Nothing but the best for us! You wouldn't catch us dead at a rent-a-room-by-the-hour dive motel. We treat our worn-out bodies to the crème de la crème. GRAND HOTEL: THE MUSICAL is the only way to go. We're talking courtesy robes and mints on the pillow. There's even singing bellhops. Now that's styling. (See Onstage.)
It's a TOM WOLFE in sheep's clothing. OK, so we don't actually know what the acclaimed author wears while writing his tomes. Everyone has his or her own method. Personally, we like to dress up as Supremes-era Diana Ross.
That's just what works for us. Wolfe, though, has his own right stuff. Perhaps it's just a dose of his Electric Kool-Aid. (See Literary.)
We have half a mind to call our mommy! It's simply not fair. She hasn't taken us to RINGLING BROS. and BARNUM & BAILEY CIRCUS since we were wee tykes. We don't see why. We clean our plates. We keep our room picked up. We never sass. OK, so there was that series of incidents when we turned 16. But that's long past us. You know, just because we're well past the legal age of drinking, we can still enjoy the circus! (See Events.)
Miami University is certainly jazzed up these days. BRANFORD MARSALIS will share "Virtuosity and Excellence." Hmmm. We're afraid we don't know that one. Is it anything like "Pomp and Circumstance"? We're completely stumped. Maybe if someone could hum a few bars of it, we'd recognize it. Why can't he just stick to the old standards, like "The Peanuts Theme"? (See Events.)
For some reason, AMY TAN has a bone to pick with us. We can't understand why. We loved The Joy Luck Club. We even started playing mahjong after we read it. We've done nothing but adore her from afar. (We learned our lesson about stalking after Tom Robbins pressed charges against us.) Now, she's sending The Bonesetter's Daughter after us! Amy, can you ever forgive us? (See Literary.)
Did we miss something? Suddenly we're onto EVE 6. What happened to Eves 1 through 5? Were they just not up to the Rock & Roll lifestyle? Are we counting incarnations of the band? That can't be right. What if all bands did that? We'd be on Red Hot Chili Peppers 425. Or is that 426? See the problems that causes! (See Music.)