WEDNESDAY JULY 20
Some people believe that privatization is really great, an efficient means of shrinking the government so society can be more free from the fascists we only get a chance to vote out of office every two-to-four years. The Enquirer today reported one example of why handing over public utilities to a private company
FOR FUCKING EVER
might sometimes be a bad idea, as Duke Energy has recently agreed to pay Cincinnati Public Schools $150,000 to settle a 2010 lawsuit alleging that Duke overcharged the district for years. Although the settlement exonerates Duke of the allegations, it also forbids either party from discussing the case and specifically stipulates that “CPS and Duke Energy shall only speak of the matter when spoken to by God.”
THURSDAY JULY 21
There are plenty of times in sports where an individual or team “plays for the tie” — maybe a hockey team can clinch the division with one point or you’re on a soccer team and you don’t care that people watching you play are really bored. Progressives across Ohio have taken one step closer to tying up the score with Gov. John Kasich, as the state’s elections chief today said opponents of SB5 have collected enough valid signatures to put the issue on the November ballot. Kasich plans to retake the lead in the contest by populating a new website with images of union workers sitting down and smoking cigarettes to prove that union workers are lazy and waste their wages on stupid things like cigarettes.
FRIDAY JULY 22
In other news of the ways conservatives like to waste taxpayer money on court costs, a Hamilton County court today ruled that Mayor Mark Mallory can continue collecting a $500 monthly car allowance just like the many mayors before him who no one confronted about it. The issue was raised by the Coalition Opposed to Additional Spending and Taxes, which used a literal interpretation of the City Charter to argue that the mayor’s compensation is limited to his salary only. In ruling that the mayor of Cincinnati is indeed allowed to collect a car allowance, in addition to health insurance benefits and other newfangled modern concepts not specifically mentioned by the super-old document in question, the judge noted that the $6,000 yearly allowance is less than the taxpayer cost of owning and maintaining a vehicle for the mayor and that any leftover funds may be used to purchase a GPS system even though those were never mentioned in the charter either.
SATURDAY JULY 23
Barack Obama and John Boehner walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind in here … just kidding — what do you assholes want?” This stupid joke is a lot funnier than what actually happened when Obama and Boehner walked into a meeting room in an attempt to avoid a government default, only to walk back out and blame each other for walking away. Boehner today described the situation as Obama “moving the goal posts” and vowed that if the president doesn’t come correct in their next meeting the situation is going to be like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football and Lucy moving it so he falls on his ass. When asked if he was the bald child or the mean girl in the metaphor, Boehner called the question ridiculous and then cried a little.
SUNDAY JULY 24
It’s difficult to pinpoint why local reality TV show Queen City premiered today to less-than-stellar ratings: Lack of promotion? Disinterest in the everyday trials of rich people? The fact that the Reds were on national TV beating the Braves in the bottom of the ninth (Whoot! Whoot! Whoot!)? Nevertheless, The Enquirer’s TV blog today described the premiere as a “bomb” due to its failure to attract an audience as big as those of the three local newscasts or a rerun of House on Channel 64. Viewership reportedly dropped 77 percent after Fox 19’s Ten O’clock News, though there is no way to determine how many of the people who kept watching the station had actually just fallen asleep and left the TV on.
MONDAY JULY 25
Sometimes the weight of the world literally feels like it is on your shoulders, smashing your torso into your legs and hurting your knees really bad (ends up damaging the lower back the most, but you can’t tell at first). But for every day filled with news reports of worldwide poverty, corporate corruption and people who claim to fight for freedom by limiting what other people can do, there’s an account of something getting done that’s actually good, like today’s news that an I-75 widening project is nearly complete. The $98 million project between West Chester Township and Middletown reportedly added a lane in each direction on Cincinnati-Dayton Road, rehabbed existing lanes on I-75 and constructed a better loopy interchange in Monroe for people to get into an outlet mall more efficiently. The state has other projects on the books to improve I-75, each of which, in its own taxpayer-funded way, is going to be sweet.
TUESDAY JULY 26
Cincinnati was named one of America’s 2011 “Value Cities” by Kiplinger’s Personal Finance, a magazine dedicated to saving rich people money on “savings and investments, taxes, money management, home ownership and other personal finance topics.” The honor comes on the heels of the city early this year being named to a list of the “Loveliest Places to Raise Your Family in Segregated Neighborhoods” by Conservative Quarterly Magazine and the “Top 10 Places to Not Be Gay” by homodontgothere.com.
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