Living Out Loud: : Me and my E-mail Friends

That special Internet connection

Feb 1, 2006 at 2:06 pm

The holidays are finally over, and I've started catching up on answering all my e-mails. I feel bad about falling behind, because I really do try and answer every piece of mail that comes in on my computer. My e-mail friends mean a lot to me, and I want them to know it.

I think I'll do some of my answering back here in the column this week. Maybe this way, more of my e-mail buddies can be introduced to one another and whole other friendships can grow and develop. You all can thank me later.

B. Power: Thanks for advising me of a new performance technology that will zap my mind with powerful commands, helping me to achieve almost everything I desire. Based on what I've read, it's easier than affirmations, more powerful than hypnosis and faster than meditation. And, yeah, B., I sure do want to save that 30 percent, so I'll "act now" very soon.

Cornelius, you have sent several e-mails telling me my low-interest mortgage rate has been approved.

That's great, but I thought you knew me better. I'm certain I e-mailed you once saying I don't own a home. I live in the old Roanoke in Clifton, remember? Maybe we're not as close as I thought.

What's up with you, Cordy? You say, based on my past life experiences, I might be qualified for a university degree. No disrespect, but you didn't even spell my name right; and while you've already given me a client identification number; you didn't state the name of your college. I just don't think this is for me. Sorry.

I appreciate the thought, Cairistiona, but I like the timepiece I'm wearing. I'm not going to buy a replica of a Rolex watch. Please send an e-mail to Greg Flannery here at CityBeat and see if he's interested.

Makanamaika, I appreciate your telling me I'm a special friend, but your knowing me "accurately enough" to comprehend that I'm obsessed with low price merchandise leaves me feeling a little cheap and a bit offended.

Oh, hello, Carol. You didn't give me your last name, but I know who you are. I'm not stupid. You say I can make $774.55 a day by simply returning phone calls from home. Now you know I hate returning phone calls here in the office, so why would you think I'd want to do it at home? I don't appreciate your sick little joke and I'm glad we're no longer dating. Get a life.

Thank you, Leslie, for telling me about a product advertised on Oprah that turns back aging while burning fat without dieting or exercise. Is this why Oprah is looking so good lately? Can you introduce me to her?

Thanks, Estella, for calling me your 'number one amigo' and for wanting me to take advantage of some great price tags. Question: Did we date in high school? Do you have a mole on the right side of your neck?

Wow, Dwayne! I had no idea I could make all that money simply from working at home stuffing envelopes. Yes, I agree with you ­ it probably is a way to get rich quick and I certainly do want to learn more. I'll give you my credit card number very soon.

To my so-called friend Ferguson: I'm not interested in purchasing generic Viagra tablets from you, and pay no attention to Carol's lies. You're only hearing one side of the story.

Thanks for the e-mail, Gabriella, but when I opened it, it was really from my friend John, who said "Where you been, pal? I haven't heard from you in years." I'm sorry I've been so out of touch, John, and I'm also sorry to say that the virus protection on my computer wouldn't let me open up your attachment. Please resend it.

Sharanee, my name's not Jesse but thanks for being nice enough to link me up to several porn sites. This isn't my bag, but it's the thought that counts.

Carolyn, I know you mean well when you say you want me to enhance my anatomy by purchasing a blend of natural supplements proven to increase and improve circulation to the groin. You state during arousal I'll experience harder and stronger erections. But all this really tells me is you've been e-mailing Ferguson, who's been e-mailing Carol, and the three of you have been discussing my so called "problem." Enough. If this keeps up, I'll have no choice but to treat your e-mails as "junk mail" and you'll never hear from me again. I don't think you really want that, do you?

Face it, e-mail friends, you all need me.

Larry Gross' book "Signed, Sealed and Delivered: Stories" is in or can be ordered from bookstores everywhere or at