Marriage, Right?

Religious zealots are also protesting the DOMA review because they believe gay marriage and gay parents will ruin America’s children, despite the fact that there are plenty of straight people out there — murderers, cult leaders, narcissists — who probabl

Jun 26, 2013 at 8:28 am

The Westboro Baptist Church — everyone’s favorite congregation of soldier funeral-picketing, homophobic bigots with idiotic signs — currently holds the web address, “,” which makes sense, because they hate gay people. And they’ll show up at pretty much any tragedy or human rights debate to blame death, disease and destruction on the existence of homosexuals. Most recently, Westboro Baptist was in Washington, D.C., to protest the Supreme Court while judges debated the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA).

And while Westboro Baptist thinks God is sitting in the sky, smiting mankind and making tornadoes because of some girl-on-girl, other less-religious zealots are also protesting the DOMA review because they believe gay marriage and gay parents will ruin America’s children, despite the fact that there are plenty of straight people out there — murderers, cult leaders, narcissists — who probably shouldn’t have been allowed to commingle. (Honestly, if you had the choice to be the child of either Charles Manson or lesbians Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi, the ladies “De” would always win.) And to prove that straight people don’t always make the best parents or take the sanctity of marriage seriously, here’s a list of those who failed at one or both.   

A list of straight people who were pretty shitty parents/spouses:

Adolf Hitler: Ordered the death of approximately 11 million people. Maybe had an affair with his half-niece and ward who committed suicide in the apartment she shared with him. Later married his mistress Eva Braun on April 28, 1945. Both were dead by 3:30 p.m. April 30. Braun committed suicide via cyanide capsule and Hitler shot himself in the head. Hitler had the cyanide tested on his German Shepherd, Blondi, before Braun ingested it. The dog was killed by the poison and her puppies and Braun’s Scottish Terriers were then shot by Hitler’s dog handler.

Lana Turner: Discovered drinking a Coke in a malt shop on the corner of Sunset Boulevard in a rags-to-riches Hollywood tale, Turner starred in more than 50 films. Famous for her tight sweaters and good looks, Turner was also a renowned serial dater — and serial wife. She was married eight times to seven different men — actor/restaurateur Joseph Stephen Crane twice. She also had a tumultuous non-marital relationship with gangster Johnny Stompanato, which ended when Turner’s daughter stabbed him to death in what was deemed a “justifiable homicide.” 

Tan mom: Leather-faced New Jerseyan Patricia Krentcil gained fame in 2012 when she was arrested after claims surfaced that she brought her 6-year-old daughter into a tanning booth. She was charged with second-degree child endangerment but was found not guilty. Regardless, N.J. Gov. Chris Christie signed a law banning children under 17 from using commercial tanning beds. Krentcil is now Internet-famous for being orange, making crappy music videos and maybe porn. She entered rehab last week after she was found too drunk to fly out of a Minneapolis airport. 

Judy Buenoano: A special kind of black widow, Buenoano murdered her husband, son and boyfriend and was convicted of the attempted murder of her fiancé . In 1971, she poisoned her husband with arsenic. In 1978, she poisoned her boyfriend, again using arsenic. In 1980, her paraplegic son drowned in a canoe accident after the boat he was in with Buenoano rolled. A post-mortem exam revealed his paraplegia was caused by (surprise!) arsenic poisoning. In 1983, her fiancé John Gentry learned Buenoano had been telling her friends that Gentry was terminally ill; he wasn’t. Gentry handed some “vitamins” Buenoano had been given him over to the police. Turns out they were loaded with … ARSENIC! She was executed by electric chair.

Jim Jones: The cult leader of the Peoples Temple, best known for the whole mass-suicide Jonestown Massacre incident, convinced 914 people (276 of them children) to drink cyanide-laced, grape-flavored Flavor Aid on Nov. 18, 1978.

Among the deceased were Jones, Jones’ wife Marceline and several of their adopted children, who he referred to as his “rainbow family” (because they were all of various ethnic ancestry). The same day, Jones’ followers also murdered congressman Leo Ryan and his entourage as they attempted to flee Jonestown after investigating claims of human rights abuses.

Britney Spears: After an annulled 55-hour Las Vegas marriage to a friend, Spears entered a she-stole-my-baby-daddy marriage to dancer Kevin Federline, which resulted in two children, a divorce and shared custody. In 2006, Spears drove with her son Sean on her lap instead of a car seat. And in 2008, after a bit of a breakdown (shaved head), she refused to relinquish custody of her kids to Federline. Her parental rights were suspended and she was committed to involuntary psychiatric hold at the UCLA Medical Center, but released five days later. Child protective services have also been called on her several times in the past. She seems better now though, right?

Jerry Lee Lewis: This eccentric Rock pianist was married seven times. His first marriage, which ended in divorce, was to a 14-year-old girl. His third marriage was to his 13-year-old cousin, Myra Gale Brown, when he was 22. Brown stayed with him for 13 years despite repeated physical abuse. His fourth wife mysteriously drowned in a swimming pool before her divorce settlement came through. And his fifth wife, 25-year-old Shawn Stephens, died of a mysterious overdose in their home just 77 days after the wedding. 

CONTACT MAIJA ZUMMO: [email protected]