Since I’m convinced the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, Will and Kate, rarely have physical contact and imagining their sexy times is like picturing two pieces of notebook paper laying on a desk, I think it’s safe to say Queen Elizabeth’s turkey baster procedure was a success, cause Royal Baby Watch is upon us!
Duchess Kate was hospitalized last week for Hyperemesis Gravidarum, which is pretty much a fancy way of saying “bad baby morning barfs.” My professional opinion is that her tiny 12-year-old boy body has gone into shock now that it requires more than its usual daily dose of three saltines and a grapefruit. Will and Kate’s baby is approximately the size of a pea at this point and people are already putting Kate’s nonexistent stomach under a microscope, asking absurd questions like "Could it be twins?" And, ever the bastion of journalism, US Weekly has a timeline of the duchess’ body changes over the past 10 years here. See Kate’s shape transform from fettuccine to spaghetti to spaghetti a la fetus before your eyes!
I’m rarely one to say “poor princess” and I love a good celebrity pregnancy as much as the next sad fool, but Kate's gone through more than a year of royal pressure to get knocked up, and now she is, but not even at the standard pregnancy announcement 3-month mark yet. Let up on her womb, yo!
If Kate was like us lowly commoners, she’d likely be Instagramming her tiny bump and tweeting from inside the hospital (Nuthin 2 worry bout, just tummy troubles #preggers). Call it over-sharing, but most people announce their monumental life moments on social media. So, thankfully, if you were trying to recall the major events you experienced this past year, Facebook has gone ahead and just done it for ya. Just go to your page, click See your 2012 Year in Review or go to facebook.com/yearinreview/[your Facebook url]. A slideshow of photos you’ve been tagged in rotates above a list of friends you’ve added and pages you’ve liked in the past 12 months. Scrolling further down, Facebook has generated what it believes to be the 20 “biggest moments” from your year, including status updates, photos and links. I’m assuming those who’ve posted about starting a new job, getting engaged/married, moving to a new city or having a baby — royal or otherwise — would see those types of announcements highlighted, but for losers like me that just incessantly post pointless crap, this feature is pretty damn funny.
3/20 "biggest moments" of my year include fictional characters and alcohol.
Social media is more than just a place to show off how great your life is to all your lame high school friends #thankful. It’s also a platform to reach out to public figures and celebrities. And while a member of Smash Mouth probably doesn’t fall into either category in the year 2012, Jon Hedren became determined to get a response from the band once Smash Mouth got a verified Twitter account in 2011.
Now, for those who don’t remember, Smash Mouth was a San Jose-based Pop/Rock band that provided songs for every major movie trailer and/or film credits in the late ‘90s-early ‘00s (Mystery Men, Shrek, Rat Race, Inspector Gadget — and that’s just “All Star”). They also mastered the art of the pencil-thin chin strap.
Holy shit, it’s Dane Cook…
Jon tweeted multiple silly messages to the band, but the one stood out:
After hundreds of retweets, the dumb challenge turned into a pledge to raise money for charity — all if lead singer Steve Harwell would eat a giant plate of eggs. Weeks later, a San Jose music venue promoter reached out to Jon after talking the challenge over with Harwell. More than $100,000 was raised for St. Jude’s and the Smash Mouth dude agreed to scarf some eggs at the nearby opening of a Guy Feiri restaurant. Best team-up ever, right? As Jon describes in his Vice story, “Guy and Steve were supposedly old friends and not actually the same man, despite the exact same fashion sense and divorced dad aura.”
Go here to read the full first-hand account of how this guy got the Smash Mouth guy to accept an eating challenge.
Everyone knows a good way for an actor to clinch an Oscar nom is by dropping or gaining a ton of weight. By those standards, the stars of Dallas Buyer’s Club, due in theaters in 2013, should be racking up the awards next year because they’re giving a new name to manorexia. Matthew McConaughey, who plays Ron Woodruff — a Texan who contracted HIV in the ‘80s — has been photographed in various stages of emaciation over the past few months (a stark contrast to his recent beefy Magic Mike look). And Jared Leto, portraying a transgendered woman with AIDS, recently posed for photographer Terry Richardson’s camera. I mean, way to commit to your craft but dude is cartoon skinny — like, he disappears when he turns to the side.
In Beyonce news, which should always be its own category, Mrs. Jay-Z is set to perform the halftime show at Super Bowl XLVII, she just signed a major deal with Pepsi and has directed, produced and starred in her own documentary, premiering on HBO Feb. 16. Sounds like 2013 will be the year of the Bey.
And if you attempted multiple times to pause exactly on the shot of what appears to be Beyonce’s pregnant belly (not that I did…), it looks like she’s finally putting those fake baby bump conspiracy theories to rest.
Finally, in case you missed the biggest news story of the week, a very fashionable monkey was found in a Toronto Ikea, becoming an instant Internet celebrity. Darwin is a domesticated macaque and has since been taken by animal control. His owner Yasmin Nakhuda is currently trying to get little Darwin back.