Forever Yours, Mitt Romney

Whatever being president means, I want it and when I lost in 2012 I did what all sickeningly wealthy people do — I spent money.

Jan 21, 2015 at 9:47 am

My Dearest America (wealthy, white American males):

You must know by now as I hint around the subject of running for president yet again — my third try — how much I really do love you and want to be your leader.

I want to be president so badly I don’t just taste it, I can see it, much like when Joseph Smith saw the angel in upstate New York who came to him, directing him to unearth the golden tablets containing the Book of Mormon, which he so faithfully did.

So, you see, I am directed by a higher power to come to you again with the same tenacity and faith as Smith when he led his people across central Ohio and into Missouri trying to find a soft place to land and to build his kingdom, his “new Jerusalem.”

I know what my arch conservative brothers among you must be thinking: Why should we put our trust in a blunderer like Romney after all this time?

And you’d be right to be so skeptical.

After all, when I was governor of Massachusetts, I was a moderate. And I don’t like to harp on it, but it’s true I enacted a statewide version of Obamacare before Obama was a twinkle in any granola-loving, baby boomer’s eye. I also eliminated billions of dollars in state deficits by cinching corporate tax loopholes — something my uber-wealthy friends outside the state may not know about me.

However, so I wouldn’t come across like a conservative Democrat (doesn’t America have enough of those already?) when I threw my hat into the ring for the 2008 nomination, I had to look a little harder, more like a Republican, but without coming across like a whacked-out Tea Party wing nut.

You try it; it’s really as difficult as me singing on key in public.

Of course, you all know I lost that 2012 nomination to Sen. John McCain and to this day I cannot figure out why you guys liked him better than you liked me. He’s not nearly as good looking; he’s got that square, Rock ’em Sock ’em Robot jaw. Oh! It just came to me: He was a prisoner of war in Vietnam. I guess that does count for something. Well, I was a Mormon missionary in France for nearly three years in the late 1960s. Ah, well.

Back to politics, though.

Well, I did finally convince you of my worthiness to sit Obama down in 2012 when you gave me the nomination, and I am so glad and grateful I was then worth one quarter of one billion dollars because it really helped to get me through my coming rough patches.

If you’ll let me, I can show you all how much money really changes everything.

I know you gave me that nomination — making me the first Mormon to ever be nominated by a major American political party — because I morphed myself once again into someone even more conservative than my flip-flopping, 2008 self.

Yes, I was an arch conservative and, to be honest with you all, it felt really weird, like I wasn’t quite standing right in my own skin.

I was arrogant and sloppy.

But, if you know me, you’d know arrogance and sloppiness are my nature. I was once arrested for disorderly conduct in the early 1980s for taking my boat out on a lake after being warned by a park ranger that my license was improperly displayed. Then, in 1983 I tied our family dog’s carrier (yes, with our dog inside) to the roof of our car for a 12-hour road trip. I had to wash the car after our dog had a terrible case of diarrhea. (Hey, the carrier had a windshield apparatus on it!) That last incident came to light during my last run for president and it’s why I never would appear on Late Night with David Letterman. That guy would not give me a break, I’ll tell ya.

Well, that all paled in comparison to what happened to me — to what I did to myself — two months before the 2012 election.

I thought I was speaking to a room filled with my own supporters when I was videotaped saying that 47 percent of Americans don’t pay income tax, are solely dependant upon the government, see themselves as “victims” and will always unconditionally support Obama.

I finished it off by saying: “ job isn’t to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them that they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.”

That footage went viral and my grave was dug deep.

All I could muster when I got busted was that I’d said something that was “inelegantly stated.” Later, I said I was just dead wrong.

A lot of polls showed that people — albeit Americans I’d never ever in my life come in contact with or knew anything about — thought I did not care about them or their situations.

Really, I ask you: Is this what being president of the United States is really about? Caring about people whose experiences differ wildly from my own?

Well, whatever being president means, I want it and when I lost in 2012 I did what all sickeningly wealthy people do — I spent money. I bought big-ticket stuff. I believe the rank-and-file call it retail therapy?

My wife and I bought two new houses, tore down an old one to build a new one with a car elevator! Isn’t that neat? That caused me some heat in 2012 but it was well worth it to be able to fetch my cars from the lower level and have them literally elevated up to me without ever having to step foot outside.

I’ve told you all about my past mistakes and missteps. Please do not hold any of this against me.

Remember the health care-reforming, deficit-busting governor I was and imagine me doing that stuff in the White House. Or not. Whatever you want.