Living Out Loud: : Cubicles and Co-Workers

Welcome to my white collar zoo

Aug 29, 2007 at 2:06 pm

If you're employed as an office worker, I'm sure you have experienced the pleasures of working with many different personalities. I've spent nearly 10 years of my life stuck in a cubicle. As with anything else in life, it has its good days as well as its bad days, but I can't complain. After all, I'm provided with excellent health and dental insurance. If nothing else, I still own my own teeth, and that's definitely a good thing.

Let me be your tour guide and show you my paradise away from home.

The first order of business is to show you my cubicle. This little box is my prison cell away from home. According to various Web sites, Paris Hilton's jail cell measured 12 feet x 15 feet. I am so jealous.

Ms. Hilton's jail cell was bigger than my cubicle and was even equipped with a commode. I think her cell might even be bigger than my house but I digress. Anyway, let's get back to the tour.

I want to introduce you to my co-workers. Of course, the names are fictional to protect the guilty, and any resemblances to reality are most likely probable.

Brutus Backstabber: Watch out for Brutus. The minute your back is turned, you might end up with a knife in it. Don't tell Brutus anything job-related that could get you terminated. Brutus is the guy who will stab you to get that promotion.

Sally Gossip: Sally should be avoided. Don't tell her anything that you don't want to see in the National Enquirer. Sally loves to inquire about everyone's personal business and will share it with anyone who will listen. Sally would have made a great hairstylist; she could get paid to talk about people behind their backs. But on a positive note, she's the person to visit if you need information.

Fred Guru: Fred is an expert on staying in shape and being on diets. He's always trying out a new diet and offers unsolicited advice on eating habits. The only problem with Fred is that he is 5'2" and weighs 280 pounds.

Carol Vendor: Carol is a nice lady and a good co-worker. She's always at the vending machine and asking me to break a $20 bill. Carol, why don't you bring enough change so that you don't have to irritate me to death every time you need a soda or a donut?

Frank Klepto: Frank constantly "borrows" office supplies. Really, the only time I despise him is when my pen runs out of ink. If he would just stop "borrowing" all of our office supplies, I would actually be able to find a pen when I need one. I guess I can't complain, though. After all, Frank is my friend and I can always borrow a pen from him.

Randy Hypochondriac: Randy really gets under my skin. I will never ask Randy how he is doing. If I do, he will actually tell me. If it's not his aching back or hemorrhoids, it's that nagging pain in his leg. Randy, you are a pain in my ass; when I ask you how you're doing, just say, "Fine," and move on.

Betty Photoshow: Betty is a dedicated worker and I respect her. The only thing I ask is that you stop bringing in your vacation photos. I really don't care about your trip to Hawaii, and I don't want to see photos of you and Bert sipping drinks. When I see Betty carrying photos, I immediately head for the nearest open window.

John Braggart: John loves to brag about all of the things that he owns. He has a Blackberry and all of the latest technology. He's one of the best employees. If you don't believe him, just ask him. I try to avoid him because he tries to make me feel inferior.

Paul Moocher: You will never see Paul doing any real work. As a matter of fact, I don't even know if he is an actual employee. The only time I ever see him is when we're having a luncheon or when someone brings in a box of donuts.

So there. That's the tour and the people I work with. For the most part, they're decent people. I just don't want to know about the train wreck that they call their personal lives. If you're reading this, please don't assume that everyone wants to know about your marital woes, love life or your trick knee. I know we live in a technological society where everyone knows your business, but that doesn't mean that I need to know it.