I Want to Make Out with Younger Dudes

Share on Nextdoor

So I’ve watched the MTV Movie Awards about three times since they originally aired on Sunday, and it’s not because I think the host Andy Samberg is a really funny, sexy Jew, which he is. I’m on a boat. Whatever. And it’s not because I have nothing better to do. I do. I just bought a house and I have to paint it and stuff. And I need to do laundry. It’s because I had no effing idea how hot Robert Pattinson and Zac Efron are. What the fuck? Right?—-

Robert Pattinson is the brooding, sexy vampire guy from Twilight and Zac Efron was probably the quarter back or something in High School Musicals 1, 2 and 3. I haven’t seen any of these films because I’m not 14. But I have seen both of these guys talk and move around on the MTV Movie Awards and I have decided I want to make out with them.

These dudes are young. They were probably eighth graders or freshman when I was a senior, but if there’s grass on the field, play ball. If you’re a senior girl and you hook up with a hot freshman, it’s considered pathetic and gross. I don’t really know why. That’s the unfair, unbreakable rule. But if I went to High School Musical and Zac Efron was there and he was some dorky freshman and I was a popular senior, I’d risk my reputation to date him. Or I’d at least make out with him in the auditorium.

I don’t know why there weren’t teenybopper heartthrobs like these two James Dean-ish MFers when I was of the age to buy Tiger Beat magazine. I hated all the “hot” dudes that were around when I was growing up. I would have liked Jonathan Brandis had I known how deep he was before his suicide, but instead I just randomly decided to have a “crush” on Luke Perry. Confession: I’ve never seen a single episode of 90210, except for part of one where a guy brings a gun to school. But I bought a Luke Perry fan book and I took it to all of my slumber parties just so I could talk about how hot Luke Perry was and to prove that I really, really liked him. He wasn’t hot and he was way too old for a 12-year-old to consider sexy.

But Pattinson and Efron get me all Blanche Deveraux-ed just thinking about their young, muscular, shirtless bodies walking around the streets of LA eating Pinkberry, casually running their fingers through their overgrown manes, just pulsing with a raw and reckless sexuality. Is it hot in here?

I Googled both of them (not dirty) and found some pictures from their GQ spreads. Gaze upon them in wonder, my friends:

Why/how can Zac Efron do this?

He's Hot. He's Sexy. He's Undead.

More shirtless Efron:

A double dose of Pattinson:

I say no to Kristen Stewart, but yes to RP in SGs and a suit.

So what now? Am I too old to be obsessed with young celebrities? It seems like the answer is probably yes. But a girl can always hope. Like what if I actually ever got to pick who I wanted to be stranded on a desert island with? Or if I actually got to go, "OK? Really? Three people living or dead. For dinner?" Or if I just found a lamp and I rubbed and a genie came out and said one wish and I said, "I wish that Robert Pattinson was my boyfriend and that we would be in love forever." But it would really work and I wouldn't have to wish for 1,000 more wishes because the genie wouldn't trick me and give me Barbie parts or something. Or make Robert Pattinson's face get burned by acid. But I guess if we were in love forever, I'd still have to love his acid face and I could always make him a mask that looked like his old, perfect, pre-acid face. I'd figure it out.  

Scroll to read more News Feature articles


Join CityBeat Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.