It’s Spring Break, Do You Know Where Your Daughter Is?

Mar 23, 2009 at 2:04 pm

Ah, the spring has sprung and days are growing longer. No more depressing winter cold invading our souls and sucking our lives away as we nap into the afternoon. The imprint in my bed will soon start to rise and my silhouette will disappear. Winter fades into the past and mid-terms or finals come to an end, meaning only one thing: It is finally Spring Break! The ultimate unsupervised vacation for minors and the equally immature freshman in college. —-

Those abs you’ve been working on since your New Years resolution will finally pay off. The time has come to get your back and bikini line waxed and increase your dose of spray-on tan — don’t want to be Casper the friendly hoe, now do we? It’s Spring Break 2009, and no one is going to party harder than your daughter. The most popular destination seems to be the one and only Panama City where anything goes and the STDs flow. Mainly an attraction for jocks, sorority girls or high schoolers that blossomed too early, this cesspool of sex and sin usually ends up with either a rape case, mace face, hidden abortion place or a drug-laced incident. Spring break in Panama City is like a yearly meeting of the douchebags.

“I call this meeting into session, first order of business, TITTIES!!!” This annual asshole assembly will bring in such popular pop culture figures like dudes with white hats and roofies, girls with low self-esteem the creepy guy that wants to relive the old days of Panama in 1983, cougars with daughters and teenagers that will get the IRL experience on sexting. Add in a disposable income from parents' bank accounts and you are in store for a molestation of a good time.

Remember that body grooming is a very important statement that says, “The smoother we are the faster it goes in!” Girls, don’t forget to wax that happy trail cause you know the belly button is a bound to be filled with tequila and then slurped up by a backwards hat-wearing dude with a crustache. Guys, no girl likes below the head body hair. We all know girls enjoy that rash they get after riding your 5 o’clock groan shadow. For both sexes, don’t forget — you will be wearing flip-flops all the time, so shave that toe hair, ew!

After all the black outs and debauchery that goes down, the young will return back to their Midwest McMansions to reminisce about their week of “paradise.” As they are confronted with the charges on the credit card by their parents, the youngsters explain that the "Blow Job" is a type of shot and nothing more. While resting up for class the next day they are haunted by the sores on their privates and the pain in their anus, from what was explained to them by their one nightstand as the “scuba diving sickness.” Even though none of them went scuba diving.

It is not until they finally log onto Facebook to confirm all 300 of their new “friends” that some pictures will start to surface from those fuzzy nights and the rash, sore anus and the lumps on the genitals will all start to make sense. Just like any embarrassing picture on the Internet, the events that happened on spring break will live with you forever.