THURSDAY MAY 3
A 23-year old Fairfield man was arrested last week after being caught writing “Oink” on a police cruiser with a black marker. Parents hoping that the anti-authority phase will end for their teenagers before they’re old enough to vote or for people to think they’re weird for hating the police were unsettled by this case. The arresting officer also realized the Fairfield police department needed to make some policy changes because he wanted to charge the vandal with “unlawful and libelous use of onomatopoeia,” but there was no place it would fit on the arrest report.
FRIDAY MAY 4
In preparation for the 9-year anniversary of the Cinco De Stratford celebration which turned Clifton Heights from a place where lots of students lived peacefully in houses with scary basements into a riot zone featuring overturned cars set on fire and non-lethal munitions being fired, campus police today considered an independent review commission that determined why drinking tequila all day long and well into the night makes people act like animals. The official response was that the University of Cincinnati would be well-served to start offering more courses that explained the history of Cinco De Mayo and how turning your neighborhood into a flaming, apocalyptic mess has nothing to do with the holiday’s origin.
SATURDAY MAY 5
The 138th running of the Kentucky Derby took place today in Louisville, with an underdog triumphing: the 15-1 shot I’ll Have Another. The event, sometimes referred to as “The Run For The Roses” evokes deep senses of pageantry, Southern elegance, or maybe something from Game of Thrones. Perhaps the tradition surrounding this classic American sports event means different things to different people. Despite that, it’s generally agreed that “The Run For The Roses” sounds more pleasant than the participating horses’ concept of the Kentucky Derby, which might roll off the tongue like “run because some dude in a costume is riding you and repeatedly hitting you with a whip while thousands of daytime whiskey drunk people in comical fancy hats bet on it for their entertainment.”
SUNDAY MAY 6
Ikea is known for having cool, affordable furniture and way too many bratty ass kids crying and screaming in their stores. While many love their assortment of goods that make you appear slightly less poor when people visit, reaction to a report by a German newspaper that the home products company used Cuban prison labor in the late 1980s has been less positive. Ikea is usually seen as an ethical, environmentally responsible company, and Ikea spokespeople believe that the uproar over this revelation is excessive. In an attempt to calm critics, the company released a memo stating that any customer who has attempted to assemble the hundreds of nuts and bolts to construct one of their TV stands using an Allen wrench the size of a house key has suffered just the same as the incarcerated folks who used to work for the company.
MONDAY MAY 7
Scientists continue to research how humans can hate their bodies less, and it appears that a pair of researchers from Massachusetts Institute of Technology has made some significant strides toward that goal. In an attempt to better understand the effects of probiotics found in yogurt, and whether they have something to do with weight loss, the researchers fed one group of mice a normal mouse food and gave another group the same diet plus a mouse-sized serving of vanilla yogurt. Male mice that were given yogurt became slimmer and had shinier coats then those that did not, and the yogurt-eating mice also became more desirable to all the hot lady mice. Another interesting finding from this research was that, like the mice who were fed no yogurt, humans who sporadically worked out lightly for a few days here and there while still eating a bunch of shit food and getting drunk all the time did not become slimmer or sexier, either.
TUESDAY MAY 8
Sometimes people do virtuous, selfless things to help their fellow man. Gawker today reported that two New Jersey construction workers sustained serious burns after one man fell into a tank of nitric acid and the other dude jumped in to save him, both suffering severe burns. Workplace psychologists note that having the courage to jump into a tank of acid to save someone’s life is rare. It’s also been noted that imagining what you would do if one of your coworkers fell into a vat of acid and immediately thinking you would love to see how many more of your coworkers you could push into it before being caught is a far more common occurrence.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: