Jan. 11-17: Worst Week Ever!

Satanists everywhere rejoiced today as the New England Patriots thrashed the Denver Broncos 45-10 in AFC Playoff action. A spokesperson for the Church of Satan noted that Denver quarterback Tim Tebow’s total passing yards this week was so low “you’d prob

Go Patriots!
Go Patriots!


Southwest Ohio Lawmaker Rep. Ron Maag (R-Salem Township) believes The Buckeye State should raise its speed limit from 65 to 70 miles an hour. “To be consistent, the other interstates should be 70,” Maag told The Enquirer. “And neighboring states — Kentucky, Indiana, West Virginia — have 70. It’s just important to be consistent.” Portions of the interview involved Maag articulating the importance of alphabetically ordering your CDs on the CD tower so they’re easier to locate, in order to help further his point. Maag added that “if the economy in Ohio wasn’t in such a fiery freefall I totally would have mailed the self-addressed envelope and check for $49.95 to Sammy Hagar so he could sing an updated version of his classic jam, which we would call “I Can’t Drive 65.” 


The Dayton Daily News today reported that officials there are worried that Cincinnati’s high syphilis rate is “having a ripple effect on the Dayton region.” Editors decided “ripple effect” was a better description to use in a family paper than “firm, painless, non-itchy skin ulceration.” Hamilton County reportedly ranks 12th nationwide in the number of syphilis cases and third per-capita. Jim Gross, whose title of “health commissioner for Public Health” sounds really important, says, “We fear the problem is coming up Interstate 75 and we want to stop it. … We recognize their problem can quickly become our problem.” Gross also noted that it’s “so Cincinnati to get ranked at something but never be No. 1.”


State Rep. Alicia Reece (D-Bond Hill) is co-sponsoring a bill that would allow universities in the state to pay athletes annual stipends of up to $8,000. The proposal also would allow outside sources (surely none tied to agents, bookies and organized-crime figures) to pay athletes up to $4,000, according to the AP. The bill comes in the wake of an Ohio State football scandal that involved players selling and trading memorabilia, such as championship rings and equipment in for tattoos and money. A Columbus tattoo shop owner was later convicted on drug trafficking and money laundering charges. When Reece was asked how things would be different in college athletics if the bill passes, she replied, “Hopefully in the future these kids will be able to pay for their tattoos in cash rather than having to give up their cleats, gloves and jerseys in order to get them.”


Satanists everywhere rejoiced today as the New England Patriots thrashed the Denver Broncos 45-10 in AFC Playoff action. A spokesperson for the Church of Satan noted that Denver quarterback Tim Tebow’s total passing yards this week was so low “you’d probably find something about it in the book of Genesis.” Tebow was bested by New England’s three-time Super Bowl Champion Tom Brady, who threw six touchdowns in the game. Off the gridiron, Brady has occupied himself over the last decade or so by leaving his pregnant girlfriend, making more money than you can count and having sex with Gisele Bundchen and a bunch of other supermodels whenever he feels like it. 


The Springfield Township trustees’ plan to start charging for the use of its athletic field could result in local children not being able to play on them. Finneytown Athletic Association President Brian Watson told The Enquirer that the $6,600 fee he is expecting to be charged for next baseball season would raise the cost of playing on the field to $60 per child. Watson believes this will result in losing “50 to 60 of the children.” In a last gasp measure, the trustees and the association are said to be working on schematic designs for liquor luges which would be stationed at the concession stands at the fields. According to parents who have to sit through their kids’ sloppily played games in the broiling sun all summer, the funding generated would be enough for everyone to be able to play for free and attend an end-of-season banquet at Disney World.


The Hyde Park Neighborhood Council will open a dialogue on public housing in their neighborhood after a recent meeting in which residents complained a lot about the Cincinnati Metropolitan Housing Authority’s plan to let poor people live by them. In addition to concerns about popular jogging routes being congested by people waiting at bus stops, others are afraid that they will feel slightly less rich if public housing becomes a part of Hyde Park’s future. Janet Buening, president of the Hyde Park Neighborhood Council, has told people not to worry if they can’t make it to the meeting, since her dialogue about this issue only uses the words “hell” and “no” and shouldn’t take very long to deliver.


Celebrity chef Paula Deen today announced a partnership with drug maker Novo Nordisk to launch a program that aims to promote a new diabetes drug and help people living with Type 2 diabetes. Deen believes her work with the company will help millions of Americans by showing regular people how they can avoid the disease, and also helping those who have already purchased and used her cookbooks learn how to better live with the disease.

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]

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