Greenest Man Alive

I really want everyone to know that I’m going green, but it’s hard to do! I don’t really invite people over to my house so they can’t see my garden, compost flies or my gray water system. I don’t have a Toyota Prius. I don’t even have a car. So no one sees that I don’t have a car, and if they do see me out walking, they probably think the car is at my house. With the addition of our solar panels and gutter water wheels we are now completely off the grid, so no one can look up how little I’m spending on electric. I ride my bikes around the city but since I switch from my 10-speed to my single speed to my fixie all the time, no one realizes it’s the same guy riding all those bikes. I’m doing all these green things but no one knows how green I am. I thought all my efforts were going to waste, but I found a way to let people know that I’m the greenest dude in town!—-

I started by cutting down my showers from once a week to only walking in the rain. Despite not showering or wearing my Tom’s deodorant anymore, I still couldn’t make my stench strong enough to create an impact. So I decided to start wiping garlic and onion peels under my armpits to enhance the rank coming from my body. After a good night's sleep with six cloves and a sweet onion taped to my underarms, topped of with two comforters covering my body, my pits were ripe with flavor.

Now when I walk into an enclosed place, people’s heads turn, and I can see them whisper to their friends, “Wow, that guy smells so green!”

People flock to my side wondering how and why I became so green. I then go on a rant of why I went green, and explain to them that the man is harvesting the planet’s blood and expects us to pay for it. I tell them how we are part of the earth and if the man wants to charge us for water now, what’s going to stop him from charging us for oxygen in the future…man. As their faces light up in excitement they say, “How do we stop this man?!” I push the hair out of my face and say, “If you wannabe green, you gotta not clean!”

I have officially raised noses, and awareness for my greenness. Soon Oprah will have me on her show asking me to tape onions to her armpits. Perhaps Cameron Diaz will Skype in explaining how she uses old tampons for towels in order to be green like me. It will be a viral hit, and all the top morning shows will have me on to explain and demonstrate how to go green. I will reach my goal of worldwide green recognition soon enough! Cincinnati will be on the map for the most progressive and stinky city in the US!

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