Lest I be accused of waging a War on Christmas by the pro-Christmas lobby — oh, whatever would I do if the all-powerful puckerbutts at the American Family Association called for a boycott of Savage Love? — I'm presenting a heartwarming selection of how-I-lost-my-virginity horror stories submitted by my readers.
What do these stories have to do with Christmas? Well, wasn't Jesus Christ responsible for the most traumatic how-I-lost-my-virginity horror story ever told? Not His deflowering, I mean His mother's. As everyone knows, Mary was a virgin when she conceived and a virgin when she gave birth. This means, of course, that Jesus busted His own mom's hymen, kicking it down like a door on His way into the world. And you thought your first time was traumatic!
I was an 18-year-old virgin with visions of Hollywood movie sex — perfect lighting and angles, climax together, etc. Instead, my first penetration made the same impression as a tampon and ended so quickly that I was sure he hadn't come. I was angry that he faked it, so I broke up with him the next day.
About a month later I discovered he hadn't faked his orgasm: I was pregnant! After the abortion, I was a tad leery about the sex thing: fucking = pregnancy.
— Fucking Happily Now
I got my cherry popped when I was 15, by a 22-year-old man. We were making out on a reclining plastic pool chair. When I told him I wanted to do it, he hopped right in. The initial pain gave way to a feeling of pressure "down there." I naively thought that maybe if I let my body release this pressure, I would get my big "O." I let go of the pressure ... and immediately started peeing. It flowed through the chair's slats and hit the concrete beneath us in a steady stream. Try stopping your flow of urine while you are being pumped. You can't. I died a million deaths while he finished. When it was over, I asked him how he felt about being my first. "Well, sleeping with a virgin is kind of a pain in the ass," he said, quickly followed by, "Did you pee?"
— Pool Party Girl
After the stereotypical first fumbling experience, which lasted about three minutes before I shot my wad, I laid down next to my girlfriend (failing to notice how very disappointed she looked), stroked her hair and asked, "How many times did you come?"
— MN
By 19 I was eager to lose my virginity, not yet having discovered my Sapphic proclivity. I turned down some enthusiastic offers (dear, sweet Tag!) and instead chose a cycling maniac like myself. I remember being under-impressed with the event ("Is that all there is?") and he seemed disappointed I didn't bleed. After we finished, the condom came off his flaccid dick inside me. I freaked and ran to the bathroom. The whole household got involved with suggestions and solutions. Looking back, it's pretty funny, but I was mortified at the time.
— Bike Geek Love
It's so common that it's a cliché: A girl loses her virginity and thinks, "Is that it?" Except that I'm a boy. I had expected that it would feel amazingly better than jerking off or blowjobs, but it didn't. So when she asked me what I thought, I wanted to say, "Is that it?" But I decided to soften the blow while telling the truth. "Um, I've, ah, had better," I said. Bzzzt! WRONG!
— Naked Cuddling Rocks
I lost my virginity during a one-night stand to a goofy guy I met my freshman year at Washington State University. The relationship didn't work out, and I relayed my woes to my brother. A few weeks later, my family came to visit for "Mom's Weekend." While we were shopping at the mall I saw the goofy guy. I went to my brother and said, "That's the guy I lost my virginity to." My brother couldn't spot him, so I kept loudly pointing the boy out until a woman next to me said, "You mean my son John?" When she looked at me with that same goofy smile I knew that she was definitely his mother. Ouch!
— Still Shamed
Four years ago I lost it in a boy-girl-boy three-way on a cruise ship. The girl was 16, the other boy was 17 and I was 15, gay and closeted. In the girl's parents' cabin, the other boy fucked the girl first. When it was my turn the girl noticed that I was staring at the other guy while I was fucking her. "Are you gay?" she suddenly asked. I was so shocked that I couldn't say anything. Then she started screaming, "Oh my God, you are! You gave me AIDS!" She pushed me off, the other boy jumped up, pulled on his shorts and then punched me in the face for looking at him. Then he made me wash my dick, which had his come on it, because he didn't want me "tasting his sperm" after they threw me out. The best part? This happened on the first night, and I was trapped on the ship with them for another week. Oh, and I had to make up a story for my parents about how I fell and broke my nose on the Fiesta Deck.
