WEDNESDAY JUNE 29
It’s refreshing to hear Cincinnati City Councilpersons discuss forward-thinking concepts — remember when they figured out a way to get the garbage picked up for free so no one had to pay for it? Buncha geniuses. The eight members of council who actually made it to today’s meeting (Cecil Thomas had something else to do) offered another such provocative concept: allowing taxis to drive around the city picking people up. The 8-0 vote officially changed the code governing public vehicles, which apparently previously did not allow taxis to drive around looking for people who needed rides, and will allow cabbies other perks such as parking at meters for 15 minutes in order to take a bathroom break. Councilman Wendell Young called the change a “no-brainer” and noted that for a fee the cab drivers will take people wherever they want to go.
THURSDAY JUNE 30
There are plenty of reasons to question the credibility of Bristol Palin on account of who her mom is and the whole “he stole my virginity” thing and the fact that her family acts like the people on
19 Kids and Counting. The mayor of Middletown, Ohio, recently spoke out against the accidentally proud young mother for inaccuracies in her new book, Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far, specifically the name of his city which she incorrectly identified as “Middleton.” In addition to the spelling and copy editing errors, Mayor Larry Mulligan also reportedly took exception to Palin’s complaint that her hotel had cockroaches, which Mulligan noted are called “whistling friend bugs” in Middletown.
FRIDAY JULY 1
There’s nothing sports fans love more than a huge super-slam dunk or a giant human crunching another athlete before our eyes (OK, Reds, baseball is cool too — hit a homer!). The AP today reported that basketball fans have joined NFL fans in a joyless, sport-free world, as the NBA today locked out its players after the league’s collective bargaining agreement expired. It is only the second time that two professional leagues have been stopped at the same time due to labor issues, the most recent of which occurred in 1994 when the National Hockey League and Major League Baseball each canceled seasons because the owners believed the goddam players’ unions were trying to steal all their wealth.
SATURDAY JULY 2
There are plenty of reasons to pop into a fast-food restaurant — maybe you’re in a hurry or recently smoked weed and assume it’s better to munch on some fries than try to figure out what your friends’ auto-corrected text messages mean (“Dude do u still want to ear with us?” “Uh, naw man I’ma stay in.”). According to USA Today, fast-food chains have added another compelling reason to drive through for a 99-cent half-soy burger with grease fries: the availability of beer and wine. Sonic and Burger King are two franchises that have already begun offering booze at selected locations, which they hope will help them compete with casual dining restaurants by impairing guests’ judgment enough that they purchase one of the frozen desserts.
SUNDAY JULY 3
Just when you think that allowing taxi cabs to drive around the city picking people up is going to thrust Cincinnati into the 21st century, a report surfaces suggesting that the city might soon embrace another really modern idea: battery-powered streetcars. The Enquirer today reported that despite the fact that multiple successful streetcar models are already in existence and that the entire concept is making everyone in town look like a dick, Mayor Mallory and City Manager Milton Dohoney last year visited a demonstration of such space-age examples of mass transit. Cincinnati could be the first American city to utilize the technology, although the plan is not without political risks should COAST’s prediction of a dead battery/mass tourist robbery occur during the first few months.
MONDAY JULY 4
It’s the Fourth of July — do you know what happened to all the freedoms that Barack Obama took away from you? Probably not, but The Enquirer today sent out one of its non-furloughed reporters (what’s time-and-a-half of zero?) to remind everyone of the vast freedoms still intact, via a rundown of parades and celebrations across town. According to the report, parents with children and dogs watched a parade in Liberty Township, more than 6,000 people watched a military-themed parade in Fort Mitchell and the Northside parade offered a scene so interesting that it could only be described via cliché (“melting pot of diversity”). The story failed to note how many dumbasses lit firecrackers late into the night, scaring the shit out of everybody.
TUESDAY JULY 5
Sports fans might not know whether there will be an NFL season, but come November a local group hopes there will exist a ballot initiative that would make up for the stadium budget shortfalls by taxing tickets to the events that take place inside the under-funded stadiums. Hamilton County Commissioner Todd Portune today announced that the Citizens’ League Against Subsidized Sports has launched a petition drive to allow voters to choose whether the cost of the stadiums being operated by private companies should be paid for by all taxpayers or just the people who use them. The taxes would only be applied to Reds and Bengals games and would vary year to year based on how good or bad the teams make local residents feel about themselves.
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