To: All local NRA chapters
From: NRA National Headquarters
Subject: School violence spic control
Fellow gun enthusiasts,
The latest spate of school shootings is, of course, a serious matter (though there's a good one going around the office about some students suggesting Santana High School should maybe change its name to Grateful Dead High School). And no one takes gun violence more seriously than we here at the NRA. Seriously.
Unfortunately, over the next few weeks, we can expect the bleeding hearts (just figuratively bleeding, so far) and the anti-gun zealots and the namby-pamby non-Moses-ian celebrities to start beating their gun control bongo drums more loudly, more frequently. They'll be holding press conferences, giving interviews, testifying before Congress, lobbying local and state governments, etc. All with the sole intent of limiting every American's 2nd Amendment right to bear insuperable weaponry (I'm paraphrasing).
In anticipation of this assault on our core beliefs, we at National Headquarters have put together a public relations counteroffensive, one we're counting on you, the local chapters, to implement at a grass roots level. This counteroffensive consists of several talking points (below) which we'd like you to disseminate to your area media outlets, government officials and, ultimately, credulous citizens. These talking points offer tangible, real world solutions for ending violence in our schools and will, therefore, tacitly shift responsibility away from guns and gun access, placing it instead where it really belongs — i.e., anywhere else.
Since students, parents and educators all influence behavior, attitudes and outcomes in different ways, you'll notice we've reflected that trichotomy by suggesting specific courses of action for each group.
· Try not to be popular or participate in sports.
It's snotty show-offs like jocks, cheerleaders, class presidents, homecoming queens, et al. who draw the most fire from the bottom-dwelling type of student who's likely to go on a bloody rampage.
· Befriend a loser or loner. You know who they are. Quiet, ostracized, possibly bookish or really into the Internet and/or Goth scenes, maybe with some physical anomaly. Start hanging with her/him now and s/he may not pull the trigger on you later.
· Don't make eye contact with anyone. Especially if the other person is looking at you through a telescopic sight.
· Skip school as often as possible. It only makes sense that if you're not in school 50 percent of the time, your chances of being shot also drop 50 percent.
· Opt for camouflage fashions and clothing. Choose items that will blend in with the bland institutional décor of your particular school. After all, the shooter can't hit what he can't see.
· Don't raise a zero, geek or squirrel.
· Closely monitor your child's appearance. If the 1960s taught us anything, it's that a weird-looking kid is more likely to be a weird-acting kid.
· Watch for signs of despair, depression, violence or antisocial behavior in your child and then quickly try to find a pill that will fix his/her behavior.
· Lock up all your guns or, if you have too many for that to be practical, lock up all your children.
· If you yourself are arrested or convicted of a killing spree or other gun violence in the workplace, discuss your motivations and legal defense honestly with your children at dinner.
· Encourage responsible gun handling by students by making a shooting class part of the required curriculum.
· Pass "concealed carry" rules for your school. More and more states are recognizing that an armed citizenry is a safer citizenry, and so should you. Think about it: If everyone knows that a large precentage of your student body is always carrying a gun, how likely is it that an angry or despondent individual student will draw on his/her classmates?
· Discontinue all Phys Ed activities that work and strengthen children's arms and upper bodies. By allowing their musculature to atrophy, students will soon become unable to lift and carry bigger, heavier weapons, like shotguns, automatic assault rifles or even some long barrel, large caliber handguns.
I personally want to thank you in advance for all your help on this important issue. And let's all try to remember: There's room for the 2nd Amendment in secondary education.
President, Nation Rifle Association