WEDNESDAY FEB. 1
Researchers who have worked doggedly for years to combat AIDS are now better equipped to understand the terrible virus and eradicate it, thanks to Knoxville Republican Senator Stacey Campfield. During a recent radio interview, Campfield divulged that AIDS came from “one guy screwing a monkey, if I recall correctly, and then having sex with men.” Campfield supports a bill that would result in teachers addressing only “natural human reproduction” in Tennessee’s K-8 public school classrooms. Campfield cleverly calls it a “Don’t Teach Gay” bill. Opponents have begun checking the state’s records to see which politician from yesteryear passed the “Don’t Teach Shit” bill which they believe is partially responsible for Campfield’s base level of intellect.
THURSDAY FEB. 2
Cincinnati Public Schools today announced that high school students will soon have digital personal guidance counselors as early as the ninth grade, thanks to a program called Naviance Succeed. CPS partnered with the software company Naviance to help give the adults of tomorrow valuable career advice. A demonstration of the program revealed that it’s basically a digital Magic 8 Ball that will respond to students’ questions with advice ranging from “Ask Again Later,” “Join the Armed Forces” or “Marry Rich.”
FRIDAY FEB. 3
Kentucky’s House Bill 5 today passed the House Labor and Industry Committee. The bill would require state and local governments to verify employees’ legal statuses using a federal online program. Initially, many business owners balked at the premise because it involved the government telling them to use the internet. Some politicians also worried that the rural agricultural business people might encounter difficulty using the program, though these fears were put to rest today when the bill’s sponsor, Democratic Caucus Chairman Bob Damron of Nicholasville, explained in greater detail how it will work: “You type in the address, and a picture of me comes up. If your worker’s skin is darker than my bald head, well, then you’ve got yourself an illegal immigrant. Right as rain.”
SATURDAY FEB. 4
The Enquirer’s Krista Ramsey wrote an opinion article today titled “Mormons need not be such a mystery.” The piece does an excellent job of preparing those of us who don’t know anybody who talked to Jesus in the 1800s for Mitt Romney’s heavenly ordained presidency. The story leaves out the fact that the church outlawed polygamy all the way back in 1890, prohibited black people from priesthood until 1978 and reportedly only overturned it once senior church members found out that the New Orleans Jazz would be moving to Salt Lake City.
SUNDAY FEB. 5
These days, we’ll look at any job opportunities as a good thing. That’s why Tristate residents should be elated to see Kings Island’s announcement that 4,000 seasonal jobs are “up for grabs” for the 2012 season. While working at an amusement park is traditionally the role of younger folk, the crumbling economy promises us that thousands of professionals who will get laid off from their present jobs between now and the season’s start. At least these layoff victims will have a place to earn income over the summer and think to themselves how similar their twists of fate are to that movie where Kirk Cameron and Dudley Moore switch places.
MONDAY FEB. 6
While most people who were sad that Tom Brady’s hot ass couldn’t will the New England Patriots to victory in Super Bowl XLVI on Sunday spent today recovering, seldom-used wide receiver Chad Ocho Cinco showed his Bengals roots by showing up in Cincinnati for a court date this morning to answer to charges for driving with a suspended license. Ocho Cinco pled guilty, and Municipal Court Judge Russell Mock fined him $200 and ordered him to pay an additional $104 fine. Ocho Cinco’s attorney asked the judge to consider fining his client one dollar for every receiving yard he had this year, but Judge Mock said, “If we did that your fine would probably be cheaper than it’d be to renew your license.”
TUESDAY FEB. 7
Following in the brave steps of Dick Cheney and Ted Strickland, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich ventured deep into the West Side today to meet voters at Price Hill Chili and pretend like he would willingly eat their food if he didn’t need favor votes from everyone there. When asked why Mitt Romney’s campaign tour didn’t make a stop as well, a staffer reasoned that Romney was leery after Cheney called to advise him that his plan to buy the iconic chili parlor, run it into the ground and then outsource the jobs would not be well received by Cincinnati’s West Siders.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]