Cover Story: Silent Night, Holy Night

Many are chaotic and full of fright

 
Ryan Greis



If you're looking for a holiday gift for that paranoid person who has everything — including a bomb shelter in the backyard, a stockpile of guns in the basement and enough canned goods to last seven years — the Internet might be your answer.

A wide variety of fashionable protective gear is available at www.bulletproofme.com, where you can purchase a bulletproof jacket for $450 to $660. The site declares that the garment "looks like a windbreaker jacket — but hidden underneath is a ballistic vest."

Don't worry about the jacket clashing with your friend's favorite outfit, because it's available in wine, olive or dark navy. With that choice of colors, you don't have to worry that someone else will be wearing the same outfit at the holiday office party.

Don't forget that bullets aren't the only worry we have in these post-modern, post-terrorism days. You can also pick up a made-to-order bullet-proof briefcase or backpack insert at the site. At $1 per square inch, how can you go wrong?

According to bulletproofme.com, you can "insert Level III-A protection into your briefcase or backpack and you can transform an inconspicuous everyday object into a convenient ballistic shield."

Ballistic shields: Don't leave home without them.

If it turns out that even a ballistic shield, a bomb shelter and a bullet-proof London Fog aren't enough protection, your friend might have to flee to the woods to hide in the event of a terrorist attack.

Never fear: Our comrades at the Department of Defense have written a guide for such instances. For example, pick up your very own copy of the U.S. Army Survival Manual for $14.95 at Amazon.com. It includes handy tips on how to tolerate pain, catch and eat insects, signal aircraft with your body and clean a snake.

Another book that could make for pleasant reading for those nights spent hiding in a cave is The Complete Book of Survival: How to Protect Yourself Against Revolution, Riots, Hurricanes, Famines and other Natural and Man-Made Disasters. Available at

 
Ryan Greis



If you're looking for a holiday gift for that paranoid person who has everything — including a bomb shelter in the backyard, a stockpile of guns in the basement and enough canned goods to last seven years — the Internet might be your answer.

A wide variety of fashionable protective gear is available at www.bulletproofme.com, where you can purchase a bulletproof jacket for $450 to $660. The site declares that the garment "looks like a windbreaker jacket — but hidden underneath is a ballistic vest."

Don't worry about the jacket clashing with your friend's favorite outfit, because it's available in wine, olive or dark navy. With that choice of colors, you don't have to worry that someone else will be wearing the same outfit at the holiday office party.

Don't forget that bullets aren't the only worry we have in these post-modern, post-terrorism days. You can also pick up a made-to-order bullet-proof briefcase or backpack insert at the site. At $1 per square inch, how can you go wrong?

According to bulletproofme.com, you can "insert Level III-A protection into your briefcase or backpack and you can transform an inconspicuous everyday object into a convenient ballistic shield."

Ballistic shields: Don't leave home without them.

If it turns out that even a ballistic shield, a bomb shelter and a bullet-proof London Fog aren't enough protection, your friend might have to flee to the woods to hide in the event of a terrorist attack.

Never fear: Our comrades at the Department of Defense have written a guide for such instances. For example, pick up your very own copy of the U.S. Army Survival Manual for $14.95 at Amazon.com. It includes handy tips on how to tolerate pain, catch and eat insects, signal aircraft with your body and clean a snake.

Another book that could make for pleasant reading for those nights spent hiding in a cave is The Complete Book of Survival: How to Protect Yourself Against Revolution, Riots, Hurricanes, Famines and other Natural and Man-Made Disasters. Available at Amazon.com for $25, it covers just about everything you could think of in your worst icky nightmare.

Potential stocking stuffers are available at www.onlinecipro. com, where you can get a 90-day supply of anthrax-fighting Cipro for the bargain price of only $900. It's a must-have for anyone who works for the government, the post office, the media or anyone who even knows somebody who knows somebody who's famous.

If it turns out that your friend gets lucky and avoids anthrax, he or she can use the Cipro for other unfortunate illnesses such as infectious diarrhea, typhoid fever or gonorrhea in the urethra or cervix.

Don't forget the baby when doing your holiday shopping. Great stocking stuffers are available at www.surviveamerica.com, where you can grab up a baby-protector gas mask for infants from birth to age three. The swaddling clothes will protect your favorite tot from chemical elements; they come complete with a handy travel case.

For a mere $225.50, the site also offers the Stealth 400 Full Face Gas Mask for the paranoid adult. The mask has a non-scratch visor, so it won't be easily destroyed in hand-to-hand combat.

If your budget's a bit tighter, turn to www.emergencymasks. com for fashionable Russian gas masks at $49.95 a pop. Who says the Russians aren't our friends? Sure, the masks will make you look like you're ready to star in a remake of The Fly, but everyone will wish they had one when Armageddon rolls around.

If your friends think they might be infected with anthrax, they can check their homes for the contagion with the anthrax detection kit available at www.testsymptomsathome.com. The test kits ($24.95 each) detect anthrax spores in the air, on surfaces or in the water.

Why take chances with letting the white death into your home? Spritz some SprayGuard on the tree. The first EPA-approved Anthrax decontaminant spray — available for $39.95 at www.guardamerica.net — Sprayguard "kills Anthrax and other deadly biological warfare agents virtually within minutes of contact."

Spray it on any suspicious mail or packages, especially the lumpy ones or those from scary foreign countries. And have a joyous, peaceful, paranoid holiday.©

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