Furry in Fairfield, Broken in Brooklyn

Dear Maija: Seriously. What's the truth about butt hair? Crack hair, I mean. Is it OK? Must I rid myself of it? Does anyone notice? Is it a thing? — Furry Female in Fairfield

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Dear Maija,
Seriously. What’s the truth about butt hair? Crack hair, I mean. Is it OK? Must I rid myself of it? Does anyone notice? Is it a thing?

— Furry Female in Fairfield

I don’t actually have butt hair … that I know of. I guess I could run my finger down my crack real quick or ask someone to look at it for me (it’s hard to twist your neck like that in the mirror), but I would fucking freak out if I felt anything fuzzy, no offense.

I didn’t even know girls got butt hair. Guys, sure. They have hair growing out of their shoulders! But I had no idea this was a female cosmetic issue.

I do have smatterings of dark, coarse body hair (and a nice, thick mustache) as the result of my blended ethnic backgrounds, Finnish and Italian. I’m a whiter shade of pale with the pubes of Teen Wolf so I do my fair share of tush bleaching, plucking and waxing. And I’ve come to this crossroads more than once in my life: What’s more unattractive? A giant bush or ingrown bikini hairs?

See, the main problem with hair removal is that hair always grows back, seemingly coarser, itchier and bumpier than before. Keeping up with it is like moving an ocean with an eyedropper, so I tend to prefer a natural, overgrown look because I don’t want to invest the time or the money into personal maintenance. (CityBeat’s lucky if I wash my hair to come to work).

But for you, I understand the more serious concern. It seems logistically impossible and/or dangerous to try to shave your butt crack, and I don’t think it’s wise to get depilatories, like Nair, that close to your anus. I think this is a “Don’t try this at home” situation.

If you have a partner and you want to run up to CVS and buy some Nads and make a night of it, then maybe. But, if you already have a partner who’s willing to help you wax your ass hair, then what’s the problem? You’re like a live, nude plushie.


Dear Maija,

If the only information you know about this situation is this information about a guy I'm dating, is it enough for you to judge accordingly or is there an excuse for everything? What do you do with a person who has been very forthcoming, which seems like a sign of truthfulness, but whose actions scream mistrust. Info is as follows: 1.) He has had sex with a man before (he was a top). 2.) He is a serial cheater (direct quote). 3.) He is still living with his girlfriend of three years (move out date Sept. 1 ... drum roll). 4.) During a date he reported that he had just left a hotel room after banging a married 43-year-old woman who flew him to Korea one time for a fashion show/business trip. 5.) Two weeks later he told me she gave him herpes. 6.) I caught him driving past my house, saw him look up to see if my light was on and then drive off. 7.) He pays for everything, including everything for my friends. 8.) And sex has not transpired.

— Broken in Brooklyn (Yeah. That Brooklyn.)

It’s really hard to break up with a guy who pays for everything, so I understand your distress. Before making any rash decisions, let’s look at each of these actions individually.

Plenty of people have sex with members of their own gender. Usually these people refer to themselves as homosexuals, but some people like to call themselves “bi” or “open-minded.” This to me is a non-issue, especially if he was a top.

Also, I’m a serial cheater and most of the time the other guys don’t mean anything. Really.

I lived with my boyfriend for a while after we broke up. It’s hard to sever those ties and probably even harder to find a nice apartment in New York. Based on location, I think this is excusable. Moving sucks.

The driving by your house thing is weird. There's no excuse for this. It's freaky.

And the no sex part? Sorry to break this to you, but your boyfriend sounds like a gigolo. I think your boyfriend gets paid to have sex with people. Men and women. STDs are a part of this profession. So is low self-esteem. The fact that you haven’t had sex yet means he really likes you and really respects you. It's like that one Sex and the City episode.

My motto: “If he pays, you stay,”
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