— My Crooked Nose Looks Sexy
My humiliating loss-of-virginity story is so incredibly unbelievable that it's virtually an urban legend among my friends. But I swear that each and every word of this is true.
When I was in high school I was awarded the opportunity to go on a foreign exchange to a lovely tropical paradise — ah, Brazil — for senior year. As high school girls are prone to do, I met a guy, another exchange student. We were the queen and king of virgin teenagers: I never had any dates in high school, and neither did he. After the first kiss all thoughts went to sex almost immediately. We decided that as soon as humanly possible we were going to lose our virginities to each other.
We first tried at his house. We thought the shower would be a "sexy" place to do it and that the rushing water would also be a nice cover for any strange noises. In this particular tropical country, showerheads are often electric and some fool had made theirs out of metal. I touched the showerhead briefly and was shocked so severely that I fell and spun out across the floor. At that point his host mother barged in, dragged me out of the house by my feet (buck naked, mind you), called me a "whore" and kicked me to the curb.
We came up with another brilliant idea: We would borrow something similar to a rowboat from a friend, paddle out onto the local lake and get the deed done. This boat was something like 20 feet long, about 1 foot deep and about 4 feet wide and made of wood. We brought the necessary items: a bottle of liquor, a joint and a condom. We paddled out and were almost instantly naked. I stuffed our clothes under the seat in the front of the boat. After one slug of the booze and one puff off the joint, we commenced to clumsily roll around in the bottom of the boat. We were about to do the deed when I told him my ass was getting wet.
"That's supposed to happen," he said.
A little lesson in boats: They sink slowly until they're about half full of water, then they go down like lead weights. I was a little preoccupied with getting it on to notice that the boat was filling from the rear until the fateful moment of entry. I figured I'd better be on my back for this moment, so I let myself lay back and I'll be damned if my hair wasn't floating about my head. I threw him off me, jumped up hollering about the boat sinking and grabbed a paddle to head for shore.
We didn't make it. We sunk. Like the Titanic. A few minutes later we were standing on shore bare-naked. Yes, we had to walk home bare-naked. We decided to go to my house instead of his because we figured that the people I was staying with would be more understanding or easier to lie to. Upon arrival, the house was dark and it looked as if they weren't home. He asked me to unlock the gate. I said, "Where, exactly, would I have put the keys?" So he had to boost me over the gate so I could unlock it from the other side.
I landed on the other side and was about to unlock the gate when my host father and brother walked around the corner of the house. They asked what I'd been doing.
"Swimming," I said.
"Naked?" my host father asked.
"Yes."
"Is Andrew with you?"
I was about to say "No" when Andrew shouts from the other side of the fence, "Yeah, I'm here, can you let me in please?"
When he walked in naked, they lost it laughing at us. But they never actually said anything or asked any "real" questions. For days afterward, my girlfriends kept asking, "So ... did you?" and I honestly didn't know. In the excitement, I couldn't remember if he ever got it in or not.
I did eventually lose my virginity. In my host family's house, on a marble floor, while watching an AC/DC concert broadcast from So Paulo. The family graciously gave us lots of alone time and pretended that they never noticed.
— Titanic Love
After a brief period of fooling around in the bedroom at a party, this girl I had just met decided that we should "take a drive." We found a dark spot off a country road and continued fooling around in the back of my car. She pulled out the condoms she bought at a gas station, and we started to do the deed. As things started getting hot and heavy, my foot slipped off the center hump on the floorboard. I lost my balance and did a face plant into the side window. My nose started to bleed all over her head. I was glad that bleeding all over her did not deter her from wanting to "see" me again.
— Bleeder Boy
I was 15 and my BF was 17. We were at a party, and we snuck off into a bedroom and pushed a dresser against the door. After some serious dry humping it was time to get naked. I had never seen my BF's cock before, just kinda felt it through his clothes, and suddenly there was this gigantic cock in front of me. In my mind, I think this is about the worst thing that could happen to a virgin. I was already scared it was going to hurt, and then I see this trouser anaconda flop out of ol' BF's pants. I went on to have the single-worst sexual experience of my life — let's just say I didn't do a lot of walking for a couple days. You might think that this huge dick was just my perception, as I hadn't seen a lot of dick by age 15, but I am now 28 and have seen plenty of dick and his is still by far the biggest I have ever seen.
