Charlie's Corner: Jessica Sandwich Simpson

Feb 12, 2009 at 5:10 pm

Today I was scanning the pop culture information super highway to catch up on the latest fads. What's cool, what's hott, what's in, what's not. As I clicked around I came across some newly published pictures of Jessica Simpson. As I gazed at her face with my bedroom eyes, they slowly transformed into bulging ping-pong balls. My F-stop quickly went from an f/8 to an f/1.4 in 1/500 of a second. The sight of this fat woman that was almost finished devouring Jessica Simpson's body, feet first, was on the front page of People magazine. —-

I screamed in horror at the cannibalism that was being performed so publicly in today's media. I then stared for another moment only to realize that a fat woman wasn't eating Jessica, she was the fat woman! How could she even allow herself to be photographed? Maybe she is under the same contract as Shamu and gets delicious treats from Chicken of the Sea every photo op.

As I did my research on celebrity weight gain, it was apparent that this is a classic case of "The Wedding Weight." Much like the Freshman Fifteen, one gains massive amounts of weight while entering a new part of life. And much like those fatty freshman that are too busy "concentrating on their studies/parties," Jessica's "family life" kept her from having the time to workout constantly and eat nothing but carrots. If in today's society a celebrity can walk outside with fatty, high-waisted jeans on and bat wing arms and get away with it, I'm going to have to be forced to take action. Perhaps become my own celebrity where I will run a celebrity training camp on VH1 to keep all the fatties in line. Then I can force Jessica Simpson to work out, do silly challenges and eat carrots all at the same time. These celebrities are our entertainment and I will not have Fattie McGhee-Presley entertaining me, unless it's Biggest Loser because I know I'm better than them and they're not celebrities. So celebrities, learn your place in our lives.

Miss Celebrity you are not Joann from Marketing. You cannot let yourself go and eat Cheetos with cream cheese for lunch. You have to be the one in the bathing suit with a rocking bod that Joann pins to her fridge and strives to be like. Mr. and Miss Celebrity, you are not humans, so you will not be treated like one. You are the gods of beauty and talent and without you our simple 9-5 lives would be so empty. What will we chat about at the water cooler? Ted says, "Gee the harvest looks good this year, I really enjoy growing my own food." Then friendly Philip says, "I really wish the separation of church and state would be practice more in our government." Nobody wants to talk about that! So please, please lose the weight so we can go back to adoring you're quirky slip-ups and all around weirdness.