WEDNESDAY MARCH 12
The U.S. State Department released its annual analysis of human rights practices throughout the world today, designating China as an "authoritarian human rights abuser," according to the AP. Chinese leaders were none too happy about the findings and countered that America has rampant violence and widespread discrimination of its own. State Department officials said that all China has to do to earn a more respectable classification is to stop censoring the Internet so its people can use MySpace to create social change.
THURSDAY MARCH 13
A development group in Blue Ash has unveiled architectural plans for a 2 million square foot casino to be built off I-71 north of Cincinnati, according to The Cincinnati Enquirer. Developers say the not-yet-approved resort would be the largest casino in the Midwest and that plans are underway to gather the required signatures to get it on the November ballot. Opponents of casino gambling say the architectural renderings are inaccurate because they don't show a bunch of old people in wheelchairs going in and out. Casino backers reply that sketches of the elderly can easily be added to future presentations but that the focus should be on how awesome winning $5,000 on a nickel slot would be.
FRIDAY MARCH 14
Japanese astronauts went into space and attached the first piece of their new laboratory to the International Space Station today, and Reuters reported that American astronauts helped get the Japanese parts ready for installation. From space, astronaut Richard Linnehand reportedly said "Wow, wow, wow. What are we going over now?
It could be Chicago, it could be the lake. Wow." His vague knowledge of his own country's geography prompted the Japanese to question if the U.S. had actually sent someone into space to help. Astronaut Takao Doi said he didn't see anyone up there and that people were laughing in the background when Linnehan described Michigan's Upper Peninsula as its "wang."
SATURDAY MARCH 15
The AP reported today that certain Latin American leaders have been talking mass shit about our government, with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez on Friday daring the U.S. to put his country on a list of terrorist-supporting nations and saying, "Let them make that list and shove it in their pocket," a statement nearly as insulting as the American figure of speech "shove it up your ass." Ecuadorean leader Rafael Correa then said that if Bush is going to start trouble between Ecuador and Colombia he should send American troops down there to fix it: "If not, shut your mouth and understand what is happening in Latin America." The White House, which has been busy the past two weeks reacting to insults from the Middle East and Asia, said it will brush the latest comments off in the order in which they were received.
SUNDAY MARCH 16
City Manager Milton Dohoney busted out his calculator last week and determined that every inch of snowfall Cincinnati receives costs the city $118,000 to deal with. Last weekend's unexpected snowfall further ruined a budget that was underfunded in the first place, leaving this year's snow fund with only $600,000, which by Dohoney's calculations will remove 5 inches of snow from the roads. Many council members are worried that when funding for snow removal runs out the two City Hall parking lot entrances will be blocked and their cars will get stuck inside.
MONDAY MARCH 17
Ohioans who live in low-income areas are twice as likely to spend money on the lottery and scratch-off games than people who live in more expensive areas, according to The Columbus Dispatch. The fact that poor people are spending so much money on a statistically-losing endeavor troubles Rob Walgate, vice president the Ohio Roundtable, an organization that forces Judeo-Christian principles into American public policy. Walgate, who'd like to see the lottery banned, says that if it keeps giving 30 percent of its revenue to public schools people will eventually learn that taking 2-1 odds on something that happens only 40 percent of the time isn't good and the lottery will end.
TUESDAY MARCH 18
According to Reuters, the FCC has appealed a July 4 ruling by a New York court that said the FCC can't rule against communication organizations for "fleeting" uses of curse words. The case, "Fuck vs. The FCC," stems from News Corp's Fox network accidentally airing random curse words by celebrities during awards shows. The Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit in New York determined that the FCC's designation of "fleeting" use wasn't clearly defined and that News Corp didn't deserve to be called out for bad words said when celebs thought the show was at commercial. The Supreme Court last took up the issue of foul language in the 1970s, when tape delay was unavailable to keep baseball players from saying "horseshit" on the air.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: [email protected]