Let me start this off by saying I don’t have children, so I don’t have to deal with the rampant paranoia and psychosocial trauma that results from explaining Santa Claus to toddlers — the bearded stalker who breaks into their homes to eat their cookies and leave behind wrapped boxes like the killer from Se7en. (There’s a reason their tiny survival instincts kick in and they all start crying and screaming when they meet him at the mall.) I don’t have to deal with it, but I do support it.
Kids are dicks, scientifically speaking. They are selfish and self-absorbed because their brains are too immature to understand the concept of altruism. The afterlife mythos that guides the moral compass of adults doesn’t apply to children, only the hibernal horror of a costumed and obese adult male waiting on the roof for them to close their eyes scares them into the black-and-white behavior model of being “good.”
That Pavlovian quid pro quo of good boys and girls receiving toys for being nice is one of the best ways to get them to stop shouting the word “mine” and smacking shit out of other kids’ hands. And if consumerism isn’t enough of a motivator, fear is.
Christmas songs reinforce the warning to naughty children — don’t pout, don’t cry and watch out, because Santa is coming and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. And when he arrives, in America, he’ll leave you some coal — which, though not the end of the world, is potentially socially damaging because you won’t get the same bike as all the other kids on the street and you’ll probably end up with a shitty nickname like “Coal Boy.” But if you happen to live in central Europe, Saint Nick is bringing Krampus, his companion demon-made-flesh, to stuff you into a sack and bring you back to his lair.
When I was a kid, I’d create imaginary scenarios of what I’d do if someone broke into my parent’s house. Generally, I’d join the criminals to save myself and my family, not considering the fact that burglars have no use for a second grader. However, if Santa’s the one breaking in, it stands to reason that you’re definitely going to be kidnapped. He’s got a factory to run, with extremely high heating costs. Keeping his overhead low by setting up a sweatshop full of 6-year-olds with Stockholm Syndrome (e.g. “elves”) makes sense.
Europe’s been around a lot longer than the U.S., so they’ve had quite a bit of time to figure out what level of fear to instill in their children to reap the benefit of good behavior. And it works. French les enfants eat with forks and knives instead of using their grubby hands. This is most likely because French children are treated to the lighthearted story of Le Pere Fouettard, a companion of Saint Nick who doles out floggings and coal to bad boys and girls. Le Pere Fouettard, a former innkeeper, captured three rich kids on their way to boarding school and, along with his wife, drugged them, slit their throats and stewed them in a barrel, I assume to rob them then eat them (with or without utensils?). Saint Nick found out, resurrected the kids, and the psychopath Le Pere now accompanies him on his Christmas rounds as punishment.
In America, thankfully, our Santa, although suffering from an obvious binge-eating disorder, has never been one for cannibalism. And although we aren’t really down with corporal punishment, American parents are getting better at a sort of slow psychological torture. The constant ephemeral threat to our children of an omniscient Christmas spirit was not enough, so we now have the manic and terrifying Chucky fever dream: the Elf on the Shelf. Then there are those talking M&Ms, which seem to always be doing weird shit around the holidays.
So no matter where you live, frightening your kids into good behavior by employing the threat of a pain-inflicting/gift-giving wanderer seems as good a technique as any. The eventual relief they’ll feel when they find out Santa isn’t real will far outweigh any lasting damage. And once they realize it was you giving them presents the entire time — and you never once gave them coal or trapped them in a sack — they’ll love you forever (or at least until they’re teenagers).
Visit Santa at these malls: FLORENCE MALL: Through Dec. 24. 2028 Florence Mall Road, Florence, Ky., florencemall.com/events/santa-photos. KENWOOD TOWNE CENTER: Through Dec. 24. 7875 Montgomery Road, Kenwood, kenwoodtownecentre.com/events/santa-photos. NORTHGATE MALL: Through Dec. 24. 9501 Colerain Ave., Colerain, mynorthgatemall.com/santa.html. TRI-COUNTY MALL: Through Dec. 24. 11700 Princeton Pike, Springdale, tricountymall.com.
