Can’t Afford a Kid? Well, Do We Have a Deal for You!

Mar 30, 2009 at 12:29 pm

Now that you’re getting older and have given up on your own life goals, it is time to produce an offspring to live vicariously through. Teach them all the things you wanted to learn when you were a child that your parents never taught you. Instill values in them so when they do grow up they will not give up on their dreams like you have. —-

But wait, the economy is in the dumps and you can’t afford to have a baby. Babies cost millions of dollars and poop an average of twelve times a day. There is no way you can afford all those diapers and cute baby clothes on a Starbucks wage. But you can’t deny the urging inside that pumps you full of all these emotions to have a young creature to hold and care for. Finally, artist Wendy Dickison has delivered a “truly real" substitute for the baby-wanting moms out there. Let me introduce Little Umi, a baby orangutan doll that is sure to steal your heart and all your fruit.

For the one time only price of $139.99, plus $15.99 shipping and handling, this little wiper snapper can be your practice baby til you can afford a real one. With arms and legs made with “collector-quality” silicone, Little Umi will be able to handle as many hugs as you can dish out. You will fall in love with this “sweetheart” the moment you look into her ginormous monkey eyes. If your future child has Werewolf Syndrome or mangled hands and feet due to your vast consumption of drugs and alcohol during pregnancy, you will be experienced with the caretaking of such ordeals. Unlike a real baby that needs attention, Umi will not feel neglected when you are out riding the bull without panties at the Cadillac Ranch, because she comes with a “free” pacifier to make her feel safe and secure. When photos of you and Umi together aren’t enough for friends to believe that you own an orangutan baby, be sure to bust out the Certificate of Authenticity and shove it in the face of all the naysayers.

Is Little Umi not big enough to fill that huge hole in you heart? Then adopt Little Risa, the next installment in the series of cuteness. Don’t let Umi grow up an only child and become a spoiled bitch; make her earn that attention. For a little over $300 you can be the proud parent of two orangutan doll babies that will never grow up and never start sexting. You can sleep comfortably at night knowing that they are dolls and you can’t possibly kill them or ruin their lives.

Don’t waste any more time. Order both sets now!