad today and just barely avoided a stern lecture by producing an overall B-. Ohio was one of 10 states that scored slightly higher than average (C) in the criteria checked by Education Week, which includes academic performance, teacher quality and school funding. No states earned A's, and only three earned B's. Education Week noted that Ohio schoolchildren were a pleasure to have in class and that they should stay away from the bad kids from Idaho, Mississippi, Nebraska, Nevada and Oregon, who all earned grades of D+.
THURSDAY JAN. 10
In a monumental battle of video-editing skills, Iran released its own version of last week's standoff between the Iranian Revolutionary Guards and three U.S. Navy ships. The American version showed the Iranians acting like dicks and threatening to blow up the U.S. ships. The Iranian tape shows the guards being cool and simply arguing over what channel to use on the C.B. The conflict arose just before President Bush flew to the Middle East to talk about a regional peace treaty, and Iran insists that the incident was overblown so GW could talk mass shit about them while he's over there.
FRIDAY JAN. 11
Bellevue residents are the latest people to start hating on deers for eating their stuff and getting in the way of their cars. The Cincinnati Enquirer reported today that at a Bellevue City Council meeting Wednesday a man named Robert Rothfuss described the local population of deers as "growing exponentially," which is common knowledge as all species of animals procreate at an exponential rate (y = x2). Rothfuss asked if he could shoot deers in his yard either with a gun or bow and arrow — he likes both — but city leaders said that deers running around Northern Kentucky with arrows sticking out of them are even more hazardous than the healthy ones.
SATURDAY JAN. 12
We at WWE! are not excited to re-report news that a married couple in England has found out they are actually twins separated at birth. The individuals are now divorced, and their identities have been protected for legal and social reasons. One of their peers told the House of Lords that they didn't know they were twins and they "met later in life and felt an inevitable attraction." The judge responded by saying: "No shit! They were a lot alike!"
SUNDAY JAN. 13
After spending their entire lives trying to keep America from changing, Ohio's population of Baby Boomers is about to put a "back-breaking strain" on the state, according to the Ohio Public Expenditure Council, a research group dedicated to studying how financially fucked society is. The council says that in 2012 Ohioans will start turning 65 years old at eight times the current pace, meaning that our health care systems, property tax base and retirement programs will be pretty much screwed. The only solution, according to local officials, is to attract young people whose frivolous spending habits can be taxed to pay for the construction of mass-retirement communities and syndication of the Grand Ole Opry.
MONDAY JAN. 14
The Kentucky General Assembly proposed new rules last week that pro-life activists hope will make women feel even worse about getting abortions by requiring that doctors perform ultrasounds and allow women to see the images before agreeing to the abortion. The plan is a hit with Kentuckian pro-life legislators who believe that guilt is an ethical and socially responsible means for making people do what they want. Supporters of abortion rights have countered that seeing an ultrasound of a freakish, tadpole-looking fetus will actually cause more women to go through with abortions.
TUESDAY JAN. 15
Hamilton County Prosecutor Joe Deters let loose on the city of Cincinnati in the current edition of a local magazine called Cincinnati Gentleman. Apparently The Cincinnati Enquirer had access to the magazine, widely considered to be Cincinnati's foremost authority on men who use proper grammar and open doors for women, and ran a front-page story about Deters writing in the magazine that the proposed streetcar is a terrible idea and that his 19-year-old son is too soft to even go to bars on Main Street. Deters wants a new jail and more funding for Cincinnati Police Chief Thomas Streicher Jr., who thinks that Main Street has been lame ever since the closing of Have a Nice Day Cafe.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: [email protected]