The big news this week: True love is dead. As we know, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner confirmed their separation earlier this summer after months (years?) of speculation. Similar rumors have circulated around Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith lately, probably because they’re always talking about how hot their marriage is like a couple of desperate stunt-queens. Despite a recent report confirming their divorce, the couple is denying it. But wait — there’s more. Another famous music couple actually confirmed their split: Reba McIntyre and husband of 26 years (and manager — did that make him Reba’s manager?) Narvel Blackstock. This comes weeks after more contemporary Country couple Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert addressed their breakup. I know, I know — all Hollywood couples are destined for doom — but nothing could prepare me for the news of the leaders of the First Family of Cool, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, divorcing. TRAGEDY! Clearly there’s a national emergency, because freaking Miss Piggy and Kermit have added their names to the R.I.P. True Love list. I thought summer was the season for love.
File under This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things: HitchBot. Some good-natured Canadian scientists created a good-natured hitchhiking, talking robot that could get rides from good-natured Canadian humans from Nova Scotia to British Columbia (basically, across the entire good-natured country). Anyone could pick up the bot and take it closer to his destination, documenting their travels along the way. HitchBot made it to Victoria, B.C., safe and sound — success! HitchBot later ‘hiked its way through Germany and the Netherlands before embarking on its first stateside voyage.
Naturally, we had to ruin everything. On July 17, HitchBot started in Salem, Mass., with a destination of San Francisco. It made it to Philly on Aug. 1 before being busted up by some evil Americans. The scientists, being the good-natured Canadians they are, aren’t taking it personally. BustedBot is coming home for repairs before making another American excursion — starting in Philly — sometime next year. Oh, Canada!
Jumanji is getting a reboot next year, so I guess I might just bury myself underground for a while. Nothing is sacred. Here’s some more Sony Pictures flicks coming in ’16 and ’17.
And I guess while we’re being emotional, here’s audio of Chris Farley as Shrek — the late comedian was the original voice actor for the role; he died shortly before the film was finished and Mike Myers took over the iconic role (and clearly changed the character with his boisterous Fat Bastard-esque take on Shrek’s vocals). You may need to squeeze onto the donkey in your life as you listen.
Jesse Pinkman’s house is for sale.
Will Ferrell is working on a Funny Or Die comedy special for HBO called Ferrell Takes the Field, which follows the funnyman as he takes on 10 different positions for 10 different MLB teams in five games. This all went down March and somehow I missed that shit, because apparently Will played for the Reds against the Diamondbacks for the special during spring training. Ferrell Takes the Field premieres on Sept. 12.
And to end on the happiest of notes, here’s dream-BFFs Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence fucking jet-skiing together like a couple of babes. #squadgoals
