Living Out Loud: : Fixing the Problems

An immodest proposal for Cincinnati

I have several ideas that would solve the downtown problems in Cincinnati.

The first thing is to become an independent country called Cincinnatus. We'll make Jerry Springer the king.

Cincinnatus doesn't wish war, but we'll declare war on Kentucky anyway — a simple bombing campaign with no Cincinnati casualties. By declaring war on Kentucky, we'll prove we're an independent country and deserve support from everybody. Of course, we'll have a good reason for the war: it's to the South of us.

This war can be waged by American troops from outside Cincinnatus. The Americans will bomb Kentucky "back to the Stone Age.' All the dead and wounded will be Americans, not Cincinnatians, so we have nothing to worry about. The remaining troops can be used as police in Over-the-Rhine.

The troops will shoot to kill, not to wound. In that way, we'll feel no change from the old Cincinnati Police.

We'll expect much aid from the American government so we'll all be rich, particularly King Springer and other members of the imperial court. We'll also join the European Union and expect aid from them also. The king and others will accept bribes from European countries. Thus, the budget problem will be solved through foreign aid.

Internally, the country will pursue unregulated capitalism. Taxes will be reduced to practically nothing and businesses will move here voluntarily. Since California is reputed to have lost 50,000 millionaires under Grey Davis, 5,000 or so should move to Cincinnatus. The country will be known for its freedom and low taxes. The city will stop subsidizing big corporations with tax breaks and dollars. As you know, the city government does nothing now except collect taxes and will do even less in the future.

The city will encourage casinos and quasi-legal companies, particularly pornographic films. They will move to Cincinnatus because of its low taxes. We expect the population to gamble freely, but attendance at shopping malls will be required of all citizens. Prostitution will become commonplace. Therefore, the city will attract businesses, particularly service businesses. This move should solve the employment problem.

The city will have no retirement except for wealthy people. Poor people will be turned down by hospitals and will probably die. We don't plan to have any pensions, but companies may make voluntary 401K contribution for their employees. With low taxes and limited health care, many companies will move to Cincinnatus, creating jobs for the remaining people, the elite class.

King Springer will also give the population free weapons and drugs. This armed and high populace will fire at will, thus solving the drug and gun problems.

The city will solve the energy problem by having oil wells everywhere. We'll have drilling rigs in Hyde Park Square and offshore rigs on the Ohio River. We also will dam up the Ohio River to create a huge dam that will generate electricity for Cincinnatus only. To do this, we'll borrow money from the World Bank. None of our own money will be used.

The city of Cincinnatus itself is not very competitive in today's world. We are a city with a poor educational system. The king will change all this.

King Springer will abolish the school board, as it's composed of political hacks who know nothing about education. The board will force conversion to voucher schools, thus abolishing public education. Teachers will flock to non-union voucher schools for lower pay. This will all be done without an additional tax levy. Maintenance will be performed as a matter of course.

So, we have an independent country, which is energy independent, has low taxes and restricted health care. We have no real school board and we're rich through foreign aid. We have solved the school problem, as well as the city budget problem.

Dick Cheney will probably move here and pray for the city at the Crossroads Church, a prospering new church of unknown religious affiliation.

If this immodest proposal is accepted, all the problems of Cincinnati will be solved. If it's not accepted, you alone are responsible.

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