Morning News and Stuff

Republican presidential candidate New Gingrich says his campaign is “alive and very well,” despite it looking more and more like his marriage everyday: a sham that no one thinks still has a pulse. "It’s going to take a while for the news media to realize that you’re covering something that happens once or twice in a century, a genuine grass-roots campaign of very big ideas," Newt told the Associated Press while campaigning in Iowa. “I expect it to take a while for it to sink in.”—-

An Iowa voter reportedly walked up to him recently and called him an “embarrassment to our party.” Conservative columnists George Will has said Gingrich is “not a serious candidate,” noting that Gingrich accused President Barack Obama of having a “Kenyan anti-colonial mentality.” Political columnist Charles Krauthammer has said “he’s done … it’s over,” after Gingrich apologized to Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan for describing the congressman’s Medicare plan as “right-wing social engineering.”

"Ronald Reagan’s opening week in the 1980 campaign was filled with bumps" said Gingrich. "It happens if you’re the candidate of ideas."

Barack Obama has taken different angle than Gingrich in his campaign for 2012. Instead of making excuses, he’s making T-shirts. For a minimum donation of $25 Obama’s official website is offering a T-shirt with Obama’s mug on the front that reads, “Made in the USA” and includes an image of his birth certificate on the back. Speaking of mugs, you can obtain a mug with the same design for a minimum donation of 15 American dollars.

On the eve of Judgment Day, enterprising atheists around the country have set up a business to care for the animal companions of any Christians selected to go to heaven when JC comes back. In 26 U.S. States, Eternal Earth-Bound Pets offers to take the burden of leaving pets behind off of Christian fundamentalist shoulders. "You've committed your life to Jesus. You know you're saved. But when the Rapture comes, what's to become of your loving pets who are left behind?" the site reads.

The post-doomsday pet rescue service already has 259 clients who have paid $135 for the first pet and $20 for each additional pet at the same address. When Judgment day happens, Eternal Earth-Bound Pets "will notify all of our rescuers to go into action and they will drive to the homes of anyone who's signed a contract with us, pick up their pets and take them home and adopt them as their own, keeping them happy and healthy for the rest of their lives.”

"This will happen only if and when the Rapture happens. So we do not expect to have to do anything on Saturday," co-founder Bart Centre told the press.

The Secret Service had only been on twitter for 10 days (why the fuck they need a Twitter account I have no idea) but they’re already leaking top-secret shit. On Wednesday, a Tweet went out on the official account that read: “Had to monitor Fox for a story. Can’t. Deal. With. The. Blathering.”

The Tweet was quickly deleted, but before it came down it was retweeted by more than 18,000 followers. Special Agent Edwin M. Donovan said in a statement, "the tweet contained no vulgarity, security or pertinent agency information." Donovan continued, "the tweet did not reflect the views of the U.S. Secret Service and it was immediately removed. We apologize for this mistake, and the user no longer has access to our official account."

Former International Monetary Fund chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn, accused of nakedly chasing a New York City hotel maid, has been released on bail this morning. Straus-Kahn spent nearly a week in police custody and then jail before a judge agreed to free him on $1 million cash bail plus an additional $5 million bond. Strauss-Kahn will be confined to a New York apartment where he will be kept under surveillance by an electric monitoring device and a an armed guard.

Charlie Sheen is reportedly “destroyed” after hearing the news that he’d be replaced by cougar-hunter Ashton Kutcher on Two and a Half Men. Sheen called Kutcher a “sweetheart” but a choice that would bring the show down, after Sheen was not invited back to reprise his role as himself living with his ambiguously gay brother and overweight nephew.

Sheen is not the man in this video.

Jane Krakowski is not in jail. But Emma Spevak, the serial killer of elderly women, is. She’s the one on the right.

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