Now I find myself thinking: Do I still have his number?
— Now Appreciates Large Erections
I was 16, and my girlfriend and I planned on having sex — my first time, not hers — at a party where we were guaranteed a room to stay the night. I showed up to find my girlfriend pissed drunk. I was bummed, but I was so eager to lose my virginity that we had sex anyway. She passed out, and I went back downstairs to hang out with friends. At that point I learned from other people there that she had gone down on some other guy in the bathroom before I showed up. The next morning she woke up and asked me if we had sex last night. I was so mortified that I lied and pretended to still be a virgin until we could have sex under more preferred conditions. I never did tell her the truth.
— Anonymous
I was a freshman at a Big 10 university and had already broken up with my first college girlfriend, who told me toward the end of our month-long endeavor that she was "a born-again virgin" and that I shouldn't ask her to have sex with me because — here's the kicker — she'd probably say yes. By the way, she told me all of this while we were naked and in bed.
There was a girl who lived on the floor above me who was a sophomore and attractive. She had stopped by my room a couple of times with excuses that seemed feasible as a freshman but upon retrospect seem pretty ridiculous. Anyway, once she was in my room she proceeded to pretend to fall asleep on my shoulder while puckering her lips. All of a sudden we were nekkid and she asked me if I wanted to have sex. Hooray! So I grabbed my three-pack of Trojans (my dad had given them to me when I left for school) and slipped one on.
I followed the procedure and achieved penetration, which was supposed to be the be-all-end-all of my life as a male. However, she did absolutely nothing. She laid there completely still — no motion, movement of hands or arms, hip tilting or gyration nor anything else that could be construed as helpful, enjoyable or cooperative. It was like fucking a girl in a coma. After about two minutes I was having zero fun and I could tell that my erection was going to fade, and so I faked my orgasm during my first time to get her out of my room. I was fucked up about it for a couple of days wondering if every time I had sex it would be like this, and I was even more confused when she came by the next day to collect a flip-flop that she had strategically left behind. I mean, here was a girl willing to have sex with me but I had to say "no" because I didn't want to have to fake an orgasm on my first two sexual encounters!
To all the ladies out there: If you think you might be breaking in some young buck on his first ride, do him a favor and move at least once. Get on top and moan if you really want to give him a treat. Otherwise he'll end up calling you a cold fish 10 years later in some syndicated sex-advice column.
— Still Life With Woodpecker
I lost my virginity at 24 — but that's not the embarrassing part. Just a few thrusts after penetration, I felt a sharp pain at the tip of my penis — a very sharp pain — but since it lasted just a second and was replaced by rather nice sensations, neither of us bothered to stop. Shortly after, things started to get very slippery (which was also rather nice), but when I looked down I saw that someone was bleeding. We reluctantly stopped, and she was embarrassed to be menstruating at the wrong moment. I assured her that it was OK, but before long we realized that the blood was mine. I had torn my frenulum, the sensitive "bowstring" of skin on the underside of the glans penis. In my case it had been abnormally short, a condition urologists know as frenulum breve. This is curable by creams that stretch the skin, minor surgery or full-on circumcision, but in my case it pretty much cured itself. We enjoy great sex today and still laugh that, in our case, it was the man and not the woman who had a painful, though pleasurable, deflowering.
— Broken Bowstring Boy
I lost my virginity during my freshman year of high school. It was with my girlfriend, and between my sexual ignorance and my dad's intrusion it's safe to say it was disastrous. My door was void of a lock and my parents were upstairs, but after multiple false alarms we started ignoring the parental noises. In accordance with any virgin girl's dreams, I said, "Let's hurry." I was on the brink of orgasm when we heard dad's footsteps. Pulling the blanket off my bed, I hastened to intercept him as he walked into the room, all while coming all over the blanket and myself. He handed me a plate of cookies and said, "Enjoy." Thanks, Dad. I turned around to see my girlfriend huddled in the fetal position naked on the bed with no blanket. I offered her some cookies.
— Coitus Confections
I was a freshman in high school (14) and found myself receiving the attentions of a junior (16) — oooh, an "older man." Some months later we set up a time for me to go over to his house after school while his parents and brother were out. I put on a short skirt and cute top and rode my bike over to his place. We started to make out on his bed and then his mom came home — his brother had forgotten something for an after-school group and she drove him home to get it. My older man moved us onto the floor between his bed and the window, where his mother couldn't see us if she came into his room. His dog, some fluffy thing named Elvis, saw me, though, and barked at me and kept sniffing at my crotch. I remember he said, "I think I'm done," and I thought, "Crap, that's it?" He's now gay and living in San Francisco.
— I'm Bi Now
My first time was in high school. When the moment came to finally get it on, I laid her down on the couch, climbed on and slowly slid in. After a few seconds I felt an uncomfortable friction, which I was afraid to mention. Another 10 seconds and the friction was becoming painful. I remember thinking, "I don't see what the big deal is, this kinda hurts." Then I finished, looked down and realized I was pumping between the cushions of the couch. The only thing that made it worse was the look on her face: a combination of frustration and pity.
I Lost It to a Couch
My boyfriend and I decided to consummate our relationship. Everything started OK, until I was hit with a blinding pain. I crawled to the bathroom, where the pain caused me to start puking. He asked what was wrong, and I told him to get the fuck out of my house. I called my mom at work. She explained that the first time hurts and thanked me for sharing. In between hurling, I said that this couldn't be normal. She told me to get to a hospital. My boyfriend came back and carried me to the car. After having every resident in the ER stick his hand up me and having two orderlies hold my knees apart so they could stick what looked like a dildo in me for an ultrasound, they determined that the sex had caused a cyst on my ovary to rupture. The doctors thanked me for making them part of my first time. I was too doped up to say, "Go fuck yourselves." Do I win?
— First Time Not All That
No, FTNAT, you don't win. Mary Mother of God wins — but I'd say you come in a damn close second, with MCNLS a close third.
Readers who want more virginity horror stories can find them at What do these stories have to do with Christmas? Well, wasn't Jesus Christ responsible for the most traumatic how-I-lost-my-virginity horror story ever told? Not His deflowering, I mean His mother's. As everyone knows, Mary was a virgin when she conceived and a virgin when she gave birth. This means, of course, that Jesus busted His own mom's hymen, kicking it down like a door on His way into the world. And you thought your first time was traumatic!
I was an 18-year-old virgin with visions of Hollywood movie sex — perfect lighting and angles, climax together, etc. Instead, my first penetration made the same impression as a tampon and ended so quickly that I was sure he hadn't come. I was angry that he faked it, so I broke up with him the next day.
About a month later I discovered he hadn't faked his orgasm: I was pregnant! After the abortion, I was a tad leery about the sex thing: fucking = pregnancy.
— Fucking Happily Now
I got my cherry popped when I was 15, by a 22-year-old man. We were making out on a reclining plastic pool chair. When I told him I wanted to do it, he hopped right in. The initial pain gave way to a feeling of pressure "down there." I naively thought that maybe if I let my body release this pressure, I would get my big "O." I let go of the pressure ... and immediately started peeing. It flowed through the chair's slats and hit the concrete beneath us in a steady stream. Try stopping your flow of urine while you are being pumped. You can't. I died a million deaths while he finished. When it was over, I asked him how he felt about being my first. "Well, sleeping with a virgin is kind of a pain in the ass," he said, quickly followed by, "Did you pee?"
— Pool Party Girl
After the stereotypical first fumbling experience, which lasted about three minutes before I shot my wad, I laid down next to my girlfriend (failing to notice how very disappointed she looked), stroked her hair and asked, "How many times did you come?"
— MN
By 19 I was eager to lose my virginity, not yet having discovered my Sapphic proclivity. I turned down some enthusiastic offers (dear, sweet Tag!) and instead chose a cycling maniac like myself. I remember being under-impressed with the event ("Is that all there is?") and he seemed disappointed I didn't bleed. After we finished, the condom came off his flaccid dick inside me. I freaked and ran to the bathroom. The whole household got involved with suggestions and solutions. Looking back, it's pretty funny, but I was mortified at the time.
