WEDNESDAY DEC. 31
As 2008 came to an end, most of us were looking forward to celebrating
the final days of the worst presidency ever the opportunity to dedicate 2009 to bettering ourselves and humanity. But today media giant Viacom said that if Time Warner Cable doesn’t pay up then sweet channels like Nickelodeon, MTV and Comedy Central will disappear in the new year. Time Warner spokesman Alex Dudley said that Viacom’s demands — $39 million more per year — will cause fee increases to cable TV customers, many of whom are already realizing they can get their Internet from other companies and that SpongeBob Squarepants is only funny the first couple times you watch it.
THURSDAY JAN. 1
With China’s currency dominating the dollar and its toy production totally ruining America’s standing among kids who believe in buying American, the Barack Obama presidential team isn’t going to let those Commies beat us at something even bigger: the latest space race. According to Bloomberg, Obama is going to have the Defense Department combine forces with NASA in order to stay ahead of China’s scary attempts to get their weapons on the moon. The collaboration was previously considered just after 9/11, but Donald Rumsfeld ruined it when he demanded that NASA stop building its spaceships in the shape of penises.
FRIDAY JAN. 2
Democrat Steve Beshear has been Kentucky’s governor for only like two years, but that hasn’t stopped him from giving amnesty to Mexican gang lords, letting gay people have sex in the lobby of the capital building and raising taxes on cigarette smokers. None of these are true, but The Enquirer reported today that the worst one — more than tripling the state tax on cigarettes — is one of Beshear’s real ideas. He believes that charging smokers another 70 cents per pack will help offset the state’s $500 million budget deficit, but many smokers have argued that even though they never quit smoking due to the health risks, financial burden or the fact that smoking hasn’t been cool since Happy Days was on the air, they’ll actually do it in the name of spiting a Democrat.
SATURDAY JAN. 3
With Israel and Palestine trying to start World War III or the Apocalypse or whatever, President Bush today said Hamas deserves that shit because they’re terrorists. Bush said that ever since Hamas was elected and then took over the Gaza strip no one has taken them seriously and that shooting rockets into Israel is a one-way trip to Alamo-town. Bush added that “by spending its resources on rocket launchers instead of roads and schools, Hamas has demonstrated that it has no intention of serving the Palestinian people,” but when a reporter asked him why that bridge in Minnesota collapsed while America builds a space missile shield Bush acted like someone threw a shoe at him and ducked out of the room.
SUNDAY JAN. 4
No one can say that Cincinnati isn’t at the forefront of the green movement these days — our leaders are currently planning energy efficient light bulbs for all the sockets in City Hall. The Enquirer today detailed Cincinnati’s latest foray into the “green movement,” an environmentally-friendly lifestyle that Democrats pretend to be interested in to win elections, and how City Hall has 177 bulbs that need to be replaced for the betterment of the future. The only problem is that the new bulbs cost more than twice as much as the old ones, so each department will have to take on the additional costs whether it makes them feel good about themselves or not.
MONDAY JAN. 5
You know how some corner stores and bars have minimum amounts you have to pay in order to use a credit card? Well, they’re not the only ones sick of being charged by Visa because some people are too lazy to carry around cash. Hamilton County is also sick of paying the fees and next month will charge anyone who pays stuff online additional processing fees, saving the county about a million dollars a year. Pro-chargers have argued that if people switch back to paying by checks and cash more humans will have to be employed to keep it all in order, but Commissioner David Pepper said no one will mind the extra charges because they’ll be listed as “Freedom Fee” on their bank statements.
TUESDAY JAN. 6
We at WWE! enjoy a good stimulation, whether it be of the intellectual variety, free government money or a (legal) body rub. That´s why we were super psyched today to hear about Barack Obama's proposed $800 billion stimulation that includes plenty of corporate incentives so Republicans can´t try to stop it. The AP said that in addition to tax cuts for businesses, any companies that posted losses last year can get refunds for the taxes they paid on profits as far as five years back. Even Republican Minority Leader John Boehner was impressed, saying that Obama´s stimulation makes Bush´s look like a French tickler in comparison.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: [email protected]