July 13-19: Worst Week Ever!

There are certain topics that newspaper headline writers enjoy a lot, the type of stories that allow for the creation of puns so funny that every elderly person who can still read 48-point font will laugh until they pee their pants (and then hopefully la


Everybody knows that you can’t bolster the credibility of a witness by using inadmissible evidence — at least that’s what U.S. District Judge Reggie Walton today said every first-year law student should already know. That didn’t stop prosecutors from doing just that in the Roger Clemens “I might have done steroids but I didn’t lie to y’all” case, thereby compromising Clemens’ ability to get a fair trial. Walton today declared a mistrial after prosecutors twice violated an order Walton earlier gave them, which went something like this: DO NOT REVEAL INADMISSIBLE EVIDENCE; CASE AT RISK; #ROCKETMAN. Walton has scheduled a hearing Sept. 2 to determine whether to have a new trial or give Clemens a chance to strikeout one of the prosecutors who played college baseball to prove he can throw hard without performance enhancing drugs.


There are plenty of superficial ways to describe the difference between Democrats and Republicans (saying that Republicans don’t respect women, minorities or poor people is a fairly surface-level assessment, despite its general truths). That’s why it was interesting today to read an AP story describing a Republican-sponsored bill that would require Ohio high schools to teach a bunch of the Tea Party’s favorite historical documents (the Constitution, Declaration of Independence, etc.) after refusing to include documents that helped America rectify the rampant racism involved in the creation of the previous ones. Democrats have been assured that teachers may still feel free to teach the Emancipation Proclamation, Civil Rights Act and Voting Rights Act but that they’re going to make some kids wonder what the [expletive] was wrong with the forefathers.


There are certain topics that newspaper headline writers enjoy a lot, the type of stories that allow for the creation of puns so funny that every elderly person who can still read 48-point font will laugh until they pee their pants (and then hopefully laugh about that). One such topic offered itself to The Enquirer today — the possible legalization of medical marijuana — and its online editor came through with the following: “Pot ballot measure now a joint effort.” (Ha.) Whomever authored such hilarity was only following the lead of the Columbus Dispatch reporter who described the person backing the newest legislation, Cleveland billionaire Peter Lewis, as having already “sent up smoke signals.” The actual report stated that the “Ohio medical Cannabis Act of 2012” would allow qualified patients to purchase as much as 60 grams of pot so long as they don’t sell it to children or any animals they might believe are speaking to them after using it.


If the success of reality TV has taught us anything, it’s that people will follow a story of an average person doing just about anything (remember all the bugs that got ate on that one show?). The Enquirer today checked in on a community assumed to be even less interesting via a 1,400-word feature on the latest restructuring of P&G executives. Apparently, “P&G watchers” have been anxiously waiting to see how the company positions its managers in the wake of recent departures by high-level executives, with some insiders predicting the next P&G leader could be the company’s first female CEO. Though The Enquirer failed to clearly define the news value of the inner-workings of P&G, it used several statistics to demonstrate how big and cool the company is despite its lack of female leadership during the previous 174 years.


Remember how conservative City Council members voted against increasing the property tax rate despite property values going down and it adding $5 million to the deficit? (Sorry if you were trying not to.) The Enquirer today reported that despite conservatives’ fear that keeping taxes the same would result in a mass boycott of business expansion and development in the region, it turns out that a quick comparison of tax rates in nearby areas finds Cincinnati’s to be quite low. Chris Bortz, one of the five council members who doesn’t care about the deficit enough to not cut taxes for rich people, said it’s likely that the cuts the city will be forced to make will largely affect poor people so it’s no big deal.


Imagine casually driving your car up to a busy intersection, preparing for a left-hand turn and looking up at the traffic signal only to find a blinking yellow arrow where there’s supposed to be a green light. That’s totally gonna surprise you, right? That’s what the Ohio Department of Transportation hopes will happen once it installs new yellow arrows in order to give drivers a clearer indication that if they’re going to turn left, they should do so cautiously. A public education campaign will be launched before the arrows start scaring people.


The Cincinnati USA Regional Chamber today announced its opposition to efforts to repeal Senate Bill 5 after its board officially voted to support SB5. Ellen van der Horst, president and CEO of the Cincinnati USA Regional Chamber, said that despite the majority of Ohioans disagreeing with the legislation, SB5 is an awesome step in addressing the current fiscal crisis that in no way was caused by unregulated free markets, short-sighted legislators and business interests such as the Chamber of Commerce.

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