July 7-13: Worst Week Ever!

News is out that the new Touchdown Jesus on I-75, which builders say will definitely be non-flammable this time, will depict the savior standing on water and holding his arms in a position less familiar to people who worship professional athletes more th

There are a lot of things that Ohioans know they should be sorry for — we're kind of the ones who elected George W. Bush a second time and pretty much the reason LeBron James moved to Florida (we made the Cavs lose to the Celtics in the NBA playoffs). The Ohio Historical Society today voted to officially recommend a replacement for another embarrassment in our state's history: a statue in D.C. of a former state governor and congressman who supported slave owners and portrayed blacks as savages. (Uncool, William Allen!)

The suggested replacement is inventor Thomas Edison, who was born in northern Ohio and invented many things. The final decision for the statue will be made by state lawmakers, who say they won't consider the Historical Society's request to include electrocuted elephants in the display because that was only a marketing scheme and not an actual invention.

Those of us who have recently been set straight by people with such seemingly boring hobbies as quilting (big ups, Susan Glas!) are now hesitant to laugh at any convention making its way to the Queen City no matter how unfamiliar to us (or our post-Baby Boomer parents). But today's update on Cincinnati landing the 2012 World Choir Games brought more than a sarcastic laugh (Whoot! Whoot! … Whoot?), as the estimated economic impact of the event will amount to $73.5 million. The event, which will draw 20,000 participants and as many as 200,000 spectators, is the largest convention ever booked in the region, though the city still has a bid out for the 2013 Model Train Convention and Christmas Display Expo.

It's well documented that we at WWE! are afraid of certain things: Swimming in the ocean? No thanks. Messing with North Korea? Maybe another time. National news today reminded even the most dedicated ocean- and North Korean-avoider to realize that you can't be too safe, as the AP reported a Cold War-style trading of spies between the U.S. and Russia. In exchange for four U.S. spies who had been imprisoned in Moscow, the U.S. traded 10 Russian spies whose decision to secretly live in suburban parts of America reportedly gained their country little intelligence other than the idea to use Brita water filters to make generic vodka taste like the good stuff.

Let's face it: Giant Jesus statues are funny. Also quite funny is when a giant Jesus statue gets struck by lightning, goes up in flames and leaves behind only a skeleton that looks like a preying mantis. The Enquirer today reported the latest in the increasingly hilarious story of Touchdown Jesus: The new statue, which builders say will definitely be non-flammable this time, will depict the savior standing on water and holding his arms in a position less familiar to people who worship professional athletes more than any god. Pastors say they researched all major sports signals before settling on a design, which was crucial to avoiding any resemblance to the NFL's illegal touching penalty.

It's one thing to open your daily newspaper to front-page stories about poor people getting arrested — a successful publication has to be consistent. But today's Enquirer double-bill of “Advocates paint a rosy scenario for streetcars” and “Tiara tower full of pride, promise” made even the most average media enthusiast think something along the lines of, “This editorial insinuation that streetcars are bad for the city but a private company's regal-styled office building should be a source of pride is a buncha bullshit.” The streetcar story went on to provide an adequate account of future funding and development plans, though the Queen City Square story could have done a better job of putting into context its pictures of attractive women wearing crowns and giving thumbs up.

If you're an adult, it's not surprising that you're still reading this article — to this point it's been informative, playful and respected your intelligence, all things that self-import, responsible liberal adults appreciate. According to USA Today, if your teenage kid were the one reading it, he or she would probably have stopped right after the LeBron James part, as new research suggests that excessive computer and TV time is causing attention problems in children and young adults.

Researcher Edward Swing, a graduate student at Iowa State University presumably already more successful than 90 percent of WWE!'s regular readers, found that kids who watched TV or played video games more than two hours a day were twice as likely to have attention problems. Swing said he hopes to conclude the study before November because he can't get any of his classmates to help him do research during sweeps week.

If your community offers such culturally significant celebrations as KiteFest, DogFest and an annual beer festival in a barn, then you know you've chosen a pretty sweet place to live. Add a few corporate employers, a town square and a convenient four-lane Main Street with a TGI Friday's restaurant and you're probably never leaving. Such are the reasons for West Chester Township's recent naming by Money magazine as one of America's 100 best places to live. The Butler County community of 60,000 ranked No. 32 on the list, published in the magazine's August issue, which was its best quality of life ranking since placing 45th in the Spring 1980 issue of Fertile Farmland Quarterly.

SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY: [email protected]
Scroll to read more Opinion articles

Join CityBeat Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.