WEDNESDAY APRIL 21
Anyone who has ever tried to plan a budget knows how complicated it can be with all the known costs, planned expenditures and
bullshit Duke Energy fees unplanned expenses that affect what kind of lifestyle one can live. The Enquirer today reported that in balancing its 2010 budget Cincinnati City Council performed the equivalent of switching the decimal point on the cable bill so wifey didn’t cancel the HDTV service when it purposefully underestimated the cost of gas for its hundreds of city vehicles. In doing so, Council pretended to make up for a $51 million deficit without laying off workers, a move that analysts have compared to lying on a loan application while investing in American car companies.
THURSDAY APRIL 22
Many people laughed when Butler County Sheriff Rick Jones billed the federal government for the cost of detaining and deporting illegal immigrants in his county (this incident was most enjoyed by white people in Hamilton who assumed busy deputies meant less enforcement of their weed dealing). but today those smiles were turned upside down with the reporting of a $100,000 settlement awarded to a Mexican man whose constitutional rights were treaded on when Sheriff’s deputies captured him at a Lebanon construction site in 2007. Court records show that Jones admitted no wrongdoing in settling the case, though he did state that if he had the money back he would invest it in renaming all Cinco de Mayo celebrations “The Fifth of May.”
FRIDAY APRIL 23
Having school-age children can be extremely stressful for parents these days, with consideration needed for lead-infested toys, trillion-dollar bailouts and strangely addictive shows on Nickelodeon (how can 2-year-olds and adults think iCarly is funny?). The AP today reported the latest decision facing parents: whether or not to participate in “Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day.” Citing upcoming standardized tests and programs students might miss that are actually important to their future, several school districts have asked the Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Foundation to reschedule the annual holiday. The Foundation politely declined, arguing that it’s more effective to have kids come home from dad’s accounting office and tell everyone at school how much it sucked so they’ll study harder.
SATURDAY APRIL 24
It's important to know certain things ahead of time: Familiarizing oneself with restaurant dress codes, entrée prices and pronunciations of common wine varieties all generally aid in the enjoyment of an evening (or you can just point at the 1999 Chateauneuf-du-Pape, La Crau, Vieux Télégraphe on the menu). But sometimes such preparation is impossible, as is the proper notification of approaching tornadoes for about 15 percent of Hamilton County residents, according to The Enquirer. The county’s three-year attempt to upgrade its early-warning siren system has again been delayed, leaving those out of earshot of the current siren left with only the massive, blaring, locomotive sound that usually foretells of an approaching twister.
SUNDAY APRIL 25
One of the first things kids learn once they can speak is that it's unwise to talk to strangers. Further proving that Stephen Hawking’s brain is far more developed than the average American parent, The New York Times today reported that his latest piece of advice for kids — and humanity in general — is that aliens are probably real and that you should never ever try to interact with them. In a new documentary, Hawking argues that since there are 100 billion galaxies in the universe, it's illogical to assume humans are the only beings who have evolved. Hawking assumes that any alien species that visits Earth will do so to raid our resources like Christopher Columbus did to the Native Americans and probably won’t be decent enough to honor us with an annual holiday either.
MONDAY APRIL 26
Anyone who's recently attempted to navigate a grocery store toothpaste aisle for a specific type knows the effect anxiety can have on a person. A new study has determined that rather than curling up into a tiny ball because the Crest Baking Soda & Peroxide Whitening with Tartar Protection Striped Fresh Mint is seemingly invisible among six rows of nearly identical products, the best way to deal with symptoms of anxiety and depression is to get more exercise. Researchers have long suspected that exercise directly aids mild to moderate depression, and although most therapists are already aware of the affects, many are afraid to put their reputations on the line in case a patient attempts to figure out what part of a grocery store the raisins are in and has a complete meltdown.
TUESDAY APRIL 27
It’s difficult to determine which side of Cincinnati is more intimidating: The East Side boasts unrelenting political power, but a West-sider’s willingness to kick you in the head over even the most minor disagreement is also scary. Such forces will come to a head in Indian Hill on Thursday when members of Westwood Concern venture into the lush greenery of Cincinnati’s richest neighborhood to protest the demolition of a historical West Side house by an East-sider. The 13-room, 19th-century Victorian mansion was home to the inventor of Ivory Soap, James N. Gamble, whose grandson married current East-sider Louise Nippert, who presides over the home and who “cares not for such a mundane edifice and its neighboring rogues.”
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