June 15-21: Worst Week Ever!

Angry Vancouver residents took to the streets today after their beloved Canucks lost Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals to the Boston Bruins, doing their best to re-create scenes from the last stages of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Coverage of the riot b


Angry Vancouver residents took to the streets today after their beloved Canucks lost Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals to the Boston Bruins, doing their best to re-create scenes from the last stages of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Coverage of the riot began once the American media’s disbelief of the normally docile Canadians’ ability to riot subsided, and was followed by the filing of video that surprisingly showed that those participating were not wearing flannel shirts. Meanwhile, millions in New Englanders realized they had to begin acting like they’ve been Bruins fans their whole lives, much like when the Patriots won their first Super Bowl.


Apparently the “lamestream media,” who can’t resist the urge to point out how shockingly stupid Sarah Palin is, will find themselves in the sulphur-scented pit of eternal suffering commonly known as “hell” soon enough. Among the 24,000 pages of her recently released emails is one whose signature line is signed by “The Creator” and “Your Heavenly Father.” Even the most ardent of atheists are said to be deeply troubled to find out that Sarah Palin is god, yet they remain optimistic that she will quit that position midterm much like she did when governing Alaska. Palin declined to comment on this stunning revelation, telling all those who asked that she is too busy trying to figure out how to intertwine a story about The Liberty Bell and Dr. J before an upcoming appearance in Philadelphia.


Much to the relief of everyone who plans to fly on a plane soon, the “Delta trims seats from CVG by 10 percent” headline in today’s Enquirer isn’t as bad as it seems. While it will never make sense how our local airport makes such a big deal out of being a “Delta hub” whilst listing fares that cost more than an evening with a lady of the night from a classy and reputable escort service, passengers can sleep easier knowing that the trimming that will take place refers to the number of seats that will be available out of CVG, not the size of them. Delta’s Research and Development Department spent many hours trying to calculate exactly how many more cubic inches of the clammy flesh of morbidly obese fliers could possibly overflow and jiggle around against the horrified arms of others if seat sizes were reduced, but backed away from further investigation after realizing the seatbelt extenders those folks need could spark a fire from rubbing against the armrests if smaller seats were installed.


House Speaker John Boehner today put down the trifold reflector tanning device like the one Paulie often used in The Sopranos in favor of hitting the links with President Barack Obama. Vice President Joe Biden and our governor who thinks educators get paid too much and offer society nothing, John Kasich, rounded out the foursome. Members of the press were allowed to watch them play the first hole, a par five that Boehner reportedly “gave a hearty ‘Oh yeah’ after draining a short putt.” No explanation was offered as to why Boehner was so excited about hitting a short putt when he golfs every goddamn day, or if the foursome played “Skins” with cartons of Boehner’s cigarettes and a multitude of Obama’s forged birth certificates as the prizes.


Joyous celebrations of the beauty that is the father-child relationship took place around the world today, unless your dad is dead or in jail again. Father’s Day provides millions of humans (conceived accidentally or not) lucky enough to still have dads above ground with an opportunity to thank their fathers for all the years of coming to their Little League games and yelling from the bleachers to “get the fucking bat off your shoulder,” blaming them for his and your mom’s divorce and the countless other acts of selfless love they have enriched our lives with.


Desperate corporate suck-ups from around the Tristate area recently participated in a survey that helped The Enquirer determine what companies are the best to work for in the region. Employees from these awesome places to waste your vitality away while barely making enough to get by and despising the presence of your coworkers pretended to be happy and gathered for a group photograph. Those who took the time to be part of the photograph reportedly did so after rumor circulated that their appearances would entitle each individual to one orange, rectangular “Get Out of Drug Test Free” card to be issued from the companies’ respective human resources departments.


The University of Cincinnati will name its College of Business after Carl Lindner Jr., a man whose business acumen is well renowned in the Queen City, where he ran the Reds, Chiquita and United Dairy Farmers. In honor of Lindner’s unfathomable wealth, the university is said to be creating a class in which students will learn how accusations of international cocaine smuggling and other nefarious business plots can be leveraged so skillfully that the local newspaper will have to agree to never write anything bad about you ever again or risk being eaten alive by a cadre of the most expensive lawyers this side of the Rio Grande.

WHERE’S MY MONEY?: [email protected]

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