"I can't figure it out," a friend said to me the other afternoon. "Sometimes it feels serious, other times I think we're winding down." She was referencing her current relationship. The guy she's dating. Been dating. For five months. Which is why her comments completely baffled me. In an effort to clarify, I asked her three questions. Was it really possible — after so much time — that she honestly didn't know how things stood? Really, really possible? Really, really, really possible?
She answered, "Yes" to all three questions.
This got me to thinking: As someone who's had a number of serious relationships ("serious" being defined as, "eventually having to get lawyers involved"), I'm well acquainted with the subtleties of love. Perhaps I could be of some assistance to my friend. And to others like her. So, through insights gained by my own experience and in the hope that it will help uncertain lovers to evaluate the true depth of their relationships, I put together the following quiz.
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Our relationship would be absolutely perfect if we could be with each other:
a. every day.
b. every week.
c. every February 29th.
We share a lot of the same interests, like:
a. ummm ...
b. uhhh ...
c. hmmm ...
d. er ... let's see ... um, don't tell me ... uh ... well, um,
we did that, uh, thing, um, last summer, I think ...
Rank the following intimate activities as indicators of a serious relationship, starting with the most significant:
a. Showing each other your drivers license photos.
b. Having sober sex.
c. Choosing a vacation destination regardless of its
d. Farting freely in a closed car.
When celebrating a special occasion, like an anniversary or birthday, and we go out to a quiet, romantic dinner, my lover always:
a. "forgets" to bring any cash or a credit card.
b. makes sure we get service by wearing shoes and shirt.
c. demands to see the talking Chihuahua.
I'm more inclined to:
a. Comfort my sweetheart with a lie.
b. Flog my sweetheart with the truth.
In an argument, I'm always the first to:
a. apologize insincerely so we can just fucking get on
with our fucking lives, alright?
b. recount the tragic ending of Old Yeller in an attempt
to radically alter the mood, then move in for the kill
on my emotionally weakened adversary.
c. rail against the five-day waiting period restricting
my 2nd Amendment rights.
Until I met my lover I thought I'd go my whole life without:
a. achieving a convincing fake orgasm.
b. achieving a convincing fake identity.
c. becoming gay.
True or false: In order for any relationship to grow and flower, one partner must accept the role of fertilizer.
Looking into my lover's eyes, I see:
a. eye boogers.
b. lucid gems of molten passion which immerse me in the heat
of a million suns, inciting each of my very cells to vibrate with
a sensation of half pain, half pleasure as I ride the glass-scaled
spine of the vermilion dragon toward the tiger-stalked forests
of Valhalla where ohmygod, baby, where the freakin' hell did
you score this weed ...?
c. hair. (If you chose c., you're behind your lover. Circle
around to the front and look again.)
We've talked about children and agree that:
a. they're small.
b. they can't handle their liquor.
c. Aaron Spelling shouldn't have had any.
I often fantasize about my lover in:
a. a tight, brief bathing suit.
b. a Jenny Craig program.
c. harm's way.
Agree or disagree: A partner consumed by desire is likely to be regurgitated.
a. we both believe that the major party candidates are an
insult to voters and an embarrassment to the democratic
b. all of the above.
If my lover were to suddenly leave me, I would:
a. almost certainly notice.
b. dig out the ol' "roofies" prescription.
c. not tell my spouse.
Scoring: Count up all your answers. Divide by the number of wives Larry King has had, then multiply by the number of stitches it took to reattach John Bobbitt's penis. Show the number to your lover. If s/he glances at it then tells you your answer is wrong, you're definitely in a serious relationship.