Oct. 28-Nov. 3: Worst Week Ever!

WEDNESDAY OCT. 28
There are times when a public figure (Charlie Winburn) has to take a stand against a morally devoid organization (CityBeat) in a public place (City Hall) despite the repercussions (getting his bitch ass sued). But there are other times when this type of person does some weird private stuff and gets sued for an amount of money so big that you have to wonder what kind of weirdness is going on. George Jerome Barber, a former music director at Winburn’s Encampment Church/Resurrection Palace, on Tuesday sued the wily minister for $5 billion, accusing Winburn of firing him for rebuffing his sexual advances and doing it via text message (isn’t that just sooo dramatic?). Winburn responded by calling the suit a political stunt and said he is so straight he doesn’t even have sex with his wife from behind.

THURSDAY OCT. 29
Do you enjoy going to the bathroom in public? Are you the type of person who can pee no matter how many people are standing behind you, hoping you’ll hurry up so they can go? You just might be the perfect person to stand in a Times Square bathroom this holiday season to document how sweet Procter & Gamble’s Charmin-branded bathrooms are. P&G will hold open auditions Nov. 5 in search of five “outgoing and enthusiastic people” who enjoy bathrooms, blogging, photography and who aren’t afraid of making eye contact with a New Yorker in mid-stream. The winners will be announced at the Charmin Restrooms Nov. 23, and more information can be found at www.dreamjobforfreaks.com.

FRIDAY OCT. 30
We at WWE! wouldn’t know what it’s like to be a sexually active middle-aged married person (we occasionally have sex but it usually involves a stranger and an extremely expensive body rub). But we’re glad to know that if we ever end up in a relationship that needs a little extra spark that our friends over in Clermont County are prepared to fulfill our needs. The Enquirer today described The Cobra Club, a private “social club” that allows people to bring their own beer, dance to music with porn playing on TVs and have sex with each other if they want to. The club has caused some backlash from village administrators (New Richmond Mayor Ramona Carr said people should only have sex at home, and not until the kids are asleep), though the police say they’ve had no trouble except for a couple of weirdos in Tom & Jerry costumes trying to get food from a Sonic restaurant after it was closed.

SATURDAY OCT. 31
If it wasn’t obvious that Barack Obama is an elitist when he said that stuff about people in Pennsylvania (all they wanted was to keep their guns and have a pretty lady as Vice President), today’s report that the Obama kids got the swine flu vaccine has proven it. The AP today reported that complaints about the Obama children getting the vaccine because they’re part of the high-risk group their dad is president have appeared on blogs and Web sites all over the internets. The backlash has alarmed the president, who said that if it would make the public respect him more he’s willing to deal with the women at the DMV when his license plates expire just like everybody else.

SUNDAY NOV. 1
There are a lot of illegal activities that the government doesn’t really care about: Go ahead and tear the tag off your mattress or paint some art on a streetlight — nothing bad is gonna happen. The Enquirer reported today that many gun dealers feel the same way about selling guns. A July sting of seven U.S. gun shows found that out of the 30 times they told the gun show dude they couldn’t pass a background check, 19 times they were sold a piece anyway. Promoters of several gun shows have blamed liberal queers anti-gun organizations for trying to tread on them, though the NRA’s official statement included only the lyrics to a recent Coors Lite jingle.

MONDAY NOV. 2
Five years ago federal prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald interviewed Vice President Dick Cheney only to come out of the meeting and describe a “cloud over the vice president.” While most people assumed Fitzgerald was referring to a theoretical cloud of senility and madness, the AP today reported that it was more like a cloud of horse shit coming out of his mouth. Cheney, who is such a bad person that his parents changed his name to Dick because they hated him, said 72 times that he couldn’t recall details in the Valerie Plame controversy. Cheney reportedly pled “can’t recall” to matters big and small, which annoyed prosecutors because one of the questions involved finding their car keys so they could leave and not have to talk to him anymore.

TUESDAY NOV. 3
Sometimes things happen that surprise even the most prepared person: a pencil breaking; a light bulb burning out; your little brother kicking you in the balls from behind and then beating your ass. The American taxpayers today felt a similar sense of surprise when they learned that Ford Motor Co. earned $1 billion in the third quarter of this year. The sudden profitability of the seemingly inept automaker (the Ford Fusion? Seriously?) impressed industry analysts, who said such gains once seemed less likely than a Ford hybrid SUV or a woman sleeping with a dude who drives a Mustang and not getting herpes.