— Bike Geek Love
It's so common that it's a cliché: A girl loses her virginity and thinks, "Is that it?" Except that I'm a boy. I had expected that it would feel amazingly better than jerking off or blowjobs, but it didn't. So when she asked me what I thought, I wanted to say, "Is that it?" But I decided to soften the blow while telling the truth. "Um, I've, ah, had better," I said. Bzzzt! WRONG!
— Naked Cuddling Rocks
I lost my virginity during a one-night stand to a goofy guy I met my freshman year at Washington State University. The relationship didn't work out, and I relayed my woes to my brother. A few weeks later, my family came to visit for "Mom's Weekend." While we were shopping at the mall I saw the goofy guy. I went to my brother and said, "That's the guy I lost my virginity to." My brother couldn't spot him, so I kept loudly pointing the boy out until a woman next to me said, "You mean my son John?" When she looked at me with that same goofy smile I knew that she was definitely his mother. Ouch!
— Still Shamed
Four years ago I lost it in a boy-girl-boy three-way on a cruise ship. The girl was 16, the other boy was 17 and I was 15, gay and closeted. In the girl's parents' cabin, the other boy fucked the girl first. When it was my turn the girl noticed that I was staring at the other guy while I was fucking her. "Are you gay?" she suddenly asked. I was so shocked that I couldn't say anything. Then she started screaming, "Oh my God, you are! You gave me AIDS!" She pushed me off, the other boy jumped up, pulled on his shorts and then punched me in the face for looking at him. Then he made me wash my dick, which had his come on it, because he didn't want me "tasting his sperm" after they threw me out. The best part? This happened on the first night, and I was trapped on the ship with them for another week. Oh, and I had to make up a story for my parents about how I fell and broke my nose on the Fiesta Deck.
— My Crooked Nose Looks Sexy
My humiliating loss-of-virginity story is so incredibly unbelievable that it's virtually an urban legend among my friends. But I swear that each and every word of this is true.
When I was in high school I was awarded the opportunity to go on a foreign exchange to a lovely tropical paradise — ah, Brazil — for senior year. As high school girls are prone to do, I met a guy, another exchange student. We were the queen and king of virgin teenagers: I never had any dates in high school, and neither did he. After the first kiss all thoughts went to sex almost immediately. We decided that as soon as humanly possible we were going to lose our virginities to each other.
We first tried at his house. We thought the shower would be a "sexy" place to do it and that the rushing water would also be a nice cover for any strange noises. In this particular tropical country, showerheads are often electric and some fool had made theirs out of metal. I touched the showerhead briefly and was shocked so severely that I fell and spun out across the floor. At that point his host mother barged in, dragged me out of the house by my feet (buck naked, mind you), called me a "whore" and kicked me to the curb.
We came up with another brilliant idea: We would borrow something similar to a rowboat from a friend, paddle out onto the local lake and get the deed done. This boat was something like 20 feet long, about 1 foot deep and about 4 feet wide and made of wood. We brought the necessary items: a bottle of liquor, a joint and a condom. We paddled out and were almost instantly naked. I stuffed our clothes under the seat in the front of the boat. After one slug of the booze and one puff off the joint, we commenced to clumsily roll around in the bottom of the boat. We were about to do the deed when I told him my ass was getting wet.
"That's supposed to happen," he said.
A little lesson in boats: They sink slowly until they're about half full of water, then they go down like lead weights. I was a little preoccupied with getting it on to notice that the boat was filling from the rear until the fateful moment of entry. I figured I'd better be on my back for this moment, so I let myself lay back and I'll be damned if my hair wasn't floating about my head. I threw him off me, jumped up hollering about the boat sinking and grabbed a paddle to head for shore.
We didn't make it. We sunk. Like the Titanic. A few minutes later we were standing on shore bare-naked. Yes, we had to walk home bare-naked. We decided to go to my house instead of his because we figured that the people I was staying with would be more understanding or easier to lie to. Upon arrival, the house was dark and it looked as if they weren't home. He asked me to unlock the gate. I said, "Where, exactly, would I have put the keys?" So he had to boost me over the gate so I could unlock it from the other side.
