New Fantasy Owners and the Pirates Who Love Them

Apr 20, 2009 at 1:25 pm

There's nothing like another fantasy loss acting like a set of hard knuckles across your face. Really wakes you up and shakes up your roster.—-

Upon inspection, I've found that the fantasy baseball schedule features 24 weeks, with only two playoff weeks. My boys deserve to be in the playoffs, and if they are one of the two out of 10 that doesn't make them, that means I'm an idiot. All the time I talk about baseball, and I can't even pilot a squad into the virtual playoffs.

I don't want that to happen any more than my players want it to happen. That was the general point of my talk with the boys after losing Week 2 and dropping to 0-2. We got everything out in the open, and mutually agreed to move forward together.

I would like to know if in any Fantasy sport (jai alai, whatever) has a player ever accrued as many negative points as Mr. Chien Ming Wang on Saturday? I've seen NFL QBs get intercepted five times and lost a fumble, which gets them negative points. I doubt that any player has ever cost his team owner so dearly in one week. I'll completely ignore and disregard the amount of points that he cost me in Week 1 and only focus on 2. He lost me 50 points by virtue of his two batting practice sessions, which were actually real MLB games.

-50 points. Toss in a blown save by Brad Lidge, and my team has -62 points out of two pitchers. I really doubt any player has ever had a worse Fantasy week than Wang's. Hear I was, thinking that a sinkerball pitcher with less stress because of the additions of A.J. Burnett and C.C. Sabathia would amass between 13 and 18 wins this year.  At this rate, Wang's wins will be coming from Scranton Wilkes-Barre.

There's no point in busting out the slide-rule probability chart on how likely I'd be to make the playoffs if I fall to 0-3. All one can be certain about in that situation is that it's not good. I'll probably fire myself and hire Steve Phillips to GM the rest of the year. Hopefully it doesn't come to that. I've made up with Mike Hampton, and will throw him out there in Week 3 because he is a two-start pitcher. I've had a lot of problems with Mike Hampton in the past, like when he was awesome for the Mets but then signed in Colorado because he thought the schools for his children would be better there. I'm past that. All I want is some quality innings and for every other seat in the outfield bleachers to be dented by baseballs like the Tribe did to the Yankees last week.

The tricky part is that I got mad at Fausto Carmona and set him adrift too. I'm not sure if it's because of his two scheduled starts this week or because I got so much enjoyment out of his JTM commercials, but Bronson Arroyo is on my team now. So tonight, it's Hampton vs. Arroyo. The way the Astros and Reds have been scoring so far this series, perhaps this will work in my favor.

I hope so. I've already lost to my sister-in-law and my younger brother. If I lose to my older brother and go 0-3, the degree of civility on the league message board is going to rapidly deteriorate. After all, it's just a friendly game!

Another two changes I went with this week were starting Orlando "O-Dog" Hudson over Jose Lopez at 2B. Lopez isn't doing too bad, but Hudson is going to play well as long as a certain baseball-bashing machine named Manny Ramirez hits behind him.

In a more bizarre (yet perfectly sensible) move, Jimmy Rollins is going to pour Gatorades for the other guys this week as Marco Scutaro moves into the starting lineup. I'm stuck in that fantasy paradox thing with Rollins where you know he'll get hot eventually, but he's been so cold that you are willing to have his first great week come while he sits the bench.

I think the way Scutaro is hitting the ball is one of the storylines of the young season no one saw coming. I remember when he was a Met it didn't look like he'd hit much at all. Who cares? Rollins will let me know when he's ready to start.  

Surprisingly, Zach Duke is available in a lot of leagues. He's shown flashes of brilliance and looked lost on the mound as well. I picked him up and started him this week too.

Enough about the "woe is my team" angle on this dispatch though. I prefer CBS Sports's fantasy site design a lot more than ESPN's. I feel the same way about preferring Yahoo! Fantasy over ESPN fantasy football. ESPN is way too busy. I like the simplicity of the layouts on Yahoo! and CBS.

My team is going to win this week. I have two more pitcher starts than my brother, and I don't think Josh Johnson and Adam Wainwright are going to remain lights out through the rest of April. If they do, it will unfortunately be my playoff aspirations that flicker and dim.