WEDNESDAY MARCH 11
After two years of Kentucky trying to F Ohio in the B with its various Northern Kentucky casino proposals — seriously, isn’t taking away our dance clubs enough for you, Newport? — a group of Ohio casino-backers is responding in full-force. The Ohio Jobs and Growth Committee today unveiled a plan that if passed would result in new casinos in four Ohio cities. Cincinnati’s would be at Broadway Commons, which supporters say would help offset the state’s budget problems and keep all the earlyreleased prisoners from straying too far from the Justice Center. The group is chaired by former Cincinnati Mayor Charlie Luken, who says his support for this Broadway Commons development proves that he wasn’t just being a dick by helping put the Reds stadium between a freeway and the river.
THURSDAY MARCH 12
The United States has a new reason to stop trying to indebt the next five generations of Americans: China says we have to. The AP reported today that China’s Imperial Commander Premier Wen Jiabao said during a press conference that he’s super concerned about the weakening dollar. China, whose $1 trillion in U.S. assets has caused it during recent months to get in our business like an overbearing parent or a wife, is concerned that if the $787 billion stimulus package doesn’t work it will further devalue China’s American debt. Jiabao expressed disappointment that the U.S. government failed to regulate its major industries when China has set the perfect example for 50 years.
FRIDAY MARCH 13
The Enquirer today continued its pervy coverage of teenage sex life, updating the world on the latest news of teenagers sending naughty photos to each other. Today’s news involved the guilty plea of a Mason 15-year-old girl whose naked photo was found on a boy’s cell phone. According to police, a school administrator — who under oath admitted to being a huge, huge dumbass — confiscated the phone and accidentally pushed a series of buttons that opens text messages instead of holding down the power button and successfully turning off the phone. The case is the first of its kind in Warren County, according to spokesman Matt Nolan, who also noted that Juvenile Court Judge Mike Powell is expected to impose a severe penalty because he never saw a girl’s boobs while he was in high school.
SATURDAY MARCH 14
Not only do our leaders in Columbus want to restrict gambling, Sunday liquor sales and gay marriage, now they want to take away a local game of kickball, which has never even been linked to drunken debauchery or special rights (actually, that’s not really true). The AP reported today that a popular social kickball game played on the Statehouse lawn is under attack from the governor’s office because it keeps killing the grass and making the lawn look like a public school’s baseball field. Gov. Ted Strickland said he supports the game and that he tried to include new sodding in Barack Obama’s bailout plan but the project wasn’t shovel-ready so he just got a new bay window for his office.
SUNDAY MARCH 15
The Boston Tea Party was a historically significant event, forever demonstrating how destructive Americans can be if their government tries to tread on them. Today a group of local protesters took to the Cincinnati streets to demonstrate a similar level of displeasure. More than 4,000 protesters attended the Cincinnati Tea Party — which organizers say is the most suburbanites ever to visit Fountain Square aside from Octoberfest or Reds Opening Day — and urged the government to stop wasting our money on wars and military apparatuses securing bridges and overpaying teachers. Many protesters wore Revolutionaryera costumes to demonstrate their seriousness, though at least one group of costumed colonials admitted that they didn’t know anything about the stimulus and only showed up because they thought they were going to get to fight French people.
MONDAY MARCH 16
With President Obama’s stimulus money leaving the White House faster than a convicted-then-pardoned Chief of Staff, the president held a press conference today to scold one huge failed business for using it unwisely. During a speech titled “WTF AIG?” Obama reportedly went off on the greedy, fat-cat, fat-assed AIG executives who accepted $165 million in bonuses despite sucking at their jobs to the tune of $180 billion. After eloquently describing America’s needs and his own hurt feelings, Obama vowed to have Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner try to block the bonuses, though the executives’ lawyers say the company is contractually obligated to pay the bonuses just like Cincinnati has no choice but to watch the Bengals every year.
TUESDAY MARCH 17
The Enquirer today took a rare break from describing the hilarious ways poor people get arrested to describe the story of a rich (though unnamed) lady who has been receiving $500 in food stamps per month despite owning a $300,000 home and a Mercedes. The Warren County Commissioners have assigned County Administrator Dave Gully to stop such abuse, and Gully says that the Ohio Department of Job and Family Resources should consider the value of an applicant´s assets even if that person has no income. If current regulations don´t allow the office to ask such background questions, Gully said he´ll be forced to dispatch undercover agents to Whole Foods and the nice Kroger stores to question anyone paying with food stamps.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: [email protected]