I landed on the other side and was about to unlock the gate when my host father and brother walked around the corner of the house. They asked what I'd been doing.
"Swimming," I said.
"Naked?" my host father asked.
"Yes."
"Is Andrew with you?"
I was about to say "No" when Andrew shouts from the other side of the fence, "Yeah, I'm here, can you let me in please?"
When he walked in naked, they lost it laughing at us. But they never actually said anything or asked any "real" questions. For days afterward, my girlfriends kept asking, "So ... did you?" and I honestly didn't know. In the excitement, I couldn't remember if he ever got it in or not.
I did eventually lose my virginity. In my host family's house, on a marble floor, while watching an AC/DC concert broadcast from So Paulo. The family graciously gave us lots of alone time and pretended that they never noticed.
— Titanic Love
After a brief period of fooling around in the bedroom at a party, this girl I had just met decided that we should "take a drive." We found a dark spot off a country road and continued fooling around in the back of my car. She pulled out the condoms she bought at a gas station, and we started to do the deed. As things started getting hot and heavy, my foot slipped off the center hump on the floorboard. I lost my balance and did a face plant into the side window. My nose started to bleed all over her head. I was glad that bleeding all over her did not deter her from wanting to "see" me again.
— Bleeder Boy
I was 15 and my BF was 17. We were at a party, and we snuck off into a bedroom and pushed a dresser against the door. After some serious dry humping it was time to get naked. I had never seen my BF's cock before, just kinda felt it through his clothes, and suddenly there was this gigantic cock in front of me. In my mind, I think this is about the worst thing that could happen to a virgin. I was already scared it was going to hurt, and then I see this trouser anaconda flop out of ol' BF's pants. I went on to have the single-worst sexual experience of my life — let's just say I didn't do a lot of walking for a couple days. You might think that this huge dick was just my perception, as I hadn't seen a lot of dick by age 15, but I am now 28 and have seen plenty of dick and his is still by far the biggest I have ever seen.
Now I find myself thinking: Do I still have his number?
— Now Appreciates Large Erections
I was 16, and my girlfriend and I planned on having sex — my first time, not hers — at a party where we were guaranteed a room to stay the night. I showed up to find my girlfriend pissed drunk. I was bummed, but I was so eager to lose my virginity that we had sex anyway. She passed out, and I went back downstairs to hang out with friends. At that point I learned from other people there that she had gone down on some other guy in the bathroom before I showed up. The next morning she woke up and asked me if we had sex last night. I was so mortified that I lied and pretended to still be a virgin until we could have sex under more preferred conditions. I never did tell her the truth.
— Anonymous
I was a freshman at a Big 10 university and had already broken up with my first college girlfriend, who told me toward the end of our month-long endeavor that she was "a born-again virgin" and that I shouldn't ask her to have sex with me because — here's the kicker — she'd probably say yes. By the way, she told me all of this while we were naked and in bed.
There was a girl who lived on the floor above me who was a sophomore and attractive. She had stopped by my room a couple of times with excuses that seemed feasible as a freshman but upon retrospect seem pretty ridiculous. Anyway, once she was in my room she proceeded to pretend to fall asleep on my shoulder while puckering her lips. All of a sudden we were nekkid and she asked me if I wanted to have sex. Hooray! So I grabbed my three-pack of Trojans (my dad had given them to me when I left for school) and slipped one on.
I followed the procedure and achieved penetration, which was supposed to be the be-all-end-all of my life as a male. However, she did absolutely nothing. She laid there completely still — no motion, movement of hands or arms, hip tilting or gyration nor anything else that could be construed as helpful, enjoyable or cooperative. It was like fucking a girl in a coma. After about two minutes I was having zero fun and I could tell that my erection was going to fade, and so I faked my orgasm during my first time to get her out of my room. I was fucked up about it for a couple of days wondering if every time I had sex it would be like this, and I was even more confused when she came by the next day to collect a flip-flop that she had strategically left behind. I mean, here was a girl willing to have sex with me but I had to say "no" because I didn't want to have to fake an orgasm on my first two sexual encounters!
