Dec. 14-20: Worst Week Ever!

Rev. Pat Robertson’s think tank was working overtime early this morning, trying to substantiate links between the power outages which delayed last night’s Pittsburgh Steelers game in Candlestick Park against the San Francisco 49ers and God’s angry hand.

Dec 21, 2011 at 8:43 am


Both liberals and non-liberals wrote a lot today about how hard it was to understand Mitt Romney’s proposed $10,000 bet with Rick Perry during last weekend’s Republican primary debate. In a rare form of unity, pundits from both sides of American politics agreed that being in a situation where betting against a man of Perry’s level of intelligence and tolerance is the best idea you can come up with was not exactly a good place to be. When it was suggested that flippantly wagering $10,000 as if it were a 12-pack of beer really makes it impossible for people who don’t make three times that in a year to relate to you, Romney explained “ask your chauffeur or your team of gardeners … they’ll tell you what I did doesn’t mean I’m not a regular blue collar guy.”


Local landlord Jamie Hein got the short end of the stick last Sept. 29 when The Ohio Civil Rights Commission ruled that she violated the Ohio Civil Rights Act by posting an iron “Public Swimming Pool, White Only” sign by the entrance to a pool in a duplex, which for some reason offended a girl visiting her parents last summer. The parents filed a complaint and moved out of the complex to “avoid subjecting their family to further humiliating treatment.” Now Hein wants the commission to reconsider its decision. Hein believes that the girl whose family filed the complaint used chemicals in her hair that would “make the pool cloudy” and that white people never muck up the water at a pool and are always clean. Hein also wants the commission to know that the pillow case with eye holes cut out of it that she wants to start wearing while collecting rent is to keep her from getting too much sun and has nothing to do with being a racist dumbass.


Taking a young lady like Taylor Swift, whose awful lyrics about not being as sweet as another lady cuz “she wears short skirts/I wear T-shirts” and putting her into a beauty product’s ad campaign seems pretty fake. By photoshopping Swift’s eyelashes in the Cover Girl Natureluxe Mousse Mascara ads so they would be longer and girthier (which is exactly what guys want in a woman), Procter & Gamble managed to upset the National Advertising Division of the Better Business Bureau … and make things even more fake somehow. As a result of the backlash (Ha!), P&G decided to pull the ads. A spokeswoman said “well at least they were print ads so you didn’t have to hear her warbling off key like some sort of gravely injured Southern bird.”


Northern Kentucky University has excitedly joined the cesspool known as Division I college athletics by becoming a member of the Atlantic Sun Conference. Today NKU announced a $6 million capital campaign for athletics, which will likely be the first drop into a very large and leaky bucket of money. It is rumored that NKU will use some campaign money to hire a consulting firm to help them develop a persona to broadcast to the other local college B-ball teams. The unnamed firm is said to be having a bear of a time trying to figure out if it’d be best for the NKU team to be more like the shit-talking players from UC or Xavier and how to go about making themselves seem real proper and concerned about academics the next time one of their games turns into a bare-knuckle boxing event.


Today God was too busy humming “The Twelve Days of Christmas” and preparing his sleigh for all the Christmas presents he has to deliver to come down from the North Pole and give the Tim Tebow-led Denver Broncos another win that the defense and special teams actually deserved credit for. Without the power of God, his reindeer and the disciples on his side, Tebow was helpless as the New England Patriots came to town and throttled the Broncos 41-23. Long after the game was over and people ran out of nice things to say about Tebow, the young QB sat alone in his locker stall flipping through his Bible in an attempt to find a verse numbered “41:23” that could somehow make sense out of the game for him.


In these crazy times, fads such as planking and Tebowing have made it in the news. Perhaps because of this, the Cincinnati Park Board is being proactive rather than reactive. Today it approved a new rule that makes lying down on park benches, ledges and in some cases the ground in any of Cincinnati 5,000 acres of parks illegal. Violators of this new rule can be fined up to $150. Park officials argue that these laws aren’t a reaction aimed at hemming up Occupy Cincinnati and that they don’t necessarily use umbrellas when it’s raining because of the rain.


Rev. Pat Robertson’s think tank was working overtime early this morning, trying to substantiate links between the power outages which delayed last night’s Pittsburgh Steelers game in Candlestick Park against the San Francisco 49ers and God’s angry hand. Later this week, Robertson and friends are planning to unveil a Powerpoint presentation entitled “Monday Night Football Was Delayed Because San Francisco is Gay!!!” Robertson, who in the past has blamed Jews and homosexuals for a lot of stuff, plans to highlight the presentation by noting that “not only did San Francisco have a gay mayor, they made a [expletive] movie about him.”

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]