Best Week Ever!

It's only been a week since Barack Obama was elected, and most of our problems are already solved!

Nov 12, 2008 at 2:06 pm

Anyone who drove down I-75 last week near St. Bernard probably thought to themselves, “You know what? The air smells really great now that Barack Obama has been elected president.”

It just goes to show you the power of a liberal, progressive black man being elected to our nation’s highest office. Suddenly people think the sun shines brighter, the fall leaves are crisper and the air smells better ... conveniently forgetting they’re driving past the Givaudan flavor factory over in Elmwood Place.

Nevertheless, this artificially flavored optimism must not be dampened by the long, petroleum-based road ahead. Obama’s rise to our nation’s highest office has already solved numerous problems that have afflicted America for years and even centuries. And we have his transformational message, America’s dire straights and the Democratic campaign’s knowledge of 21st century communication devices to thank for the progression.

The biggest argument being made by bitter, defensive white people concerned social conservatives is that African American anger and white guilt have been completely resolved by this 21month campaign and resultant election. This is true. Black people have largely forgiven white America for its centuries of repression, and we Caucasians feel pretty good about that. No hard feelings, bro.

A similar sense of relief has swept through most of Europe. Though Russia continues to act mean (we think that Polish missile thing had more to do with Vladimir Putin’s own insecurities than America’s support of Georgia), most of the world is surprised and impressed at our acceptance of cultural diversity and our willingness to fight for anything but what Republicans were giving us.

Liberal elitist feminism magazine Mother Jones recently wrote: “The damage done during the Bush years will remain done. The dead of Iraq cannot be brought back. No switch can be thrown to undo the financial meltdown. But at least the correct verdict will have been rendered and justice — in its broadest sense — will have been served.”

That should make John Kerry feel better at least.

The Middle East is still a volatile place and oil is still pretty expensive, but most Democratic leaders believe in figuring out how many different Islamic denominations exist and what they like and who they hate. If that means engaging in open dialogue with our enemies, so be it. Nonviolent resolutions, here we come!

Plus, since the U.S. is already in a couple of wars, President Obama will automatically get some Commander in Chief experience without the responsibility of the whole messy conflict. This is an ideal situation for a new leader, which Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad understands, recently telling Obama in a congratulatory letter that he should end America’s “belligerence, occupation, bullying, deceit, humiliation of nations and imposition of discriminatory and unjust relations on them.” No big deal.

Back home, 18,000 gay Californians have had a pretty bad week since their recently-legalized marriages were voted down. But when considering marriage statistics and assuming that gay marriages are as rocky as most of our parents’, we can safely estimate that around 9,000 of these couples would have eventually gotten divorced anyway.

So, in a way, Election Day and this past week were good for half of all gay married couples in California and half of all future gay people who would have gotten married there if it hadn’t gotten banned again. This can at least be considered a draw.

Obama spent much of last week creating his cabinet and higher level administration, which he’d actually been considering for a while. His organizational skills and ability to look ahead to future tasks demonstrate a preparedness to lead that this country hasn’t seen since the days when In Living Color was on the air.

The currently-in-construction administration has already set America up for months and months of success, starting with the appointment of former Bill Clinton advisor Rahm Emanuel, who once allegedly mailed a dead fish to someone in Washington he was mad at.

With Democrats winning even more control in Congress, the stage has been set for the Obama administration to spread the nation’s medicine around to all who need it. We all have to admit that the concept of universal health care pretty much is socialism, but it also has a capitalistic twist — under Obama’s plan you can keep your current employee-based health care. Your boss will love that!

We’ve already seen the automotive industry take major strides toward developing kitschy sedans named after rare metals efficient and stylish models that can compete with the best of Japanese imports. But making up three decades of poor design and crappy fuel economy takes time.

That’s why the major automotive companies went to Washington last week and tried to get in on the bailout money. Unfortunately, President Bush was unreceptive, reportedly slamming down his veto pen and screaming, “Get the hell out of my office Ford, and take Mercury with you!” This is OK — the Chevy Cobalt can hold us over until the electric stations get built.

There are many more ways that American society and the world have benefited during Barack Obama’s first week of president-elect status. In due time the country will change even more, and since it almost has to be for the better we’ll wait in a state of reduced anxiety, high on free drugs and air that smells like candy. U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!

Be Progressive! (A feminist's ode to the new man in her life)
CityBeat, You're the Best! (thank you note from the President-Elect, with photo)
Take my Dogs, Please! (pet tips for the Obama kids)
Visions of Sugar Plums! (Sarah Palin gets back to work in Alaska)

Worst Week Ever! returns to its weekly format of complaining and making fun of people thoughtful and witty commentary in the Voices section once all this excitement dies down.