To all the ladies out there: If you think you might be breaking in some young buck on his first ride, do him a favor and move at least once. Get on top and moan if you really want to give him a treat. Otherwise he'll end up calling you a cold fish 10 years later in some syndicated sex-advice column.
— Still Life With Woodpecker
I lost my virginity at 24 — but that's not the embarrassing part. Just a few thrusts after penetration, I felt a sharp pain at the tip of my penis — a very sharp pain — but since it lasted just a second and was replaced by rather nice sensations, neither of us bothered to stop. Shortly after, things started to get very slippery (which was also rather nice), but when I looked down I saw that someone was bleeding. We reluctantly stopped, and she was embarrassed to be menstruating at the wrong moment. I assured her that it was OK, but before long we realized that the blood was mine. I had torn my frenulum, the sensitive "bowstring" of skin on the underside of the glans penis. In my case it had been abnormally short, a condition urologists know as frenulum breve. This is curable by creams that stretch the skin, minor surgery or full-on circumcision, but in my case it pretty much cured itself. We enjoy great sex today and still laugh that, in our case, it was the man and not the woman who had a painful, though pleasurable, deflowering.
— Broken Bowstring Boy
I lost my virginity during my freshman year of high school. It was with my girlfriend, and between my sexual ignorance and my dad's intrusion it's safe to say it was disastrous. My door was void of a lock and my parents were upstairs, but after multiple false alarms we started ignoring the parental noises. In accordance with any virgin girl's dreams, I said, "Let's hurry." I was on the brink of orgasm when we heard dad's footsteps. Pulling the blanket off my bed, I hastened to intercept him as he walked into the room, all while coming all over the blanket and myself. He handed me a plate of cookies and said, "Enjoy." Thanks, Dad. I turned around to see my girlfriend huddled in the fetal position naked on the bed with no blanket. I offered her some cookies.
— Coitus Confections
I was a freshman in high school (14) and found myself receiving the attentions of a junior (16) — oooh, an "older man." Some months later we set up a time for me to go over to his house after school while his parents and brother were out. I put on a short skirt and cute top and rode my bike over to his place. We started to make out on his bed and then his mom came home — his brother had forgotten something for an after-school group and she drove him home to get it. My older man moved us onto the floor between his bed and the window, where his mother couldn't see us if she came into his room. His dog, some fluffy thing named Elvis, saw me, though, and barked at me and kept sniffing at my crotch. I remember he said, "I think I'm done," and I thought, "Crap, that's it?" He's now gay and living in San Francisco.
— I'm Bi Now
My first time was in high school. When the moment came to finally get it on, I laid her down on the couch, climbed on and slowly slid in. After a few seconds I felt an uncomfortable friction, which I was afraid to mention. Another 10 seconds and the friction was becoming painful. I remember thinking, "I don't see what the big deal is, this kinda hurts." Then I finished, looked down and realized I was pumping between the cushions of the couch. The only thing that made it worse was the look on her face: a combination of frustration and pity.
I Lost It to a Couch
My boyfriend and I decided to consummate our relationship. Everything started OK, until I was hit with a blinding pain. I crawled to the bathroom, where the pain caused me to start puking. He asked what was wrong, and I told him to get the fuck out of my house. I called my mom at work. She explained that the first time hurts and thanked me for sharing. In between hurling, I said that this couldn't be normal. She told me to get to a hospital. My boyfriend came back and carried me to the car. After having every resident in the ER stick his hand up me and having two orderlies hold my knees apart so they could stick what looked like a dildo in me for an ultrasound, they determined that the sex had caused a cyst on my ovary to rupture. The doctors thanked me for making them part of my first time. I was too doped up to say, "Go fuck yourselves." Do I win?
— First Time Not All That
No, FTNAT, you don't win. Mary Mother of God wins — but I'd say you come in a damn close second, with MCNLS a close third.
Readers who want more virginity horror stories can find them at www.thestranger.com/savage/vhs. Readers who want to know more about the War on Christmas can read all about it at www.fuckchristmas.org. And, as many readers wrote in to point out, by the time last week's column came out Ford reversed itself. Like Kraft, the car company told the gay haters at the American Family Association where to stick their boycott and announced that they would continue to advertise in gay publications and sponsor gay events. A very nice Christmas gift to us all.
