News: Love Gets a Formula

Rabbi spells it out for men and women

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Jymi Bolden

Relationships aren't so hard to figure out once you know what men and women want, says Aryeh Pamensky.

Women and men are obviously different, and their behavior toward relationships is no exception, according to Aryeh Pamensky.

"The one difference between men and women when it comes to relationships is women are relationship beings," he says. "Men are, well, not."

Pamensky is on a mission to eradicate divorce from North America. An ordained rabbi and marriage counselor for the past nine years, he provides relationship consulting and conducts marriage seminars called "Amazing Marriage" and "A Happy Wife Is a Happy Life." He has appeared on television's Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher.

Jewish Singles Together Around the River (JSTAR) sponsored Pamensky's Feb. 24 performance at Go Bananas Comedy Club.

Women are naturally affectionate, Pamensky told JSTAR. They possess the chemical and hormonal disposition for understanding relationships and have the emotional drive for identifying subtle gestures that reflect people's personalities.

Men possess candid intellect for relationships and usually overlook subtle gestures, according to Pamensky.

Men will never fully understand women because women are incredibly complicated, he said.

To a woman, every incident in a relationship reflects the health of that relationship, Pamensky said.

"When your wife persistently asks you to change a light bulb and you persistently forget, she will say, 'That light bulb represents everything that ever went wrong in the relationship' — from the time you forgot about dinner at her parents' house to the time you forgot her birthday," Pamensky said.

He proposed a simple task for maintaining a healthy relationship.

"Men, I have come to give you your job and free you from the shackles of relationships," Pamensky announced. "Your job is to make your woman happy. When? All the time."

There are three factors to every relationship, according to Pamensky: the man and his needs, the woman and her needs and the relationship and its needs. If a man focuses on the relationship, the woman will be dissatisfied, because her happiness should be the only concern, Pamensky said.

"It's a fallacy for a man's need to think about the relationship," he said. "Men, focus on the woman and her needs, and allow the woman to be the captain of the relationship and she will steer the relationship where it needs to go. She will then make you happier than you could ever imagine."

A woman's happiness might be the key to a successful relationship, but how does a man nurture a woman's happiness all the time?

"It's simple really," Pamensky said. "All you have to remember are the three A's: appreciation, attention and affection."

Women are intimate about details, according to Pamensky. They consider the intricacy in words, clothes and body language a reflection of how men respect them. Men should be conscious of how women express themselves and how they present themselves to women, he said.

"Women speak a different language than men," Pamensky said. "Women use words as relationships while men use words as words. Men, you can show your appreciation by allowing a woman to speak to you like a woman."

Women also crave attention, Pamensky said. Men should provide eye contact and drop all other activities when their women are speaking.

"I do something I call 'assume the position,' " he said.

He juts forward and bulges his eyes.

"This is guaranteed to show you're listening," he said.

Eliminating the "touch barrier" demonstrates the intimacy men have for women, Pamensky said.

"It is imperative, men, that you give your woman the affectionate touch," he said, pausing for the crowd's reaction. "Men, whatever it is you're thinking about right now is not it. The affectionate touch has to be non-sexual."

Men should also use affectionate tones when speaking to women, Pamensky said. When? All the time.

"When you're in an affectionate part of the relationship, you speak in affectionate tones," he said. "When you're paying the Visa bills, speak in affectionate tones. When you're walking the dog, you speak in affectionate tones. Why? Because women are relationship beings."

But relationships are a two-way street. Women should concern themselves with their men's happiness, Pamensky said.

"Every man is a giant ego with legs," he said. "So what does he need? Stroking. Give him incredible ego strokes, especially when he does his job."

Women can show appreciation through encouragement and compliments in everything he does. But women should also cut men a break when they don't do their job, Pamensky said. Women should understand that men are human and can be distracted by their surroundings.

The success of Pamensky's relationship model is rooted in his own marriage.

"The greatest testimony to the success of this model is my own marriage," he said. "Sometimes I travel six nights a week and have to work twice as hard to make my wife happy as the average man at home."

For more information on Pamensky's work, visit For more information on Jewish Singles Together Across the River, visit

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