WEDNESDAY FEB. 11
Stewart Parnell might have been dumb enough to ship salmonella-infected peanut products all over the country, but he wasn’t dumb enough to eat any of his company’s peanut butter in front of Congress today. In response to allegations that Parnell knowingly shipped the infected products that got mass people sick, Rep. Greg Walden (R-Ore.) used a tactic popularized by American sitcoms, where one character knows another is lying and acts like he doesn’t in order to make the liar look like a dick. The tactic worked, as Parnell reportedly invoked the Fifth Amendment instead of talking about — or eating — any of his own peanut products. Lawmakers eventually dismissed Parnell, but not until after Henry Waxman tried to trick him into drinking a glass of water spiked with Ex-Lax.
THURSDAY FEB. 12
People in Utah have even more to worry about these days than gay people marrying each other in California the country’s widespread economic recession. The AP reported today that killer bees have finally made their way to “The Beehive State” after being found in northern Nevada about 10 years ago. The U.S. Department of Agriculture confirmed that seven different hives in Utah were found to contain Africanized honey bees (which are easily angered and have a tendency to swarm) mixed in with their European honey bees (which are more laid back and prefer to smoke cigarettes and eat pastries in their spare time). State and local authorities are planning to educate homeowners on how to avoid angering the mean bees but have yet to find a way to steal their honey without pissing them off.
FRIDAY FEB. 13
President Obama’s economic stimulus plan passed the House of Representatives today, thanks to local lawmakers voting exactly how everyone else in their party voted. The Enquirer reported that Democrat Steve Driehaus was the only local leader to vote “yes” on the bill, with Republican Reps Jean Schmidt, John Boehner, Mike Turner and Geoff Davis all voting “F-you Barack.” A spokesperson compared Driehaus’ resultant isolation from his colleagues to the episode of Saved By the Bell where everyone gets mad at Zach Morris for hanging out with the cool kids but noted that Driehaus didn´t do anything mean to Screech to deserve it.
SATURDAY FEB. 14
More than 1,500 people lined up at Kings Island today, but instead of waiting for their turn to get whipped around in the air by a fantastic amusement ride they just waited to interview for a job keeping people from cutting in future lines. The Enquirer detailed the newly attractive employer, which only recently transitioned from a creative foreign Moron indenture program to hiring teenagers to wear cartoon costumes for minimum wage. The current job market has allowed KI to replace some of its unreliable high school kids with recent college graduates, who will save the company money by using their free passes less often.
SUNDAY FEB. 15
A major announcement shook the world of information technology today, as major cell phone companies have agreed to start using the same charger. The universal charger, to be used by 2012, will help offset the cost of producing new chargers and help decrease the amount of waste when someone upgrades to a newer model and leaves the old charger in a drawer for five years and then throws it away. Though Apple chose not to join the association, preferring that its popular products plug into only their own special devices, consumers are excited that they´ll be able to pay less for phones in the future should they still not be able to afford an iPhone.
MONDAY FEB. 16
By now we´re all familiar with the anti-religious, pro-gay, socialist, porky economic stimulus plan that recently made its way through the argument halls of Congress. But today a number of newspapers reported that a major point of debate is the $7.2 billion dedicated to expanding Internet access in rural areas. Opponents of rural Internet say these areas burden society with their environmental carelessness, inefficient energy practices and tendency to vote for leaders based on who knows the most lines in Revelations. But this notion offended rural Internet supporters, who say that having the Internet will cause rural America to better relate to mainstream America once they see YouTube clips of city parents laughing at their kids on drugs.
TUESDAY FEB. 17
We at WWE! don't know why anyone would want to adopt a kid (anyone who enjoys Wall-E is a moron, no matter the age), but single people in Kentucky interested in picking up their own little robot-loving hooligan had better put in their applications now. If the newly proposed Senate Bill 68 passes, anyone "cohabitating with a sexual partner outside of marriage" will be banned from adoption or foster care. The bill is already facing backlash, as gay rights activists see it as an attempt to keep them from adopting any of the state´s 7,100 children currently in foster care. Kentucky Democrats, though largely uninterested in gay rights, are concerned about how much research it will take to determine which Kentucky couples live together for companionship and sex and which ones just do it to save money.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: [email protected]
