WEDNESDAY MARCH 7
For some people, it is unfathomable that Rep. Jean Schmidt could be defeated in an election. As such, the results of a recent party primary, which ousted Schmidt from the seat she’s held since 2005, were apparently very difficult to make sense of. The Enquirer suggested that “it was a combination of things, but the Obama kiss sure didn’t help.” Dislike for Tea Party members and a messy House Ethics Committee investigation for accepting $500,000 in legal representation for free that she probably shouldn’t have are mentioned (along with kissing the terrorist president) as factors which contributed to her demise. Surprisingly, the fact that Schmidt looks like she’s eager to tear into human flesh when she smiles was mysteriously not included in the list of stuff that made her lose.
THURSDAY MARCH 8
Getting people to not do stuff that they like is difficult. A perfect example of this is the quagmire Kentucky finds itself in after its legislators refused to impose a statewide ban on smoking in public places because it didn’t include a proposal to conduct random drug testing on welfare recipients. Nowadays if you want to get stoned to the bone while collecting public assistance, or smoke a cig out in public afterwards, Uncle Sam is going to put his American flag-colored boot down. In the aftermath of the brakes being put on the legislative process, the bill’s sponsor, Republican State Rep. Lonnie Napier, conceded that if politicians can’t even show up to put these ideas into action that “it’d be less of a headache to let people smoke weed and generic cigarettes whenever they damn well please.”
FRIDAY MARCH 9
Local good person Shannon DeBra two and a half years ago helped start a dog rescue program called Recycled Doggies. The organization’s efforts have resulted in more than 700 dogs being rescued from shelters where they likely would have been euthanized. Her excellent work was publicized in an interview with The Enquirer today. Although the Q&A provided lots of information about her organization, many local pet owners were left wondering if Recycled Doggies could train their dogs to “produce less post consumer waste.”
SATURDAY MARCH 10
Bloomberg News reports that the income gap between rich and poor in America is widest in Republican-leaning states. Using data from a recently released census report, the analysis found that a “large swath of counties ranging from the Deep South to the Appalachian Mountains” contains the most income inequality in the United States. The report also mentions that the gap was also very pronounced in large urban areas such as Manhattan. High ranking Republicans and Democrats surprisingly had no jabs to throw after reading the report, especially after finishing the part about how “no matter what political party Americans claim allegiance to, their desire to not live near poor people is what matters most to them.”
MONDAY MARCH 12
The Associated Press reports that the warm, mild winter we experienced might bring a pest-filled spring our way. Some folks might be getting a bit unsettled by the bizarre climate conditions they’ve noticed and feel like they would have rather seen a few snowstorms hit this last winter if it meant that the spring wasn’t going to be full of mosquitoes and other pests. Their apprehensions about the strange weather of late was lessened after reading the last part of the article, which describes how this summer is going to be so goddamned hot that bugs will vaporize in the air and that scorched, dead birds will fall from the sky.
TUESDAY MARCH 13
The Enquirer today published an opinion piece offering brilliant insight into the god-like creatures who dwell in the suburb of Wyoming, such as “in Wyoming, it seems, the homes are a little bit bigger, the students are a little bit smarter and now even the water tastes better.” In the piece, titled “There’s Something About Wyoming,” writer/essayist/upscale suburb appreciator John Faherty forgot to include how humble the proud folks of Wyoming are in his list of superlatives, but still did a great job of describing exactly how awesome it is to live there. Lots of attention is focused on how much volunteer work gets done in Wyoming, which suggests that people who live elsewhere are too lazy to help improve their communities. Flaherty declined to speculate on whether a correlation exists between the average household income of Wyoming residents being $96,739 and them having time to do volunteer work, though he noted that “it is funny how water tastes better when you’re rich.”
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]
