Morning News and Stuff

Aug 19, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Barack Obama yesterday morning in a written statement praising protestors’ “pursuit of a peaceful transition” called on Syrian President Bashar Assad to leave power. "The future of Syria must be determined by its people," the president said. "But President Bashar al-Assad is standing in their way. His calls for dialogue and reform have rung hollow while he is imprisoning, torturing, and slaughtering his own people. We have consistently said that President Assad must lead a democratic transition or get out of the way. He has not led. For the sake of the Syrian people, the time has come for President Assad to step aside."

A prominent jihadist Internet forum has called on radical Muslims to “cut the tongue” of David Letterman. The contributor, who called himself Umar al-Basrawi, claimed Letterman had insulted Osama bin Laden in a skit. "Is there not among you a Sayyid Nosair al-Mairi," Al-Basrawi wrote on the forum, referring to the man convicted of the 1990 killing of Meir Kahane, the founder of the Jewish Defense League. "To cut the tongue of this lowly Jew and shut it forever?"

Michele Bachmann yesterday said the American people are concerned about “the rise of the Soviet Union.” Whereas I believe most people are concerned about the rise of Michele Bachmann.

Since Congressman Ben Quayle took a good whipping from constituents during a town hall meeting back in May, he’s decided not to have anymore town hall meetings. Fair enough. But seeing as how it’s summer (see: warm weather) and congress is in recess, this is the time for lawmakers to get out and be berated by their constituents. Well, Quayle is turning being berated into a financially lucrative endeavor by charging 50 bucks a head for an “Eggs and Issues” breakfast in Scottsdale, Ariz., next week. *The event is being hosted at a local Denny’s during the $4 all-you-can-eat pancakes deal. **What a douche.

*We totally made that part up.

**But not that part.

The United States Defense Department is loosely considering reducing the pensions of military personnel. I can see my grandfather now: “What the heck are those goddamn turkey heads thinking?”

Since walking out during her interview with CNN’s Piers Morgan Wednesday, Christine O’Donnell has defended her tantrum with the claims that Morgan’s question about gay marriage was “borderline sexual harassment.” During the show, O’Donnell said to Morgan, “You’re borderline being a little bit rude.” To which Morgan replied, “I think I’m being rather charming and respectful.”

Anderson Cooper was unable to control himself while making quips about Gerard Depardieu peeing on an Air France plane. Cooper began his comedy routine during Anderson Cooper 360 with a few puns: Depardieu “created his own jet stream,” “I wonder if he flies Incontinental,” it was Depardieu’s “No. 1 role.”

But it was when he referred to the actor as “Depar-doo,” Cooper broke down, leaning to one side in his chair crying and laughing uncontrollably.

“Did you hear me say poop? Laugh. Now look into my eyes.”

Staff Sgt. Daryn J. Morgan has been AWOL since last week because he read on the Internet that President Barack Obama’s long form birth certificate is a fraud. "In identifying [Obama] as my enemy and proclaiming him to be the enemy of the entire country, I squarely place myself in the same situation as himself," Moran says in a video posted by a birther website. "The reason I no longer obey the Commander-in-Chief is not because he's Black, but because he has no credible proof that he is an American," Moran wrote in the comment section of Glenn Beck's The Blaze. "It's simple. Arrest B. Obama or arrest me."

A Paris airport is experimenting with “virtual’ boarding agents" in a bid to modernize its terminals when all they really needed to do was put in more motorized walkways.

Scientists now know what the fuck is going on with coffee rings

Also known as the crop circles of a CityBeat editor's desk.

This is Kimbo Slice: